A Little Quickie

"Well, all I need is five...okay, four..."

"Cut...again," Lee murmured unenthusiastically.

Collective moans and disapproving head shakes from the Ordinary World cast swarmed harshly around me as I erupted into laughter. I'd lost track of what take we were on now. All I knew was that we were on at least day three of trying to get through this scene.

"Billie, my man," Lee started, sighing dramatically and running a hand through his thinning hair. "You're killing me. By the time we're done filming this movie, I'm going to be bald! I swear to God. And it's going to be because of you," he chuckled slightly through clenched teeth. "We just need to get past this one line. You can do this. Okay? Just take a deep breath and go. It's really not that funny," he said, matter-of-factly.

I could feel his impatient daggers piercing my soul as we made eye contact.

"Dude, I'm so sorry. I know it's not. I just can't get over this line for some reason. Who only lasts four minutes in bed? Kind of pathetic," I murmured, trying desperately to stifle my giggles, but failing miserably. "I just feel bad for Perry's wife!"

An unimpressed glare from Selma made me crack up all over again.

"Seriously, Billie Joe?" she giggled softly, arms folded tightly across her chest. She was trying her best not to fuel my own giggles.

"It's just a movie! Just because you may be superman in the sheets doesn't mean Perry is!" she continued, elbowing me playfully.

"I'm not saying I am!" I protested, tears now bouncing off my cheeks from laughter. "All I'm saying is I definitely -"

"For heaven's sake, Billie Joe...it's a movie," Lee interrupted, clearly fed up with my shit. "Just go with it. Please. It's lunch time and we're all starving," he huffed.

"So damn uptight," I thought to myself as Lee shifted anxiously in his director's chair, squinting at the clock. Briefly studying the house entrance, he looked back at me with pity.

That was weird. He looked so disappointed. It was like he had expected the Queen herself to come waltzing through, but she didn't show up.

"Alright, let's go! Places, please, everyone," he continued, turning his attention back to the set.

The sound of bodies scurrying briefly filled the air as everyone prepared for yet another take. Selma slugged me playfully as she flew up the stairs. With a residual smile, I took my place at the bottom of the stairs. Again.

"Alright...action!" Lee mouthed quietly and somewhat apprehensively.

Jolting up the stairs, I met Selma in the doorway to what was Karen and Perry's bathroom.

"Hey! Morning, sexy," I smiled.
"What?"
"Morning," I murmured again over the loud hairdryer.
"I'm sorry, what?"
"I said hi."
"Oh, hi, hon!" she said distractedly.
"Hey, uh — you up for a little quickie?" I asked, feeling my stomach start to churn with impending laughter.

"Keep it fucking together," I thought to myself.

"Very funny," she said, zooming right past me into the bedroom. "I have to be in court in 20 minutes."

Deep breath, Billie Joe.

"Well, all I need is five," I protested with a slight smile.

Oh, how my eyes burned from holding back tears of laughter.

"Okay, four," I murmured, positioning myself in our doorway and turning away from the camera to look at Selma.