Twoset Shorts

I don't wanna close my eyes (fluff)

I had troubles sleeping.
That one passage in the 3rd movement of Sibelius was bugging the crap out of me.

The last weeks after Brett's recovery had been an emotionally rollercoaster to me.
I was glad he was up, by all means. I loved that he was able to practice with me again, that we could go back to work, and the fact that he looked better!
Og course, I'm no monster.
But at the same time, having him recovering meant our livestream was coming up, and.... sometimes I even felt happy Brett had to take that break, it gave me more time.
(I know it sounds awful, but hey, I'm only human.)
It gave me more time to be dreading for it...
I looked forward to get it over with though.
That mix of feelings was wearing me out. At the same time I was still tense after being taking care of Brett during his disease.
I was way too overwhelmed. My head was spinning. Really.
That's why I couldn't sleep.

I've always been nocturnal, my mother told me, keeping her up all night, sleeping all day. That's just how God created me.
At least now I don't need to cry all night to get attention from anyone. I'm old enough to enjoy these silent, dark hours now. Hours of just me and whatever I wanna be doing. Hours of just me and the old, dead composers. Or even something newer.
These nights I'm able to live out my guilty pleasure; listening to today's music. I'm not that innocent of a guy people seem to think.
I think Brett has an idea about it, but that's ok.
At least he goes to bed at night!

I think most people don't realise how different we are, Brett and I. We have two totally different personalities. And to me at least, that's a lot of the fun and joy of being in a relationship with him. He always amazes me with some new thoughts and ideas and fun, things the introverted me never even thought about being possible. Brett is much more outgoing, but at the same time the nerdy and innocent one.
Where as I, in spite of being that more cool, openminded dude, also am the one to sit quiet and read and learn.
We are two very mixed creatures, but still the opposites in many ways. Like two pieces from the same puzzle. We complete eachother.
I knew we did from the very first conversation.
I knew he was the love of my life from that day. But I guess it was too hard for me, living it out before I was an adult. After years of supressing agony and despair from not being able to be as close to him as I wanted, I knew I had to take action on my feelings.
And I did.
I knew how he felt. For me. All there was left for me to do was telling him, open my heart for him.
Luckily it was a huge success.

The only thing holding me together right now this night, was the music.
Isn't it ironic?
It was driving me insane at the same time as it was the only thing keeping me from falling apart.
I had contented myself with watching all the Sibelius-recordings there were on YouTube, I had been clicking enough times to put a cramp in my finger.
My entire body was sore from the awkward sitting positions and the dull kind of panic that was pulling all my muscles into tight knots, without me being aware of it, even.
Yeah, my body has its own ways, during stressed times I actually have to focus real hard and force myself to calm down, because I don't even know I've got my shoulders over my ears, but I do.

It was 3.30 and really about time to go to bed. I was already on the edge of being seriously sleep deprived.
It really didn't feel good, my brain usually started spinning with awfully dark and scary thoughts when the deprivation set in, making it even harder yet to get to sleep.

I had been struggling with myself for some time now. I had to ask for assistance. And the very best assistance, help and comfort I could get, was my sleeping partner.
Brett is the only one that can keep my sanity in place on days like this.
When music can't fix it anymore, Brett is the one I have to turn to.
Let me tell you; he is way tougher than he looks!
He is my pillar, even though lots of people seem to think otherwise.
I am the weakest one.
Well, Brett blames my sensitivity. I'm not weak, I'm not a pussy, I'm crying all the time just because I'm a sensitive guy.
Can you believe that?
Isn't he amazing?