Dysphoria

Chapter one: Another Day To Come

I open my eyes and stare at the off-white popcorn ceiling above me, feeling threatened to get out of my bed.

As I stare up for a few more moments, I predict how my day is going to go. Bad is the only word I can think of to describe it. I get up and walk over to my closet, preparing myself to be blinded by the bright colors my wardrobe contains. I remove casual 'lady clothes' from my closet and head to the bathroom to change into them. I stare in the mirror at myself for a second, tugging at my long, dark, strawberry blonde hair, feeling very tempted to grab a pair of scissors. This is disgusting. Vera Gabriela Vankem, snap out of it. I think to myself, You must present as female, you are female, don't go around believing you're not.

I walk down the stairs to my front door, hoping my mother doesn't see me. Just another day to come, I thought as I made my way out the door. 

.....

I was feeling really bad about myself today, so instead of those girly clothes, I'm wearing my older brothers old basketball sweatshirt and plain black sweatpants. No matter how much I tried to convince myself not to, I cut my hair. I knew that if I asked my mom, she'd tell me no, that I can't just throw my hair away and chop it all off as if it's nothing. But what was so good about it anyway? It's just a straight, light shade of red hair, with blonde in it, what's so absolutely amazing about that, that I can't just cut it? What I did to my hair was my choice and my choice only, besides- I personally think it looks kind of good. I cut the sides off of my hair, making it look like a messy shaved-sides mens haircut, I cut four or five inches off the top and moved the side part to a middle part.

I felt very relieved after cutting my hair, but I still didn't feel too great, being aware of my chest, other areas, and things. Why was I feeling this way? I've felt like this since elementary school, but now more than ever. Is there a name for it? Is it like- masculine females? No, that can't be right. Am I just a tomboy? Do tomboys feel the need to get rid of their chests completely? Do they feel sad and angered when they see it? I have so many questions and nobody to answer them, but myself.