Sweats Over Skirts

To be born in a loving and supportive family, with a roof over your head, a warm bed to sleep in, clothes on your back, food in your belly and undamaged electronics that connect to the internet, you would imagine that nothing could drag you into a downward spiral.

Life's funny like that.

Unfortunately, 4% of Australia's population suffer from eating disorders and 63% of them are women. The average age of symptoms leading to eating disorders start as early as 8 years old because they already dislike the look of their bodies.

Those with eating disorders have often been affected by society's fixation on what we should look like, with magazines and ads presenting photoshopped images instead of the natural look.

I love shopping with my friends, trying on a seemingly endless number of clothes and freaking out over a manga that has caught my eye.

But my friends never dressed the way I did for these occasions. Instead of your usual pair of jeans or sweats, shirts and joggers, I always found my friends dressing like dolls, really pretty dolls. With heels and make-up, and crop tops and short skirts, reflecting the current styles they've seen through the media.

This image is the complete opposite of what I look like. In comparison to these girls I looked like a swine among pearls, a stain upon the glass, the nobody beside the somebodies.

When we went out, they always had me try on all these clothes that I usually would not. Admittedly I thought I looked lovely at that moment, boosted by their encouragement I bought the clothing; later, I realised that if I could go back in time, I'd have slapped my face.

The problem was that when I wore these clothes, the voices in my head tried to convince me that I looked fat, ugly, plain and disappointed. Instead of making me feel good, these clothes made me question my image of myself and want to lose weight, and worse, I tried to label this as normal and that I was only trying to help myself gain confidence.

Thankfully, my mother is a very practical, honest individual who is not afraid to say what she's thinking. My mum slapped my face for me with her brutally honest words.

"It looks nice, it just doesn't look like you"

Those words are the most important words ever said to me, even if I resented them at the time. At first I was furious, labelling my mum as a cruel woman because how dare she tell her 17 year old daughter she doesn't have to dress the way others do, that showing half her stomach in a skin tight crop top isn't who she is, instead of supporting her and telling her how great she looks.

Thank god she didn't, because the truth was I didn't feel safe in those clothes, I didn't feel whole.

When I went out in those clothes I'd cover my stomach with my arm as though I was having a stomach ache. I'd constantly look around, worried about those who were watching me. I even began an unhealthy obsession of weighting myself multiple times a week to see how much weight I gained, and started controlling how much I ate if I gained so much as 3 kilos.

To restore my concentration while at school because of my ADHD, a side effect of the medication I take is suppression of hunger. It is required I consume a large breakfast before taking the medication because I would not be interested in food while under the effects. In fear of everyone else's opinion on my body shape and size, I started eating smaller breakfasts or skipping breakfast all together.

This was the reality that I was lucky to wake up from.

2 days after my discussion with my mum I returned the clothes, replacing them with other clothing that I felt much more comfortable in and that showed off my fan-girling, anime loving personality. The newly bought clothing I chose, without the company of my friends made me feel more comfortable as I feel less self-conscious in clothing that doesn't expose me.

4% of Australia's population suffers from eating disorders and 63% of them are women. They refuse to eat because they are afraid of other people's opinions on their body, because instead of seeing larger women on covers we see pretty girl. Pretty starving girl. Pretty dying girls.

My name is Katie, I like to wear sweats, jeans, shirts that cover my stomach, oversized hoodies and to eat a whole pizza to myself. And if you have a problem with that. Too bad