I love(d) you more

June 1st,2020

It's said that you'll love someone until you start to hate them. With that being said, you'll make excuses for their horrific actions, you'll be blinded by the empty apologies, the words that leave your body in shock and your breath gets caught in your throat. You'll ignore gods signs when he screams to you that he isn't the one. You'll make excuses and helplessly yell back that he is in fact the one for you.. One red flag turns to 2, and it's just one big mess piling up.. You'll battle a war in your mind, and sometimes you'll lose. You'll beg to god, plead to him, scream on your knees as your heart shatters for the hundredth time. You'll be sorry for not hearing his calls. You'll fight like hell for your sanity, you'll fight until your strength goes unnoticed. You'll accept those apologies like a routine you can't get yourself out of. You'll wake up one morning and you'll realize that it's not worth the pain grief or suffering, you'll hear god when he tells you this time. You'll feel like your heart was just thrown to the ground as the world shakes around you, but you'll know you survived. You'll know that one day that ache in your heart won't hurt as bad, but the truth about love is- you never really lose that. You can wake up every morning convincing yourself that it's okay. That everything fine. That you hate him a billion times over again. But on a Tuesday evening it'll still hit you as you're sitting in your car, eating a hamburger and listening to country music. The hurt isn't going away, you just learn how to survive. How to live with that pain. It's a bad cycle, but life seldom is.

June 1st, 2021
A year ago I wrote this, with hope that I'd survive it. And thankfully I did. It was a dangerous walk alone, one that was almost thrilling. It was when the light hit down and brought space in the room I was standing in the middle of. The dark somehow seemed so suffocating.. like being dragged along the bottom of the ocean, as your lungs fill with water. You just cannot breathe. That was me. It was a mess that still just didn't burn out the fire in me. I realized that love isn't found with blue eyes and a smile that took your breathe away., it's within yourself. Its what keeps you afloat when everything else starts to sink. It's starring in the mirror and not wanting to scream yell or throw something. It's not spending 3 hours on your hair, your makeup and the outfit you want to wear for just another basic day. You realize that the only person responsible for your happiness is you. That you have the control and the power to do that, you realize that every man who couldn't see your worth wasn't worthy of yours. You learn forgiveness in a way that doesn't burn hot in your soul, you find peace and closure without giving them a ticket back into your world. You quit laughing at the sad parts in movies and you enjoy the funny ones. You survive the fight within yourself and your mind, and quite frankly nothing sets you free more than that does.