My Name is Eve and I Hate Apples

chapter 1

I don't think I'll ever truly understand why, as a society, we made rules that do nothing but hurt us. I don't understand why it's normal to pretend that I have my shit together and that my life is the embodiment of perfection, when it's very obvious that it isn't and I don't. It's not healthy to pretend. At least that's what a lot of self help books say, but then again, why am I gonna listen to a book that has no idea what it's like to be a Levy. A book doesn't understand the pressure that we all have in real life. The pressure that I especially have as a member of the family that I was born into. The pressure of being the one that was supposed to die, but unfortunately lives. As much as pretending may suck, what other option do I have?

All my life, all I've known is following the status quo, which recognizes that we feel pain, but we can't show it. It doesn't matter if  you lost your job, just found out your husband is cheating on you and your lunch sucked. If someone asks how you are, you HAVE TO say "I'm good, how are you?" in the most enthusiastic voice known to man. Being genuine isn't the status quo. Being honest isn't the status quo. Being perfect is what you have to be or else it's not acceptable and you are not acceptable. I guess that's why I was scolded for tearing up at Ren's funeral, because perfect people don't cry in public, even if they were in a traumatic accident that killed their brother. I guess that's why my mom insists on having us smile in public and say "we're good, thank you for asking" no matter who asks and no matter how we feel, because perfect people are good all the time. I've become accustomed to even telling HER that when she asks because who doesn't wanna be the perfect daughter? I have to be since she just lost her perfect son.

The past several weeks have been categorized by trying to meet that status quo of perfection. It's been nothing but carefully manufactured smiles and saying thank you's to people I couldn't care less about, for coming to support my family in this "difficult time." Because it is difficult, no matter how much society tells me that I need to act like it's not. Is it a crime to miss my brother? Is it a crime to cry about him? To let people know that I'm not okay? According to my parents, yes, so I guess my only option in this wretched existence of mine is to act like I'm okay. Society won't tolerate me otherwise.

"Hey, Apples! I wanted to talk and your mom told me-" Marina started, causing me to cringe. I didn't even have to look up to recognize her voice. It was very raspy, yet melodious in a strangely unique way. I've heard it virtually my entire life, so it would be a shame if I wasn't able to recognize it.

"Don't call me that. My name is Eve." I interrupted, my voice low and comparatively unenergetic. I hardly looked up from my journal as I spoke, and I proceeded to sign my name and today's date at the bottom of the paper. I had more to say, but I knew that Marina was not a "hi" and "bye" type girl. Against my will, she'd talk for hours, without needing so much as a word from me, and this already seemed like it would be the case, as she took my recognition of her existence as an invitation to sit down. It was beyond me how she watched me sitting in the furthest end of the park, away from everyone and thought that I'd be in the mood for company. Her lack of knowledge of social cues is simply amazing.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. It's just that Ren used to call you that so I thought that I could too." I closed my journal and finally fully looked at her. The mention of his name gave me goosebumps. Sure, I think of him all the time, but hearing his name makes him feel alive in the world again. He's no longer just a part of my mind. I think I should love that because it means that people love him just as I do, but it's a weird feeling. I don't wanna hear his name and think that it's nice that people love him. I wanna hear it and think that I'll see him at dinner, but I guess we can't all get what we want. Marina offered me a small smile, and unlike most smiles I've seen lately, it seemed genuine. I wanted so badly to be mean to her for interrupting me, but I knew that would make me a bitch. Poor girl has been through it since Ren, so I guess I should be nice to her, even if her presence was slightly unwanted in this moment. "I didn't mean to upset you."