Vent writing

TW:Su.c.de(i)

TW:Su.c.de(i) just some atleast 10+ stuff. This story involves Killua from Hunter x Hunter,he is not my character,and the way he is portrayed here is NOT canon at all. Killua is my vent character that I use,I' sorry if you dont like it. This is a vent of mine.

Killua sat at his desk during school,it was his last class,Homeroom. He gazed out the window,few cars drove by every now and then. He was exhausted,he didn't sleep much last night,but that wasn't what he was exhausted from,or of.

Killua felt his stomach turn at his thought,he knew he couldn't cry in the middle of class,but it was tempting. 

Killua had dark circles under his eyes,his face looked devoid of color,his lips were chapped,he didn't look decent at all. His eyes were strained and his hair was a mess. The last few days he had given up on his appearance,what good did it do to do the same thing every single day,if he was just gonna do it again,why do it to begin with. 

"Killua."

Killua's head shot up,he looked calm,but inside he was almost panicked,he'd lost his edge. 

"Are you listening?"

The teacher hit the board in non-harsh,but not kind manner,her brows furrowed.

"Yes,I apologize though"

Killua said just loud enough to be heard,he leaned back slightly,his eyes stared intently back at the teacher,he was close to wanting to hurt her. She was always on his case,she never seemed to fuck off.

The teacher squinted her eyes at him before nodding slightly,she went back on to her lecture. 

Killua's mind drifted away from class,his eyes were fixed on the board,but his mind was in a never ending fight between,

"Everybody hates you."

and

"Nobody hates you,its okay"

His mind couldn't seem to make up its mind. He was getting frustrated,he then heard the bell ring. His eyes widened slightly and he got up quickly grabbing his bag and heading out. 

Killua reached the bottom of the outside stairs and he started his way home,his head lowered. 

"I wish Gon would be here already"

Killua said quietly,Gon had been gone for a week now or two,he was supposed to be back sometime this week or next week. Killua missed him greatly,and he truly wished he would be back soon,maybe he could stop him. But it was highly doubtful Gon would be back by 12am tonight. Killua's stomach turned again. He wanted to see Gon a last time,but he knew he wouldn't. 

Killua finally arrived at the place he,Kurapika,Leorio and Gon had been staying the past year. He smiled slightly. 

Kurapika and Leorio wouldn't be home until tomorrow until around 8am. Leaving Killua to himself,he knew what he was doing wasn't gonna be like those cheesy movies where someone walks in and saves them,he knew that when he did this,it would be it. Nobody would come to save him from himself,and he made sure he understood that as he set his stuff down by his bed.

He finally zoned back in and looked around his room,he sighed slightly before laying down,he just wanted to sleep. 

It was 5pm.

Killua started to dream,but these were his memories,just he was in first person.

The first one,he remembered the hunter exam,where he met Gon-- He saw himself go by Gon and ask his age,he remembered exchanging names. Then another memory came up,when they had finished their 'race' and argued about who had won. Killua smiled in his sleep. Looking back on himself it seemed so sweet and pure.

Killua then remembered what they had thought to be near last part of the hunter exam. He remembered when they had to keep the 50 hours in the room,he recalled the pillow fight he and Gon had,'fun memories' he thought.

Killua turned the wrong way and woke up,he looked at his clock and he felt his heart drop,11pm. It was almost time,he began to cry. He was now sure Gon wouldn't be here. He felt terrible.

"I'm such a bad friend-"

Killua stammered out as he started to sob,he felt like the worst friend ever,who commits suicide without saying goodbye to the person they care about most,or atleast who kills themself before telling that person they love them,at least..

After a minute,Killua smiled slightly. He grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil,he sat down at his desk,he had 40 minutes until time. 

He began to scribble down words,words that he wasn't sure would mean anything to the others,but he knew these words meant something to himself.

"I know this may make you hate me,but that's okay. I understand. I know you may think this was..a bad idea,and trust me,I'm telling myself that too. But this is for the better--"

Killua paused at the words 'this is for the better',his eyes glanced towards the floor. After a few seconds he looked back up and resumed his note,

"I'm sure that without my burden you'll do better,you wont have to worry anymore."

Killua set that note aside,he grabbed another piece of paper. 36 minutes until time.

"Dear Kurapika,

Thank you for being like a father figure for me,thank you for treating me as if I was yoru child alongside Gon. I dont think I could've made it to this stage of life without you trying to comfort me and taking care of some of my problems when I was being to..stubborn,thank you,I'll miss you." 

Killua set that note aside,he once again grabbed another paper. 

He wrote some stuff for Leorio,it looked similar to Kurapika's. 

Killua grabbed another paper,20 minutes until time. He looked at the page and he started to sob again,he knew this was it,there really was no more life for him,this is where it'll all stop. There wont be a tomorrow,there wont be any more hanging around with Gon,no more getting yelled at by Kurapika and Leorio,no more sneaking candy,none of it. Past here,there is only death. 

Maybe if he could of convinced himself,he could turn back. Killua shook his head as he gripped his pencil harder,he loosened his grip and sharpened the pencil,be proper for once he thought. 

"Dear Gon,

Thank you,Thank you for letting me stay by your side. You are my bestest friend,and I wouldn't change that ever,I hope that even when I'm gone you'll think of me sometimes. Even if you dont feel the same like this,I'll miss you. I'm sorry that this is how I'm saying Goodbye,and I wish you could be here to stop me,I cant let myself see you reading this paper,I hate that this is the end,I know I'll never get to see your smile again,hear your laugh,or get to see the determined look in your eyes and facial expression when you're being stubborn,but maybe its for the best. Maybe its best,because while I love how you always look,I'm sure you dont like seeing me. Or hearing me call you an idiot,none of it. Its probably best I'm leaving,I love you,goodbye Gon"

Killua looked over the paper and read it over,a soft smile found its way onto his tired face.

"Thanks,Gon"

Killua mumbled,genuinely. 

Killua stood up and grabbed his papers,he set Gon's on the bottom. He walked out of his room and set the notes on the table. He looked at the wooden clock that hung on the wall over the dining room table,10 minutes.

-to be continued when i need to vent again.-