Before You Touch Me

Chapter One

The sun creeps through my bedroom window, coating my eyelids. I don't mind the sunlight. It's my alarm, and personal guard. Whenever the nightmares get too dark, the sunlight banishes them away.

I unlatch my glassy eyes, letting them adjust to the golden hue. With a sigh, I roll out of bed, my wool socks creaking the wooden floor. I grip my water bottle and unscrew the medicine cap. I pop one white pill into my mouth and wash it down with water. I sometimes wonder what would happen if I skipped one. If I let my dark thoughts branch out freely instead of caging them till the next dose.

Once I'm in the bathroom, I gaze at my reflection. She's the same girl I always see: dark skin, braids, nose ring, and black crescents under her eyes. After getting ready for school, I look in the mirror again. She looks better. Or maybe it's just her navy-colored uniform that masks what she truly is. A monster that should be locked away in a tower. A killer that should be imprisoned for her crimes. Worst of all: an eighteen year old girl wondering if she could ever forgive herself.

I trudge down the stairs to find my mom wobbling in the kitchen. Her stomach is so big now I'm surprised the baby hasn't punctured it yet. Hopefully their second kid will be normal. She notices me and smiles. It's full of love and sadness. Those two mixed together equal one thing: pity. My own mother pities me.

"Goodmorning habibty. How are you feeling?"

Her tone makes me want to pluck out my brain and rewire it. Why does it have to function in such a patronizing way?I put on my bravest smile. "Better."

That's what I always say. I don't know if she believes me, but she always says the same thing back. "That's great."

My dad walks in, saving me from the flood of pity, or perhaps adding more to it. He kisses my mom on the head then places a hand on her stomach. If I could savor this moment and look at it forever, I would. I see my parents happy, waiting for their son to come into this world, forgetting all about the untouchable burden they live with. My dad approaches me as though to kiss me on the head then thinks better of it. More water to the flood it is then. Time to pull out my life jacket.

"I need to go to school. Can't be late on the first day."

My parents almost look relieved, but I don't show how much it guts me. I get into my car and blink back the heavy tears. Once my vision is no longer blurry, I pull out of the driveway. I notice a moving truck parked outside the house next to us. I sigh, picturing my parents having to explain my situation to more people. Or worse, the other neighbors beating them to it. I can already hear it. 'Poor thing. She's been taking meds since she was ten.'

I shudder at the thought and focus on not crashing. I get to school and walk into the building. You know that part of Diary of a Wimpy Kid when he has the cheese touch and everyone steers away from him. I can relate to him.

I appreciate people not touching me, but not so much the stares and whispers. I finally reach my locker and place my books. This is your last year Lylah. After this you'll move far far away. You can have a whole new identity. You'll no longer be "The Untouchable." That thought alone gives me fighting strength to go through the day. The first bell rings, so I head to class. I sit in the back as usual. Nobody talks to me and I'm used to it. I spent seven years without friends. What's one more? When lunch finally comes, Roxan, my favorite lunch lady, sneaks me an extra brownie and tells me to cheer up. I appreciate the gesture and brownie. I sit down at one of the empty tables and take out my book.

I'm halfway through the chapter when a group of guys sit in front of me. I recognize them from the lacrosse team. Long story short, they're a bunch of assholes.

"What's up Leelah?" The one in the middle speaks. I'm surprised he can form a coherent sentence after the number of times he fell on the field. I ignore the way he pronounces my name because it's obviously to annoy me. Not that it would strike me to find out that he lacks basic human comprehension skills.