No, I'm Just Delusional (Phan) RE-WRITE IN PROCESS

Those Eyes

Phil-

I'm in the forest again. I look around, knowing what was going to happen I close my eyes and let my mind wonder. Suddenly I feel a hand grip my upper arm. “Open your eyes, you pathetic piece of shit, you did this!” He shouts. I open my eyes cowering when his hand collides with my face, stinging more than usual.

I look over behind him and see snow covered in blood. Iv'e always hated blood, especially the smell which was strong in my mind. It is now a pile. It feels like every dream I have had has led up to this moment. Even when the dreams stopped they were fresh in my mind. The first time it was my brother. I had sunken to the floor and cried not caring what my step-father thought. Then my mother, then people from school.

They were all stacked on top of each other, fresh blood pouring out of multiple stab wound in the stomach area. I look down to my shirt and see it splattered with blood. My hand is closed around a long knife. I feels so familiar. I get up discarding the knife over my shoulder and steadily walk over to the pile of bodies. Some are still breathing and I am overcome with a feeling of sorrow. I did this. I am a monster. Just as much as John, I am probably even more.

My brother lays on the cold floor. His face expressionless and I wipe tears away from my eyes. I move over to my mother, taking notice of the look of complete terror plastered on her face, I caused this.

I notice another body added to the pile. On the top of the pile a boy, about my age. 'It's Dan.” I realise. His body is probably the most covered in blood. I can't help but want to look away. I look at his face. Those eyes just staring. They were piercing my through my soul. I take a step back. The light brown the eyes seem to follow me and I take a step towards him again. Even though they are pained the light bounces of them creating an aurora of beauty, I go to close his eyes, they are causing feelings I can't explain. 'You can, you just don't want to.” My conscious tells me but I refuse to listen.

Suddenly a hand reaches out and grabs my arm. I flinch away and am startled when I see Dan sitting up blood still pouring, but him not giving a care in the world. He still firmly holds my grip and I try to rip away.

“I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry Dan.” I whisper. A look of disgust comes across his face and he leans in.

“Lester,” he says in an almost animalistic snarl “You pathetic piece of shit, you did this!” I cower away, finding great difficulty as he is still holding my arm. Then it hits me thats what John said a minute ago. “D-Dan?” I stutter.

I don't get a reply as suddenly he pulls the knife I chucked away as thrusts it towards me. I am immediately aware of a pain in my lower stomach and look down to see black not red, blood gushing from me. I fall to the floor. He aims the knife for my head and brings it down.

*

I bolt up right, hitting my head on something hard. “Ugh.” I moan. Rubbing my head. My head is pounding and I am scared out of my brain. I feel as if I was actually about to die.

I sit up slowly trying, trying to find the door handle. My head was still spinning and I just wanted to get out.

I finally manage to get out and close the door. I realise I am at the park. 'How the hell did I get here?' I question myself. I look over at the playing structure and see a figure on the swing facing the other way.

“Why are you doing this Daniel?” I hear the figure say. It's Dan. “You know you could of just walked away, you could of just let him fall. So why are you doing this?” I listen intently. 'Why is he doing this?' I think.

“His cuts.” Dan mutters. I feel my face go pale. A million thoughts a racing through my mind. 'He knows! How does he know? Has he told anyone?' My thoughts are interrupted when he says:

“I am doing this because of guilt, guilt that I cannot avoid. It is something I'll have to face.” Dan's voice trembles. I can tell he is close to tears. “ I'm pathetic.” Even from behind I can tell he is crying.

“No you'r not,” I am surprised I said anything at all. He jumps up off the swing and turns to face me. His face goes blank and then he just looks at me dumbfounded.“ Dan, listen to me, you are an amazing person. Ok? Stop hating your self. Life is too short. Pick up yourself and go and make a mends rather than mopping around hating yourself because of what you did in the past. You probably think I'm a loser or whatever but I don't cut because of you.” My voice goes quiet at then end, and I know that he thought I really did cut because of him. “You don't hate me?” he asks completely confused.

“No, Dan I don't hate you.”

“Why? After everything I have done to you how can you not hate me? Even I hate me.” More and more tears stream down his face and I don't know hoe to calm him down.

“Dan, listen to me ..” I drift off, knowing nothing I say is going to make a difference. Those eyes. He looks so venerable, and the light, I just... He is not the boy in the dream, and thats not the boy I know.

I take a step closer, nerves making me shake. Dan is just getting more upset. I lean in, softly pressing my lips to his. I take a step back. Dan is't crying anymore. He is just giving me a stunned look, like he's far away.

'Oh God.' I think. 'What have I just done?'