Bang.
That was the noise I heard before a bullet shot through my brother’s skull.
Bang.
That was the noise that I heard every day when I fired my rifle and killed another man.
Bang.
That was the noise that first turned me into a murderer.
I guess you could say that in a way it was my own fault. Well I got the consequences anyway. It was me who decided my brother’s fate, sealed it I suppose. On that day when I came home for tea an army recruitment officer was at the table. I should have never left the football game, I mean I knew that the recruitment team were around but in many ways I had been itching to meet them, it had been John who had been chickening out and had had me hiding in case they found us. I should have really listened to John, as I knew he was usually right but y’ see in my mind logical thoughts don’t really appear until after I’ve made a decision. The officer was called Sgt.Morly and he had come to recruit me and my younger brother John. Immediately I had thought of the positives of becoming a soldier…..the guns, the grub and the girls. I had imagined the hero I would become when I returned. I didn’t even consider the negatives. I had signed myself up without a moment of hesitation. Doubts didn’t come til afterwards.
That night as I lay under the crumpled bed sheets, realisation of what I’d done hit me. I clambered out of bed and rummaged around on the floor for my dressing gown. I seemed to have forgotten we had sold it to make a bit of money. Instead, I buttoned up a thin cardigan and crept into the corridor. I knocked lightly on John’s bedroom door. A sleepy voice murmured ‘I’m not awake’
Tentatively I crossed the room and sat down on the edge of his bed. ‘Look John’ I said ‘It’s not the end. I’ll still be your brother, no matter where I am. Germany, France, even in Japan I would still be your brother and you’d be mine.’
‘Yeah, but Mike it won’t be the same here, not without you.’
‘C’mon John, look you are 17 and I know that it will be hard. I’ll miss you as well but I know it’s the right choice. I know that my destiny is to follow in father’s footsteps and fight for our country.’
‘I know but…’
‘John, I will help England in winning this war. I will fight for your future.’
‘Well, if you are definitely going then I will come too!’
‘Don’t be silly, you can’t come. It’s not what you want. It’s not fair on you.’
‘What, do you think I wouldn’t be good enough?’
‘No, that’s not it. I just want you to be safe and in my mind you are safer back here, with mother.’
‘Look, you said it yourself I’m 17 now. That’s old enough to make my own choices. I want to come!’
Can you now see how it was my fault? It was when I mentioned father, that his mind had started making a plan. We were too loyal back then. He wasn’t young enough to follow my judgement and stay at home. He wasn’t old enough to understand that not everyone is who you think they are. I guess that’s a lesson you can only learn once your eyes have run dry of tears. Mine well and truly have.
At first John and I had got on well. We’d been two lads who had both entered a new life. Of course it had been sad, saying farewell to mother and the neighbours but it was worth it. I’d been fed up of the small town, fed up of the same boring life, the chores and the exact same conversations that had been repeated every single day. But soon after all of that family loyalty and sticking together, we were separated. Different ranks, different jobs, different lives. I made my own friends and my own choices and I guess that’s what hurt John the most. He knew that I was ruining my life but he couldn’t find a way to stop me.
