Tomorrow the 16th will be 3 years, since the last time we had a conversation, the last time I hugged you, the last time I said "I love you" and heard it back. When I got in that car to head to one of our family members houses, I didn't know then, that would be the last time I saw you all put together, no broken bones, no oxygen mask, and no bandages.... I remember that day so vividly, it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life still to this day, I remember going to the chapel on the "17th" and praying to God that you would make it out, that I couldn't do this without you, that at the time I wasn't sure how to live without my granny, my savior. But things just seemed to get worse after that and by the morning of the 19th I went back to the chapel and had prayed yet again, but this time I told God that if he needed you more that he could bring you home, as long as you were pain free, and would be happy. I keep asking myself to this day if you're happy up there, if its better than you even imagined. Some days I wish I was there with you, but I know God will call me home on his own time and that I have to be patient, but being patient has never been my virtue... my depression has gotten the better half of me, losing Poppie in may, then it being June and that means 3 whole years without you, it's just been miserable. I wish things could be different and that time machines existed so I could change everything, but they unfortunately don't and I have to suck it up. Im not writing this to get some type of sympathy or even empathy . I like to write because somehow it makes me feel closer, to what? Im not sure. I know that im not everything i told you I wanted to be, I didn't finish school, Im back in the same crappy town, im struggling financially. Every time I talked about the future with my granny it was always, im gonna Graduate college. There was no other choice for me, I had been looking up colleges since I was in 4th grade because I always envisioned bigger things for myself. I just hope that you help guide me to something bigger than my imagination, something that I know you would be proud of. I just know if you were here you would've helped me, and I guess I was expecting that in other people too. But I don't hate anyone or resent them for not being able to help me when I needed it the most. I know that everyone has other kids they have to get through college, that they have to take care of, and bills they're trying pay, I've accepted that. I don't want to burden anyone anyways. I just wish I could still feel as important as I did when you were here, and maybe that was because you knew me better than anyone. I'm sure you know what I've been up to for the past 3 years, I just wish I could know what you've been doing too. I miss you more than words can describe, I love you more than you'll ever know. Thank you for being the absolute best granny a girl like me could even ask for. I hope you know how much I appreciate everything you have ever done for me. I like to think that the reason I feel everything so deeply is because of the way you raised me, and sometimes I do hate you for raising me into a sensitive blunt cry baby. -Maddie 🦋
