Searching for Sweetness

Chapter Five - Don't Waste Your Breath

I was able to busy myself with other tasks over the next two months. Enjoying the holidays was probably the hardest part. I hated it more than anything else in the world. It was unfair that I was left with an aching pain while everyone else had already moved on. Even Hayden, who knew more than anybody what I was feeling, started to forget Paige. She had always made it seem like they were so in love that nothing was in their way. There was still so much I had to learn about love.

          Ana began to slowly despise me. She'd call me heartless among many other cruel names. I had to pretend I was okay and nothing was affecting me, but every day that went by was a blow in the chest. It started to grow harder to pretend I was okay. Nobody paid attention anymore. It was like a weight was released from my insides. The pressure I felt whenever someone looked at me with pity was too much. Just because Paige was gone didn't mean I was gone.

          I wasn't okay with anything that was happening. I was lucky to still be passing my classes, even though school was the last thing on my mind. Miraculously, I still had my boyfriend. Despite the talk we had all the way back in November, we hadn't progressed much. He came by my house every Friday. I think he was trying to create a pattern. If there was one thing Adam Carson loved, it was stability. So I sat through at least three hours of pointless ramblings. I wasn't sure if he noticed the way my face fell from its cheerful façade every time I thought he wasn't looking.

          On the day before Valentine's Day, I convinced my mom to let me stay home. I told her I was sick, and I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I was pretty sure she knew I just didn't want to see Adam, but she didn't voice her thoughts.

          Unfortunately, my luck had run out. Adam texted me at every possible point of his day that he could. Then, just when I thought it couldn't get worse, he showed up at my house. It was terrible of me to not want him there, I know, but why should I have had to spend a day about love with someone who wasn't in love with me? (Or, you know, the day before the day about love.) I wasn't about to set myself up for heartbreak.

          When he knocked on my bedroom door, I rolled toward my wall, gripping my comforter like a lifeline. It didn't help that it was Friday, so I knew he'd be over anyway. But I didn't want him there. I wanted him to think I really was sick, instead of pathetically lovesick. I didn't think he realized just how much I craved his affection. I wasn't sure if he was afraid of something, or he was just really oblivious.

          "Happy Valentine's Day, Mads!" he shouted gleefully as he entered my room. Internally, I groaned. I was so sick of his cheerful voice and dazzling smiles. He was never fazed by my unamused looks or raised eyebrows. I wasn't going to wait forever for him to come around. We were supposed to go to Harvard together in the fall. What was I supposed to do if he hadn't told me he loved me by then?

          I didn't have time to think about the future as the dipping of my bed distracted me. I knew Adam would pester me until I looked at him, so I made it easy and rolled over. And then my awkwardness had to get in the way. Because when my eyes landed on what was in front of them, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I was face to crotch with my boyfriend.

          Now, he was wearing pants, and I hoped I didn't have to find out if he was wearing boxers. Immediately, my cheeks began to heat up at this revelation. I was familiar with many positions between myself and Adam Carson, but this one was something new (and totally embarrassing). However, instead of clamping up like he probably would have, Adam laughed at me.

          "Enjoying the view?" he joked. I sat up, glaring at him, still burning scarlet. I smacked him with a pillow.

          "You did that on purpose!" I whined. He continued laughing, not even bothering to deny it. "Stop laughing at me!" This, presumably, only caused him to laugh harder. I pouted, out of ideas.