When We Were Good

Chapter 10

Standing up, I felt the full impact of my buzz. I took a step sideways and nearly tripped over the parking lot's jagged asphalt. I steadied myself and watched Ivan walk away. He didn't turn around. With my hands back in my pockets, I walked back towards the club. I climbed the stairs again, feeling the world slowly shifting sideways, and showed the girl at the door the Sharpie squiggle on my hand.

I found Marie and Chantal standing at the front of the stage with a substantially larger crowd around them, including a couple of people who were smoking. The guys in the band in front of us were all hunched over their instruments, looking possessed. The music was an angular assault and it was way too much for me.

"Hey," Chantal yelled over the music, "where's Ivan?"

"He left."

"What, why?"

I was so ashamed, I could feel the rosy burn in my cheeks. It was normal to do those things, to drink and grope; standard teenage stuff. Sure, it was embarrassing to do all that in public, but that wasn't it, that wasn't why I felt so awful and humiliated. It felt wrong. His hand on me. It just felt wrong. And instead of calling the jerk out on it, I'd let him walk away, let him treat me like trash.

But Ivan was their friend and I couldn't narc on him without having to tell Marie and Chantal how wrong his hand felt. They'd think there was something wrong with me. And wasn't it my fault anyway for staying out there with him in the first place? Didn't I know what was going on?

"I don't know," I said. "Maybe he was sick."

"I'm not surprised," Marie said, fanning the air around her as someone blew smoke in her direction, "with that shit he was drinking."

The band finished their last song and Marie, Chantal and I sat down around a small table at the back of the room. For once, Marie was actually being quiet. I felt nervous and slow, anxious, like I had to keep the conversation going or I'd give myself away, all of my shame. I just wanted to be normal.

"That was, uh, pretty intense," I said. "Who were those guys?"

"You would've known it if you'd just come inside with us," Marie said. Snapped, actually. She was talking to me like I was dumb, like I was drunk.

"They're called Daydream Nationalists," Chantal said.

"Oh," I said. "I can't wait for Falter, are they on next?"

"No," Marie said, "they're the headliner. There's still another band on before them."

"Who's that?" I asked.

"I forget their name," Marie said. "But I've heard they're not very good. And they don't even have any girls in the band."

"Why do you only like girl bands?" I asked. "I think you can still play and be a band and it doesn't matter who's playing the instruments really, you know, as long as you, like, feel it when they play."

"You're totally drunk," said Marie, looking all pissy and accusatory. "Besides, Jawbreaker are like my favourite band and they're all guys."

"Exception to the rule," I said, holding up a finger to make my point, "and I am not drunk, I'm not... only maybe a little bit. We didn't drink that much."

"You and Ivan?" she asked.

"Well, yeah. I mean, he offered."

"I guess I just thought we were together in this or something. I mean, I never see you at parties. I thought you didn't drink."

"No," I said, "I don't any—I used to go to parties. I went to parties with Megan. But her parties were always awful, and anyway, we don't talk anymore because I kind of dated her older brother but didn't tell her. So it's not that I don't drink, I just hate everyone, that's all. No offence, Chantal."

I was talking, and talking, and talking, and why couldn't I stop my stupid mouth from moving? Why was I telling them all of this? Why was I giving up my secret that had ruined everything last year? Now Marie was going to hate me too, just like Megan had after it happened.

"Yeah, whatever," Chantal said, "none taken. I'm going to go to the bathroom."

"This is stupid," Marie said. "I'm like the only person who doesn't just want to get drunk or stoned or whatever. I'm the only one who cares about the music."

A few minutes later, Chantal came back to the table with a bottle of beer in her hand.

"I'm so glad my sister gave me her old driver's license when she got her G2. Thank you, Ontario Ministry of Transportation," she said, raising her bottle in salute. "Your graduated licensing system has made this beer possible." She chugged.

Marie spent the whole second band's set sulking and only grudgingly got excited as Falter set their gear up on stage. Josie looked amazing, all glitter and power.

"That's so cool that she doesn't even need someone to help her with her guitar and everything," I said. "She's so cool."

"Why would she need someone to help her?" Marie snapped.

"You're totally right," Chantal said, taking my side. "I mean, I know women can play and all, but when they know their gear, too, it's so great."

"I think all musicians should know how to handle their instruments," Marie said, then she got up from our table to stand right in front of where Josie was now setting up her mic stand. Josie waved from the stage and we could see Marie chatting her up from where we sat.

"God, Marie has such a crush on her, it's so obvious," said Chantal.

"What are you talking about?" I asked. "She's, like, throwing herself at her and Josie's, like, totally out of her league."

"What? Marie's—she's gay?"

"She says she's bi, but I don't buy it. Ha! Buy it! I didn't even mean it like that. Yeah, she made out with a girl at a show last year and now she's like exploring this, you know, 'new part of herself'" she made air quotes, "which has, like, been there all along. It's totally cool, only she always goes after the ones she can't get. It's, like, torture, watching her."

I looked at the way Marie held her hands and the way she reached out to touch Josie's boots and how she looked up to talk to her.

"You're right," I said, half in awe, "she's shameless."

We watched them for a few more minutes before Josie and her band walked off stage for a minute, then came back on, took their places and told everyone to come up front. By then the place was pretty full, and Chantal and I rushed to the front to find a spot where we could see.

The band was incredible. They played the whole CD—the EP—all the way through, then Josie said, "Okay guys, we're going to play some new songs for you. We've been working really hard, so we hope you'll like them." And just as they were about to start into the first one, she held up her hand and said, "Wait! One more thing. I wanted to say thanks to the two girls who hung out before the show. It means a lot to be able to play a show in a venue where everyone's welcome, and we want to see more bands up here with us, more girls making music and more all-ages shows. Okay, let's go!"

I could see Marie's whole body light up, and my own face broke into a wild grin. And the new stuff was maybe even better than the CD. Josie had this unearthly yowl and she'd tear herself apart right in front of us, then she'd get all quiet and sweet and innocent-sounding before letting it rip again, and I was stuck in my place thinking about how amazing it all was and how I wanted to stop thinking about how amazing it was and just be in the moment, but I didn't want to close my eyes because then everyone would think I was a total weirdo.

Then, Josie caught my eye and smiled as she started into the song's final chorus and I totally fell apart. My head was spinning, so I grabbed Chantal's sleeve and said, "Hey, I've got to go. Tell Marie I said bye."

"Okay," Chantal said, "get home safe."

I flagged a cab coming up Bathurst and rode it up to Bloor and through a few Annex side streets to my house. We pulled up outside, I paid the driver with Mom's cab card, and stumbled out of the car and into the house. My head was still spinning when I got into bed, with Josie's smile and Ivan's breath and Marie's scowl all running on a loop through my brain. My clothes smelled like a carton of cigarettes, I realized as I lay down, but I was too exhausted to change them and I fell asleep in my jeans.