Heavy Heart

Chapter 10

I ended up pushing Zack into his truck back at the bar parking lot in order to get him to go home. He offered to come with me to Jackie's house but I refused. He wanted to get together that night but I said no. When I started walking to my car he followed me and wrapped his arms around my torso, "Alright, can I at least have a goodbye kiss, baby?"

I rolled my eyes and attempted to kiss him quickly, but Zack deepened it and held on to me a bit tighter. I pushed him off slightly and whispered, "Just because we hooked up, that doesn't mean we are a couple now. It was just a night of fun." Zack's face fell, he released his embrace around me suddenly. He took a step back and stuffed his hands into his pockets.

"So, after last night, we are still nothing?" he asked. His voice was laced with sadness. He wasn't trying to hide it, his eyes held disappointment. I sighed before I spoke, "Not nothing, just not official. I'm just not interested in that, sorry."

Zack looked down at the ground, he didn't meet my eyes, "So you have other guys in your life?" I shook my head, "Not right now, no. I do date though. I'm not holding you to anything and you shouldn't hold me to anything either."

I crossed my arms over my chest, I knew I sounded harsh but I didn't want to lead him on. Zack was a nice guy but I didn't trust him yet, and I wasn't sure I would ever be able to. I enjoyed what we had done, but one night didn't equal a relationship. I watched him kick the ground under his shoes. Zack sighed and nodded, "So, we are just friends with benefits then? That's all I am?"

I shook my head, "I wouldn't even give it that title. We hooked up once, just once." He swore and turned his back to me, "Wow, that's harsh, Layla. But I guess it's my turn to be pushed into the lockers." Zack walked back to his truck and climbed inside. I thought about running after him but I didn't. Maybe it was true, maybe I just wanted to punish him a little for hurting me years ago, maybe I wasn't ready for anything more. I wasn't sure exactly what I felt, all I knew was I didn't want to rush into anything with Zack and I had to keep him in check.

I watched him pull out of the parking lot, sending gravel flying and a cloud of dust in his wake. I sighed and climbed into my car to go home. I showered and thought about how I'd handled the whole thing with Zack. I wasn't proud of myself, I felt guilty. He obviously wanted more from me than I wanted from him. However I wasn't willing to enter into a relationship just because he wanted me to, I wasn't in a place where I wanted that. I'd never lied to him about what we were, I'd been honest. It would have been more cruel to lead him on and let him think we were more.

Jackie had asked me to pick up some Javex from the Co-Op so I ran to the store on my way to her place. As I was going through the cleaning aisle I ran into Hannah. She smiled when she saw me and pulled her cart up next to mine, "So, how did it go?"

I frowned, "It was fine. He went home this morning." She giggled, "Oh that's awesome! Are you seeing him tonight?" I shook my head.

"Why does everyone think a hook-up equals a relationship? We aren't dating, we aren't anything. It was once, that's it." I told her, annoyed. Hannah's face fell, she took a step back from me, "You just kicked him to the curb?"

I nodded. She sighed loudly, "That's terrible, Layla. Zack really likes you and you just kicked him out. That's harsh." I rolled my eyes, "It was a hook-up, that's it."

Hannah shook her head, "Not to him, and you know that. He likes you, I bet he's sitting at home licking his wounds right now." I chuckled and shrugged, "Well maybe it's his turn to hurt a little bit."

She slapped my arm, "Layla, that's cruel! You knew he was crazy about you and you used him. That's terrible! You are better than that!" I stared into Hannah's face, "Why is it if a guy hooks up it's ok but if a woman does it, she is a cruel, heartless bitch? I never told him I wanted more than a night. Zack is an adult, he can make his own decisions. I never promised him anything. I didn't lead him on."

Hannah shook her head, "I think you do like him and you are scared. I think you are comfortable being alone and afraid to be with someone who could actually love you." I stepped back, "This is not the conversation you have at the grocery store. I'll talk to you later." I walked past her quickly and ducked down the dairy aisle. I couldn't get away from her fast enough as she uttered the word 'love'.