What am I to you? // Corpse Husband

24. Humming

Tuesday 2.55am

I shuffle in the sheets, my arm fanning his spot. Lifting my head up, I squint my eyes and notice the time before checking his side to see an empty spot. He's not come to bed yet.

I'm about to fall asleep again when I hear her cry through the monitor. I was wondering when she would wake up next for a feed. After getting up and stealing his hoodie, I shuffle my way out of the bedroom like a robot and find him making her bottle in the kitchen, humming softly to her. Holding her against his chest, her head over his shoulder, looking out, her eyes wide open. His deep humming always soothes her. Not forever though. She's definitely hungry. But long enough to make a bottle.

"I could have fed her you know." I say surprising him that I am up.

"Hey baby. Sorry we woke you up. I thought I'd give you a break."

"I don't mind."

"You lack sleep."

"We all do. I can nap later. You should get some rest too." I say rubbing his back.

"I will."

"Hello angel." I whisper giving a soft kiss on her tiny hand clawed onto his shoulder. "Go on the sofa, I'll bring it over when it's ready."

After checking the milk temperature by shaking the bottle to taste a few drops in my mouth, I notice that it's still a bit too hot and run the cold tap water, holding the bottle under it while swirling. A few seconds later, I check again and it's perfect.

I walk to the sofa and stop for a second, taking a moment. Seeing him holding her so naturally makes me smile, reminding me of the first time he held her, the tears in his eyes, the pride and amazement. He is still humming to her, soothing her. She hasn't made a noise for ages.

When he sees me handing him the bottle, he cradles her, her eyes going all over the place. She knows food is coming.

"Thank you."

"It's okay."

"Time for snack pickle."

I kneel on the sofa, next to him, my arm on the headrest, dragging my fingers through his hair as he is mesmerised by our angel.

"She's so tiny."

"For now. She's really good you know."

"What do you mean?"

"She doesn't cry much. Travis cried so much. He didn't want the dummy to soothe him. I was exhausted. Antoine was not really around."

"Yeah, I really thought babies made much more noise."

"Some do. Some don't. I think your humming is helping to soothe her."

"I know. I'm not sure why."

"For a start, it soothes me, so it probably calms her down too. Also, you've been talking to her through the whole pregnancy. I'm sure she recognises your voice."

"She's only six weeks though."

"She's six weeks out of me but she's known you for months. Babies know. Their senses a constantly on edge but they recognise sounds, I'm sure."

"Well, as long as my voice doesn't scare her to death."

"It might do when she's a older and she gets told off."

"I can't imagine her being older. I wouldn't know what to do with her."

"Haha! One step at a time. They grow up but we grow with them."

"I think it's easier for you."

"It might be. I won't ask myself if the smallest thing that I'm doing will affect her for life. Like what type of diaper or formula to buy this time. My mental health was pretty bad too. I suffered from post natal depression and my anxiety was up the roof." I can tell he wants to hug me but his hands are full.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm fine. I have you. And you have me. With Travis, I couldn't allow myself to have a bad day because I was pretty much alone, nobody to lean on. It put so much pressure on me. I know she will have at least one of us at all time. We just need to sync our mental healths." I chuckle as if this was even possible. "I know the pregnancy has been hard on you but I see how much you love her already. She's so lucky."

He stares at me.

"I fucking love you, you know that?"

"I fucking love you too!" I whisper clowning him, making him chuckle. He turns back to her, pulling the bottle out of her mouth slowly as she has now fallen asleep. Suddenly facing me, his eyes are wide open. "What?"

"She smiled!"

"Haha! She didn't smile but yeah, sometimes when babies sleep, their facial muscles move in such way that they look like they're smiling."

"I think she smiled." He retorts.

"She's asleep. Why would she smile?"

"Maybe she's dreaming?"

"What about?"

"Bingus?"

I try my best to contain my laugh, looking at him, happy with his joke.

"Yeah, that's it. She's dreaming about Bingus. Can I take her to bed?"

"I can do it."

"I want cuddles."

"I can give you cuddles." He's so fucking adorable.

"I want to feel baby skin against my cheek and smell her baby shampoo. That's gonna help me to fall back asleep... I could do with your cuddles too if you're done with gaming."

He smiles and hands her to me, defeated by my very specific request, as I stand up. The transfer from his arms to mine is painless.

I walk to her room, looking at her tiny frame, her arms crossed, her dark black hair and once next to her crib, I take my fix of baby smell. I love that smell. Kissing her ever so lightly to make sure I don't wake her up, I then lay her in the sleeping bag, before fastening the poppers.

"Sleep well angel."

As I turn around, I find him in the doorway, smiling fondly. I feel the love. I also feel my eyes closing I'm so tired.

I shuffle out and while I claw onto his waist, he guides me back to bed. I fall asleep within seconds until I feel the bed moving. I turn my head and see him facing me.

"You okay baby?" I ask.

"Yeah. Go to sleep."

"You woke me up." I whine.

"Sorry. Go to sleep." He says before kissing me with his minty lips. Oh, he must have gone to brush his teeth before coming to bed.

"G'night Daddy." As soon as I say the words, which were meant to be innocent, referring only to his new role and how great he already is at it, I am regretting this. I know he hates being called 'Daddy'. "I'm so sorry." He laughs his irresistible chime, hearing the panic in my voice.

"G'night Mommy." WHAT THE FUCK!!! I know this was probably meant as a payback but it's exciting the shit out of me.

"Please don't." I can't cope with this shit.

"What did I do?" He asks shuffling closer, pulling my waist against him with that crooked smile. I'm wide awake and so hungry for him right now. He lands his lips on mine and moves them in such an intoxicating way, I feel thrilled and lucky, holding onto his back tightly and twining my legs with his.

Damn! I'm not going back to sleep.