Under The Moonlight

Part 4.

Y/N's POV

I stepped inside the door, exhausted after a long day at the university. I had to work on this project for the whole day and didn't get any time to relax. The fact that it was a group project was like a fly in the ointment.

"Argghh....why is working with people so energy-draining?" I mourned out loud to the walls and plopped myself to the couch, too tired to even move a finger. I stayed like a dead fish on the couch until my stomach growled, reminding me that I hadn't had a proper meal since yesterday.

I groaned and dragged myself to the bathroom to fill the tub with warm water with few drops of essential oil to make the bath more relaxing. For the cherry on top, I lit some scented candles. I just decided to eat while taking a warm bath to save the time I would spend showering.

I unwrapped the untouched pizza from yesterday after getting it out of the fridge and heated it up. Grabbing the heated pizza, ice cream, and my laptop from the bedroom, I got comfortable in the bath, listening to some podcasts. Eating while in the bath was a lazy habit of mine, probably weird even, which I didn't really bother because I found it very comforting. It was my escape, to be honest.

Two podcasts and a mini bathroom concert later, I got out of the bath and wrapped myself in the robe, heading to my closet to grab a comfy oversized tee and a pair of shorts. I then placed a face mask on my face and laid down on the bed, enjoying the cool sensation after a long day.

I had managed to keep Jungkook out of my head since he left yesterday. Shooting all the thoughts of the love of my life away was definitely easier said than done, but I just kept myself busy all day to avoid thinking about him. At the moment, this was the only way to keep me sane and not break down.

However, him not calling me at lunchtime got me a little panicky and suspicious, even. He had never forgotten to make sure I had had my lunch since the day he knew that I would skip lunch most of the days, out of habit that I developed in my teens when I didn't have enough money to afford me enough food.

However, he not only not called me today but also hung up on me when I tried to make conversation with him. That got me feeling down in the dumps, but I shrugged it off, convincing myself that he must be busy taking care of Jimin. Or at least tried to convince.

I realized that my mind was drifting off to Jungkook again, so I tried to force myself to not think about him but soon realized I couldn't ignore my feelings for too long. One day or the other, I have to face reality anyway. Thus, I just gave up on fighting my own thoughts and let them flow in my mind after caging them for the whole day.

Although his reaction to my proposal was not something I fancied, it was certainly not very far from what I expected. I must have confused him at his deepest level or even freaked him out that he couldn't speak even a word.

I have known him for years now, and at this point, I am confident I can read him like an open book.

His expression, when I confessed, certainly meant that he was utterly shocked, his silence meaning he was collecting his thoughts.
Moreover, Jungkook is not the person to ponder over something for so long. He is always crystal clear about what he wants in his life, so I suppose I have to take his silence as rejection.

The ceiling looked blurred to me, and that's when I realized my tears had already flooded my eyes and were on the verge of leaking. I took off the face mask and yanked it across the room to the bin, not wanting to get off my bed. I didn't know where it landed, but I couldn't care less with Jungkook clouding my mind.

I hugged one of the pillows and dug my face into the one I was laying my head on, trying to find some comfort. My pillow was getting drenched by my tears, but I didn't care about that either.

I was trying to reason with myself why I should not be sad about Jungkook not reciprocating the feelings, and how we could still keep up our friendship when it suddenly clicked me, he didn't speak to me the way he usually speaks when I called him. His voice was not sweet and pleasant as always but somewhat rushed and cold, as if he wanted to end the conversation as soon as possible. Or maybe he didn't even want to start the conversation in the first place. He even hung up on me without saying anything.

I didn't want to think about Jungkook when I was in the university, so I just ignored it back then, but now that I think about it.... I feel like he was trying to distance himself from me. Could it be that he is awkward now and doesn't want to continue our friendship anymore?

God, I messed it up really bad this time. Why do I always have to push people away and suffer because of my own stupidity? Now, I am on the verge of losing my only friend. How foolish could I be to not realize that Jungkook may be uncomfortable if he doesn't share the same feeling? Stupid.

I yanked my happiness out of my life on my own this time. I can't blame anyone. I should have thought about the consequences beforehand.

I never knew being honest about my feelings would result in me losing the only person I have in my life. Had I known that I had to face this outcome, I would have never decided to reveal my feelings. If being honest meant losing him, I would rather love him from afar.

But I thought being honest and open about my feelings was meant to make me feel lighthearted? Why do things always have to go the wrong way with me?

Even my own feelings are playing tricks on me. If we were not meant to be, then why did it have to feel so right every time we shared affection? Did all those moments, all those feelings screaming 'he is the one' mean nothing but a mere imagination?

I feel so stupid to let my feelings grow for my best friend, though. He is my best friend, for god's sake. How could I be so dumb not to realize he doesn't think anything more of me? How into fantasies could I be to not see the reality in front of me?

I was choking on my tears at this point. My head ached because of excessive thinking, and my eyes felt heavy. I was completely exhausted, both physically and emotionally.

. . . .

I woke up with my head throbbing, eyes feeling heavy, and a sore throat. Not having energy even after the hours-long rest, I just stayed on my bed for what seemed like forever, staring into nothingness. I thought about skipping the class, but I had an important project to be completed by tomorrow, and I could not risk skipping a day, so I settled on skipping my work. Hopefully, I can convince my group members to let me work alone on my part of the project for today. I have no energy nor any willingness to deal with people.

Overwhelmed by the feeling of helplessness, complimented by a heavy heart, I hauled myself towards the bathroom to get ready for the day. I gazed at myself in the mirror. Swollen eyes, puffy face, tears stained cheeks, dry lips, and messy hair.
Pathetic.
That's the state I was in.

Heaving a heavy sigh to control myself from breaking down once more, I walked to the shower to freshen up. I couldn't attend the university looking like a clown. I iced my eyes to reduce the swelling and tried my best to look presentable. I grabbed a granola bar and left my apartment, more like forced myself out of the comfort of my home, to face a not-so-awaited day.