What It's Like In My Mind

Girl I knew

TW: this is not for everyone. there is different mental illnesses, self harm, mentions of emotional and mental abuse. there might be others i can't find at the moment, but beware and read if you want. i don't want to be responsible for anyone's triggers though

there was this girl i knew. she was one of the brightest students in my class, and in the whole school in fact. she was always smiling, and made people laugh when they were down. her eyes shone so bright with hope and determination. she strove to be perfect. i have never seen this girl not smiling. she was just so cheerful. i thought all she knew was happiness. i used to think her life was perfect. some people thought she tried too hard, but they didn't know the reason why she's like that. they didn't know about the problems she had. everyone thought she was perfect, but to herself, she never felt good enough. her situation at home wasn't good. her father mentally and emotionally abused her. this girl had to live in fear and in pain. she had to battle different mental illnesses. she had depression, anxiety, and ptsd. she really didn't have a childhood. she had to be an adult at such a young age. it's truly heartbreaking. she had to take on all her family's problems. no one in her family seemed to care how she felt. she couldn't tell anyone because it would only get worse. she hoped and prayed for things to get better. just for things to be alright. but as she got older, things just got worse and worse. she was incredibly sensitive and fragile. she got so scared easily. this girl would carry the weight of the world on her shoulders every day. she did everything she could so no one ever felt the way she did. she was constantly overthinking and second guessing herself. she could never believe anyone when they gave her compliments. she feared everyone would leave her. in order to stop feeling that way, she started distancing herself. to the world she was "perfect," but no one who how many nights she spent crying herself to sleep. she struggled to get herself out of bed in the morning. over the years, she's made and lost friends. she got so easily attached to everyone she met. she has trust issues, but also trusted too much. this girl struggled to get by in life. one day she couldn't take it. she took a razor blade and started to scar her skin. but she still wanted to hurt more. she was careful to hide the marks. she always wore hoodies and pants. she had a few siblings, a brother and a sister. but sadly, she was the oldest. her brother hated her, and made sure to let her know that. he made sure to bring her down whenever he could. they never got along. she tried so many times, but he made it just impossible. eventually, she gave up trying and lost all hope of having a good relationship with him. she was an extraordinary student. she always tried to get straight a's because she knew it would make her parents happy and proud. she hoped by doing excellent in school, her father would change the way he acted. but that was stupid. why in the hell would he ever change? he can't understand how much she's hurting, just because of him. she shuts herself out from the world. sometimes, she'd even cut more. she'd cry herself to sleep almost every night. this girl was bisexual, with a homophobic dad, who would scream and curse saying she was wrong or "confused." the only was in her family who wouldn't care, was her brother. but he still hated her for living and being related to him. she grew upset after hearing her mom doesn't support trans or non-binary people, while she's questioning her gender. she was absolutely heartbroken. she lost the three dogs she grew up with in three years. it felt like the whole world was against her. she felt happier in her own dreams.