Dream Of The Stars

CHAPTER 7

"You know what? The reason why I wanted to pursue the path of becoming a medical professional, is because of the doctor who cured me back when I was 7 years old. I don't know, I just somehow find his work amazing. Bago yung operation, I was really in pain, deep pain, it's like something is torturing my heart, but after the operation? Sobrang gaan agad ng pakiramdam ko. The feeling was magical. It felt like a huge baggage of knives was taken out inside of me. Pakiramdam ko, may freedom na ako, that I am a normal person again. That I don't have to worry about every single thing I do." I sighed as I was holding back my tears from falling.

I don't really talk about my past but It is just too much, it felt like I'm going to explode if I didn't let this thing off my chest.

Kayden is just silently listening while looking at me seriously. He was just very calm.

"By the time I knew that this damn thing is back again? At first I was mad. Kasi sabi nga nung doctor ko it's not going to come back again. It's harmless. But then I realized, it wasn't his fault at all. It was me who is at fault. I am the one to be blame for this. Stupid mo talaga, Nicolette. "

"Hindi mo kasalanan, okay? Kung meron man na dapat sisihin dito, 'yon ay ang mga magulang mo, kasi hindi nila alam kung paano yung epekto sayo ng ginagawa nila. So don't blame yourself, Colette, you didn't know that it'd turn out this way. " He's right pero ano pa bang point kung isisi ko sakanila? Will it do good for me? It won't.

Blaming them still doesn't change the whole situation. I'd rather blame myself than blame someone who doesn't want to be blamed. It's just way  harder to accept that I am not the one who is responsible for this pain.

" I should know. I am going to be a future doctor, I should have known! What would they think of me? That I'd end up being a doctor who is supposed to be taking care of her patients, yet cannot even take care of herself? I should have known better." I couldn't handle the tears that I was holding back anymore.

"Alam mo I wish na sana hindi nalang ako tumanda. How I wish I remained being a 7 year old girl who is living her perfect life to the fullest. Right before that operation? Everything was fine, perfect to be exact. Super excited pa nga ako to take the operation because even though everything seemed to be going on its way? There are still limitations due to my condition. The doctors were even impressed kasi I was the only kid in that hospital na excited to have surgery. But after going through that surgery? My life started to go down hill. Palagi nalang nag aaway si Mommy at Daddy. I thought mas magiging masaya kami because I don't have any conditions at all. I was expecting more hangouts with them, but then suddenly? I just woke up feeling unsafe in my own house. Everything felt strange. My parents weren't the same persons as they were before. Si Kuya? He is the only one that I'm holding on to but then he had to leave for UK to continue his studies there. I couldn't find the comfort in that place just like before. It sucks but how I wish I didn't pushed through that fucking operation! I can handle the pain naman eh. It was only physical pain. I never expected that things would be way worst worst than that." Kayden hugged me without saying anything at all. His hugged made me feel safe. It felt like I was recharged even he didn't spare a few words.

"I'm scared to go through another operation again. What if mas masakit yung pain na maeexperience ko? What if it's going to be more painful than the first one?" I stuttered. I just couldn't handle my mind from overthinking on what's going to happen if I pushed through another operation again. I just can't afford to experience a much worse pain than what I am experiencing right now. I couldn't handle everything in control na nga, what more if it's going to be a lot more worse pa kaya?