letters to them . . .

to someone who deserves better

To someone who deserves better

I'm sorry.

Not the best start but a start nonetheless, so I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I've hurt you and before you even start to argue I have or at least I will at some point. This leads into a second thing. I'll hurt you one way or another. Maybe I haven't yet but sometimes when I get frustrated I get mean and defensive and my brain stops filtering things so one day I know that I'll say something I don't mean but it will hurt you. So I'm sorry

I don't understand how to feel without constantly feeling an underlying sadness and that is really bad because I'll be more of a burden than you can handle and I know that you've been there for me for a lot of things but you're going to get tired one day, maybe not of me but of the amount of unresolved things and the way I go back into a forced sadness because I don't understand how I feel and it's the safest option for me. So one day it will come crashing down and it might feel like it's up to you to help but it's not and I don't know how to stop doing that and it's incredibly damaging to those around me. So please, I'm sorry.

One day you'll realize that maybe all I can offer you is writing shitty letters and notes and bad support and one day that won't be enough, it's not enough. And one day you'll realize that maybe I was right and maybe letters and notes and drawings and stories aren't enough so for when that day comes I'm sorry I couldn't be better, and if you decide to leave I'll write you one last letter with everything that I feel and everything that I valued during the time we were close so that if you ever leave at least you know that I cared I just didn't know how to show it.

I'm not saying that I can't change how toxic I am but I can tell you that it's not enough. I don't do enough because I don't know what I need to do to keep someone for once in my life. I need guidance and when you realize that what I offer isn't enough you need to be able to ask me to do more because I don't know how to function without instructions. So you should realize that maybe it's because all my life I have been micromanaged and everything was planned out for me so as soon as my parents stopped telling me what to do I lost control and we all know how that ends. So please tell me what I can do to help to be there for you, to be good enough.

I'm sorry that I can't give you what you need or be what you want. Whenever we talk I just feel like I need to apologize for the fact that I am utterly useless when it comes to feelings and I don't know how to feel anything at this point and the only way I will ever demonstrate affection or love is through these letters, playlists, ridiculous amounts of gifts and shitty comments or resting my legs on yours, maybe even telling you about some stupid topic that you probably don't care about or a ridiculous amount of physical touch, because I am touch starved and my love language is physical touch, or other small details that make me feel loved and cared for but might seem insignificant to you but I dont know any other way in which I can show you. I'm too scared about what others think and I'm absolutely terrified of doing something wrong or having history repeat itself and have it backfire on me or have people talking behind my back and having an impression of me that would make me an easy target. I'm sorry that I'm so afraid of the 'what ifs' and what others think about me.

Sometimes I get scared when you touch me in a more affectionate way, so I'm sorry if I ever push you away it's not because I don't care about you but it's more of a "there's something that I need to fix with myself" and it's not your fault or anything its because of all the years I spent hating myself and constantly picking out every little flaw in me or that I could see. My love language is touch and usually I'd like affection I guess, I'm just scared in a way because what if one day you see me the way I see myself? Which sounds a bit ridiculous but it's something that terrified me ever since I was small and I learned that sometimes people fall out of love for the same reason they fell in love. So I'm sorry.

There are days where my brain shuts down and I'm basically sleepwalking because I can't find the difference between reality and my dreams, this usually happens after I've had intense days and I don't know how to do anything other than push others away and lock myself in my own head and you've been there for some of it but jesus christ I don't think you can take another one because i'm just so fucking tired of everything.

I just want to say that I'm sorry I can be a mess and push you away, I hope you stick around to watch me get better. I wish I had healed before we met so you could see the best of me. I love you and I'm sorry I can never say it out loud.

Love, the girl who doesn't know wether to push you away or let you in