RRB x PPG one-shots

💚Philophobia💚

Philophobia: (n.) Fear of being in or falling in love. Pretty much the fear of love

I didn't have to be diagnosed by a professional to know I already had this. Philophobia is something that I had acquired when I was very little. You see, as a child my best friends would talk about how someday they'd fall in love and live happily ever after. They'd tell me that once you get married your happy forever and the love never runs out. I thought it was true...

Until we entered fourth grade. My parents split up. They always fought, dishes were always broken, cars were always gone (along with my parents)... They used to say they were in love all the time. My father would make romantic poems for my mother and he'd buy her a bouquet of flowers every Friday. My mother would make him his favorite meal and she'd tease him about how he was growing grey hairs. He'd laugh and say it was my fault for putting so much stress on them. Ofcourse I thought he was just joking, so I laughed with my parents.

But one day, my father came home and slammed the door. He marched up to my room and glared at me. "Buttercup." I can remember his voice stinging like venom. "I want you to tell your mother that I never loved her. I want you to tell her that love is a waste of time. Tell her she's a whore and I hope she dies a very painful death!" And with that he stormed out the house.

When my mom got home from work later that night, she found a note on the kitchen table. Her eyes watered with tears and she began to sob. I remember being able to hear her cries through the walls and hearing how heartbroken she was.

I think it was then that I started to panic. I could feel my heart beats increase. I started to feel nauseous and I was struggling to breathe. This went on for five minutes until I was able to control my pounding heart and actually be able to breathe.

I could still hear my moms heartbroken sounds and I realized my heart was beginning to increase again. The only thoughts the circulated my mind were What if I fall in love one day and get hurt? I was terrified of my heart being broken. It was my most prized possession and I wanted to keep it safe!

So I went the rest of elementary school avoiding people. I avoided any possible relationships at all costs. This went on until middle school, when I thought I'd gotten my weirdness under control.

I started to talk to guys, hang out with my friends again. Things were going pretty normal(ish). I'd still feel afraid whenever someone mentioned having a crush on someone. I could feel my heart beat increase whenever I thought of how they were going to end up hurt. I wanted to tell them to guard their heart, to not let anyone take it for granted. But I could never find my voice.

I was in seventh grade when a good friend of mine, Bubbles, sat down at the table in tears. Now, she cried over everything. You spilled her drink? She'd cry. She fell and barley skinned her knee? She'd cry. So when she was in tears, I thought nothing of it.

"Bubbles? What's wrong?" Another good friend, Blossom, asked.

"I-I told Jeremiah that I l-liked him... he said that h-he'd rather kiss a b-blob fish than date me."

I didn't hear anything else. My heart rate increase so much that I'm pretty sure everyone could hear it. My breathing deepened as I tried to gasp for breath that was slowly becoming difficult to retrieve. Panic arose in me as I felt the pain of being broken. A very vivid image of my heart exploding came into view and I had to close my eyes.