I have no idea what to do with my life anymore. It just seems that everything is going in the wrong direction...down, down, down. Social life, with my boyfriend cheating on me with one of my friends, my school work, and even my home life, though that wasn't the best to start out with.
I get abused at home. There I said it. Should that make it better? With what is happening with me at home? Being able to tell the public that I am abused at home should make it better, right? Well, it doesn't. Nothing does that. Nothing except him, that is.
But, before I get ahead of myself. Him. I can't tell you his name, otherwise he would absolutley kill me. The teasing way, not actually killing me. He's sweet, caring, the usual things you here about a guy. Except this one, he's unique. He's become my confidant, best friend, everything you could possibly hope for in a guy. Except he doesn't see it the way I do. He can't see himself as an amazing human being who has pretty much risked his life for me multiple times. He plans on killing himself this spring break, which is over Holy week.
Don't get me wrong, I believe in God and stuff. I just wonder why God hasn't stepped in yet to save me. Why hasn't he ever decided, "Yeah, that's enough for her. Just move onto the next person." Or decided that he's had enough. Enough with his self harm, his harshness towards others, but being the nicest person alive once you get to know him. He's worth everything to me. I would trade my life for his in an instant. But of course, being the insufferable guy he is (I'm saying this in the nicest possible way) he wants me to live.
I know that our relationship (if you can call it that) is doomed. It has been from the very beginning. I knew that the second I met him. I skipped three days of biology class to be able to sit with him during lunch. I saw his scars. I think I see everything about him, but then I see a new side of him, one I haven't seen before and the whole process of sorting out the puzzle that is him is started all over again. He's an enigma. A puzzle. I don't just want to solve him to be able to solve him, I want to become his everything, his reason for living.
It's just....he already has a guy. Yeah I did say guy. If you even think about dissing gays with me right now, beware. I will block you from reading this book (if that's possible) and I will report you. Yeah, I know, you have freedom of speech, blah blah blah. But seriously, this is my freedom of speech right here, right now. So fuck off of him being bi.
Those of you who are listening (reading?) to me rant about my feelings about him, thank you. Thank you for being understanding about where I'm coming from (I think you are anyways?).
Anyways, I have to get on with my homework, so au revoir (if any French speakers are out there is that the right way to say goodbye?)
