Writers block

Accepting the fact of leaving..

3/23/21

Sometimes I find myself working too much to actually take in the consideration of my mental health.  I only now talk to my therapist like everyone else who is seeking help due to covid. And now hopefully getting the proper treatment and care I need, I knew I needed a bit more help getting to where I am today when I was 16.. but what I didn't know what when I was the age between 6-8 that I was already suffering from depression never did I think once between the ages of 10-15 that I would need help not did I think that there were people out there to help and support people with mental illness. I was aware that when we reach our climax of depression or any mental illness that we'd get sent to the hospital for treatment.. and that I've never wanted for myself. So I'm still fighting today at the age of 22 the war that I have within my head.
The over thinking, suppressive, and mind washing thoughts I try so hard to remind myself that it's not the end of the world. That there still is a light within all this darkness that I've created.

.. Which now that I think of it not all of the darkness I have is something that I've created..

As a child no one tells us how hard the real world is. All everyone says about,  it's that you have to pay bills and all the money you work for is gone for all for the cost of living. What they don't say is that there are people you are going to meet that will have this beautifully painted mask on, covering up the monster that they are..
..The monster that will leave you with nightmare years after you've left them. Years after no longer allowing them to hurt you. That even the name of them will leave you with triggering memories, allowing you to once have a good day.. turn into a day full of regret and the pain they left you that you can physically still feel..

Sometimes it's not even the people we meet later in life.. sometimes it's the one who brought us into this world.. the things we grow up seeing everyday is something that we end up normalizing as this is what Love is suppose to be. This is what a Family is suppose to look like. The empty promises that were made that we keep trying to fulfill.
Some of us never get to learn what real love is. Some of us grow up without learning how to even love ourselves.

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3/26/21

Trying to gather my thoughts about what to type.
Maybe I'm just too caught up in my head. My friends tell me that they don't see it, I just end up looking tired all the time. I've been trying not to bottle things in too much but it's hard so then I try to communicate but for the past few days I've been finding that harder to do.
Maybe I should stop over thinking and just do it.

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3/31/21

Maybe this is my karma from the way I was having my out burst towards my friends.. I tried to communicate how they don't include me much.. I tried speaking my mind about how I still feel left out for example no one asked me if I wanted to go with them to PR.. they just talked to themselves about it.. no one asks if I want some food while they are out.. no one still checks up on me, I'm still the one calling or asking if they're okay.. but then get upset if I still do something without hesitation. At this point I feel like really not saying anything to anyone anymore.. feels like no matter how much I'm actually holding myself back or pushing myself to do better and to suppress my inner thoughts I still get shit.
And you know I never ask for anything in return but fuck. I still feel like I'm still small. I still feel like just leaving.
And to now know that it's only been 2 years since I tried to kill myself and no one found it concerning except the doctor.. I can't tell if it's because my friends appeared to have normalized it or if it actually didn't phase them. And if it didn't phase them I can see why. I've stopped walking in the friends group to see if no one would notice me even being gone and no one turns back.. but they've already appeared to show me that me being gone doesn't phase anyone to begin with. No one even calls me to say they miss me or check up on me anyways.
So why does it even matter at this point.

Maybe the thoughts are right and I should follow my gut about isolating myself. I haven't felt a guilty gut feeling even thinking about it. Just more sadness. Or maybe it's not a thing I should consider. But I don't feel like there's a better option. I don't want to make more new friends I have a hard enough time keeping up with the ones I have anyways. And besides I've dealt with it before after moving so many times.

Eventually everyone will get sick of me.

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It took me a while to finally let got.. these past 4 months have been hard.. after the break up me and my ex had, everyone started judging my actions. I am thankful though for the times and memories I had with everyone. But I never got to put myself first and allowed my mental health to be set aside for others. Losing 15 pounds in 2 weeks stressing from everyone and everything isn't healthy and explaining to them how I felt clearly wasn't enough. I say sorry too much and I'm finally taking what my therapist said into my own hands and not apologizing for my actions or decisions I make for myself.. I can say for once I haven't cried in two days since I said my final goodbye. A new chapter is beginning and I'm finally accepting what life has for me in the near future.. hopefully it's in a more positive aspect..

For everyone reading this entry please understand that if you feel like holding on to something is hurting you more, then it's time to let go. Your mental health is more important than anyone else in your life regardless of how long you've known the person or what you have gone through together because sometimes it's not enough to keep them in your life..