You Smiled Because You Knew ||Phan||

Chapter Three: Gone

        "Dan!" I woke up to Phil lifting me off the bed, eyeing my cuts. "Wh-What did you do to yourself?" Tears threatened to spill out of his eyes again.

        "Phil, I just... needed to... feel something again." My voice wavered.

        "It's been a whole year, Dan! Why didn't you tell me you weren't okay? I could have helped you! I could help you!" He yelled. "I could help," He whispered sadly.

        I turned my back on him. "I don't want help, Phil."

        "What?" He whimpered. "Dan, don't talk like that. I-I love you." There was so much pain in his voice it made me sick to my stomach. I did that. I hate who I am.

        "Listen, Phil, just leave me alone...," I started to walk away, but he roughly grabbed my shoulder and I spun around.

        "Dan, talk to me!" He demanded. I felt my face grow hot.

        I couldn't think about how much I loved him at that point and would do anything in the world for him, all I thought about was slitting my wrists so he would leave me the fuck alone. I needed to be alone. I wanted to die.

        I became frantic. I started mumbling over and over again, "I want to die,"

        I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to

        "Dan!" Phil screamed at me.

        "Just leave me alone you fucking idiot!" I screamed in reaction. "Leave me the fuck alone! I told you that's what I wanted, and you want just leave me the fuck alone!"

        He stood there and gaped at me as I intensely stared him down. Then the tears started. Dear God, Phil, control yourself.

        "Phil, please! Stop crying it's fucking annoying!" I shouted. He stood there, appalled, for a moment.

        "Fine!" He suddenly shouted through tears, grabbing his coat on the way out the door. "I'll leave you the fuck alone!" He yelled, slamming the door in my face. His voice resounded with the word I'd heard him say only a handful of times.

        This is it. I thought. He's not coming back. Not this time. I stared at the door blankly. Then, I fell to my knees and started sobbing all over again. I just wanted to kill myself. I need this to be over. I need to stop hurting the people I love. Look at that. Dan messed everything up again.

        My mind was racing with suicidal thoughts and wishes when my phone buzzed on the counter. I shot up and ran over to it, hoping to see Phil's picture. No. It was Louise. I almost declined it, but decided against it.

        "H-Hello?" I asked in an almost put together voice.

        "Dan? Are you alright?" She asked worriedly.

        "Y-yeah," I sniffled. "Of course." I wasn't believable in the slightest. You'll never be an actor, Daniel. My mother's voice echoed in my head. Grow the hell up.

       "I saw your live show. Is Phil with you?"

        When I heard his name, giant sobs racked my body. I didn't even try to hide my emotions anymore.

        "Dan?" She asked, alarmed. "What's going on?"

        "He's gone!" I yelled through hyperventilating. "He's gone, Louise, he's gone!" My pain was audible. My voice turned into shaky whispers at that point. I'm surprised she even realized what I'd choked out.

        "Oh, gosh. I'll be right over." I heard the clattering of keys in the backround. "And Dan?" She added.

        "Yes?" I breathed.

        "It'll be okay," And with that, she hung up.

        Lou was over in less than 10 minutes, and when she walked in, I was still lying on the floor next to the door crying. "Dan!" She let the door close behind her and kneeled down next to me. "What happened?"

        "I'm a horrible person!" I cried, not being able to control my breathing.

        She rubbed my back with her long nails. "Shh," She whispered. "No you're not. What happened?"

        I told her, leaving out the self harm detail. No one knew except Phil, which made this harder.

        "-and now he's gone and he isn't coming back! He's not coming back ever!" I weeped. I started mumbling again. I hardly realized the words, "He'll never come back, they always leave, I'm a fucking faggot, I don't have anyone left, I did this to myself, right mum? Phil can't stand me either, it's all my fault, it's all my-" I stopped abruptly, glancing at Louise.

        I changed positions and rested my head on her lap as she stroked my hair. "He'll come back," She promised.

        "No he won't! He's g-" I heard the lock turn into the door and froze. So did Louise.

        Phil bursted in. His shoes were mismatched. His eyes were red and puffy from crying and he looked straight into my eyes as he said, "Hello, Louise."

        I felt my heart break in half.

        "Dan," He said strongly. "I've come to get my stuff."

        Whatever false facade Phil was putting on, it made my skin crawl.

        "You're- wh-what?" I shot up, leaving Lou on the floor.

        Phil smiled politely at Louise. "Louise, can you- excuse us for a moment?"

        "O-Of course," She took a seat on the couch as I followed Phil to his bedroom.

        "Phil, you're leaving? You're m-moving out? You're- dumping me?" I wailed.

        He took a deep inhale and his face wrinkled up, trying not to cry. "We just need space." He looked away from me. "We're still best friends, and I'm still here for you-"

        "If you were here for me then you wouldn't leave." I snapped through gritted teeth. His face was stone cold. "Can we at least talk about it? I'm sorry I snapped- I just-" He started packing his things in his suitcase and my mind went blank. "Don't go!" I whimpered. I felt so completely weak and vulnerable and it disgusted me.

        His mouth twitched like he was about to break down sobbing. "I'm going to sleep at PJ's tonight. I just... need to think," He grabbed his suitcase and started out the bedroom door.

        "What does this mean for us, Phil?" I squeaked out. He stopped in the doorway. Oh God, I was so damn helpless.

        "I don't know," He breathed. And just like that, he was gone.

        After Phil slammed the front door, I trudged out of his room slowly and Louise wrapped me in a tight hug as I sobbed into her shoulder.

        "I love him so much, Louise."

        "He'll come back." She muttered.

        "No he won't."

        And I was right.