I'm frozen. Scared to lift my eyes. I don't want to walk through those doors. Everyone keeps telling me I'll regret it, I need to say goodbye. I know I do, but then I'm admitting he's gone. Any minute I expect he'll walk in and hear his laugh, see his smile. The dull sound of whispering surrounds me. Their words all the same, as if they were reading a simple script. "We're sorry for your loss". "He was a good man". "He lived a full life". Like a scene being rehearsed for a movie, everyone crying on cue and smiling when needed. Their hugs as cold as their motives. "Did he say who was in the will?".
The feeling of a small hand stopping my fingers from fidgeting turned my attention. Lifting my gaze to meet hers,I feel as though she is staring into my soul. Her tiny face was red from the silent tears falling from her youthful eyes. Simply a child and yet everyone expected so much from her.
"I want to go in there but I-I can't,'' she cried softly, whispering so quietly I could almost mistake it for the wind.
"Shh, it's ok. I feel the same way". I confess.
"I know...I don't want to say goodbye". She wiped her eyes.
"Think of it like this. We're not saying goodbye, more like goodnight".
"Goodnight?"
"Ya. he fell asleep and we're simply saying goodnight".
"And tucking him in?", she questions.
"Yep and tucking him in". Standing up, she's still holding my hand. Looking at her face I see myself in so many ways. I give the biggest smile I can muster. "Let's go say goodnight.".
Ignoring the wandering eyes that followed, we continued down the hall. Nearing the door, I hesitant to open it.
"We're just saying goodnight", she said to me calmly.
Opening the worn wooden doors like many before me. Church pews lined the aisle as we walked past them. The rich red wood of the coffin came closer and closer with each step. My knees feel weak, as if they could break at any moment. He's wearing his favorite suit. His reading glasses stuck out of his coat. I reach into my pocket and pull out a purple lavender flower. sliding it in place along with the white lilies under his hands. He looked so at peace, as if he was really sleeping.
"Goodnight papa", we said together, our voices blending as she faded away. The comfort of my past going along with her. Smiling at where she stood seconds ego, I'm already missing her childlike innocence. Today a part of me died along with him. I know now that I no longer need to be afraid to let him go.
