As Cold As Ice // Charlie Gillespie

Chapter 43

"Charlie, I said I can't do this!" - "I know it's what you said but it's not true. You think it is but it's not." I don't know my way around Charlie's school but I'm pretty sure he's leading me towards their ice rink. "Charlie!" He stops so quickly I bump right into him. "Mia Carter, do you trust me?" I nod carefully. "Good, then follow me." Reluctantly, I follow along feeling more and more worried the closer we get to where I think the rink is located. We didn't bring my skates which makes me feel a little less anxious but there still must be a reason why we're going to the rink. When we get there my heart aches at the memories I connect with the ice.

I step closer to the barrier and look at the ice. No one has been on here yet. That's how I like it best, fresh and free to do whatever you want. When I turn back around to Charlie he has exchanged his shoes with his skates. "Charlie. I'm not skating." He shakes his head, smiling. "I never said you are." He nods his head towards the rink and in a corner I didn't realize before there is a sledge. "You're joking." His smile grows wider as he shakes his head. "Come on." Charlie steps onto the ice and holds out his hand for me to take. I hesitate for a moment but then I do. As soon as my boots touch the ice I feel the familiar feeling of peace rush through me but only seconds later the memory of my accident appears and I remember the pain that shot through my ankle. "Mia, look at me." I force myself to focus on Charlie. "Take a deep breath. You're ok." The sledge is only two steps away but I can't move. Where I felt free a few months ago I feel trapped now. "You got this." I tighten my grip on Charlie hand as I push my foot forwards, closer to the sledge. I force my second foot to follow along and, as soon as it's in my reach I grab for the sledge and sit down. Charlie skates around to the front of the sledge and squats in front of it. Softly brushing his hand against my cheek he says "See, I told you you got this." I shake my head, smiling. "You're crazy." Without responding Charlie reaches for the rope that's attached to the sledge and starts skating backwards slowly. I grip my hands into the wood tightly for the first few minutes but the longer he keeps skating the more relaxed I feel. This isn't bad. Once we're stopped I get up slowly but as soon as my boots touch the ice again the fear returns. Seconds ago I felt free again, the fear was gone but now it's back. Charlie is standing in front of me and reaches for both my hands. "It's ok, I'm here." Slowly he guides me to the exit. The moment my feet touch solid ground I can feel myself calm down again. I can't believe the one place that felt like home to me is now causing me to be more afraid than ever.

"I told you I can't do it" I say sadly once we're sitting back in Charlie's car. "Mia, Rome wasn't build in a day. You've been on the ice for almost an hour today. It's a start." I've been sitting on a sledge - that's hardly a start, is it? But he's right, I haven't been on the ice for two months, maybe today was a start. "In two weeks time you'll be skating like you never stopped." Out of nowhere my pulse starts racing and I remember something mum said the day the doctor's gave their ok to go back to skating. You'll be back to your old form in no time. You might be able to do the competition after all. I know she was trying to be supportive but something in the sound of her voice put a lot of pressure on me.

"What if I'm not?" - "Then you're not. Whatever happens, we're gonna find a way to deal with it." I know that if I did start training again today I would be able to make up for a lot of loss in the two weeks I'm here but at this point I still can't imagine ever standing on the ice again. "Mia, stop brooding. It won't make it better, it'll make it worse. It's not your body that's scared of the ice, it's your mind." I know it's my mind that's scared but before the accident one step onto the ice would have shut up any thoughts I have. My body would have taken over. The fact that it doesn't anymore means it's scared too, right?

Charlie pulls over in the literal middle of nowhere. "What are we doing?" - "We're going for a walk" he says shrugging. Without waiting for my response he jumps out of the car and opens my door. "Ehm, do you want me to freeze to death?" I thought it was cold back home but it's much worse up here. "Hey, I promised to keep you warm, remember?" I smile at the memory and jump out of the car. For a while we walk in a comfortable silence which gives me time to admire the beauty of the nature out here. It's all covered in a soft layer of snow which makes it look even more beautiful. "It's amazing out here." Charlie lets go of my hand and wraps his arm around my shoulder instead, pulling me closer. "I know right? It's one of my favorite spots." I understand why. It's so peaceful and quiet. We stop at a little river that's mainly frozen apart from a few places where the water is still running. I turn around to face Charlie and in that moment I say the words I never said out loud before. "I love you Charlie."