..
When i was a kid i used to be scared to my dad, because of my young mind and action, napapalo ako ni papa, pinapadapa kung kinakailangan.
Lahat ng kamalian ko ganun ginagawa nya sakin, so lumaki ako ng may takot sa kanya, takot na mapagalitan at mapag salitaan ni papa once he notice you, your dead!
kAya never kaming nag kaclose, ni hindi nga namin ata alam ang salitang "bonding". minsan naiingit ako sa mga kaibigan ko, na kahit loko loko ang mga tatay nila kung gaano naman sila mag usap at mag biruan masaya.
Quite typed si papa, serious at minsan lang mag biro. kapag napansin ka nya at may pinuna, first warning ok pa pero kapag nag banta hala yare ka na... so kapag sya na nag salita hindi mo pwedeng baliwalain.
Since then naging Mama's Girl ako, lumaki ako na palagi si mama ang ka bonding ko, never ako ni mama nasampal o pinalo ng sobra, oo minsan natatapik sa braso pero that wouldnt hurt me at all.. Mama likes my second to the oldest brother, sya yung pinaka fav sa aming tatlo since si kuya ang matalino at sa tingin nila may mapupuntahan. but that doesnt matter kasi kahit naman hindi ako yung mas mahal ni mama atleast mahal pa din nya ako.
When i was 12-14 ish my older brother was beating me up, kapag may naiiutos sya na hindi ko na susunod nag wawala sya o kaya naman nagagalit na sa akin, mainitin ulo nya, na kung minsan hindi mo naman kasalanan saiyo naibubuntong! like what the hell? tama ba yun? Kuya was so harsh towards me, he always beat me and hold me so tight and shouting at me when im doing something o sinasagot ko sya pabalang, my second oldest brother use to be my protector towards him but in the end talo pa din kasi sya malakas eh si kuya kong pangalawa hindi, ended up sila nag aaway at nag kakasakitan.
Lahat yun naranasan ko.. all my life ive been scared of them, scared that they dont love me or even care for me or to my feelings, scared that they going to hurt me and thinking na sa sobrang galit eh mawala na ung control nila ng pag iisip at mapatay nalang ako. haha funny isisnt? but its true i used to have like that story but i dont want to bring those up because that scene was too painful to remember again and again.
sa edad kong ito, nararanasan ko pa rin ang saktan ako. sino ba naman mag aakala na dating sinabi ko sa sarili ko na "kapag ako naging 18 na siguro hindi na nila ako masasaktan pa, kasi ang tanda tanda ko na nun" but i guess im wrong. maybe if im not in they're house and they dont feed me hindi na nila ako magaganto.
it was so unfair to live like this.. scared of those people who you love and nararanasan mo kung gaano ka lungkot ang nag iisa na kahit anjan sila you feel in yourself WALA KANG KAKAMPI! ang saya na mag karoon kami bilang isang pamilya ay panandalian lamang.
