Voices

Chapter 1

I'm not crazy, I am a lot of things, but I am not crazy. I am surrounded by four grey walls and no escape, but that doesn't mean I'm crazy. That means everyone else thinks I'm crazy. I can hear voices that aren't really here, and it sounds crazy, but it's not. The world is crumbling around the remains of the human race, but I wouldn't know. I haven't said anything since they threw me in here, and they literally threw me. I don't know why they were always so physical with me, I never protested them, not once. I don't know if they're scared of me, everyone else seemed to be. I don't understand how someone could fear me, I'm not a threat. I don't have some secret plan to blow this place up, but they treat me like I do. There are 2 types of quiet people, the innocent and the mysterious. I'm the innocent, I always have been. I don't have a secret to keep, my only secret is that I'm not crazy, and that's not even a secret, it's a statement, a simple sentence, and that sentence just digs me deeper into this hole. They think I'm so insane that I don't know I'm insane, but I'm not insane, I'm not anything, I'm just a shadow on the walls. I don't trust the people here, how could I? I don't really trust anybody. I still have trouble trusting myself. 

This room is empty of life, you can see the marks of people who were here before me on the walls. Sometimes I wonder who was here before me, sometimes I wonder if they were crazy. I wonder if they would shake violently in the corner, paralyzed by their past, I wonder if they saw the future, I wonder if they found joy in viciously murdering people, I wonder if they enjoyed watching them bleed and hearing them scream for mercy. I wonder a lot of things. My thoughts are all I have to keep me company. I haven't heard the voices for 21 weeks. I've only ever heard one voice, and it hasn't talked to me since my second week of being trapped here, Sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy and if the voices really are in my head, but people don't just go insane, they are driven to their own madness. My sanity is all I have left, and people still question if its actually there, I still question if its actually there. I constantly have to remind myself that I am not crazy. I'm in a room that's empty of love, it has a small cot, 2 thick blankets, it is the only home I've really known, and it is not much different than the universe outside of it. The empty universe that has destroyed itself. I haven't been outside for 6 months, I haven't seen my mother or father for two years. That's a lot of time to think, you would assume I would have thought of an escape route by now, but all I've found is a reason to give up. When I leave, if I ever do leave, there will be nothing waiting for me aside from the freezing nights and hazy days full of self-pity and loneliness. I don't remember a lot of things before the hospital visits and chasing down scientists to find out what was so wrong with me. I remember a few things though, but I kind of wish I didn't. I don't really remember what my mom looked like on a normal day, all I ever saw was fear in her eyes. She rejected me from her perfect family, she was afraid of me. My own mother did not love me, she couldn't even stand the thought of me. I was a monster in her eyes. I was crazy in her eyes. I am not crazy. My dad tried to love me, I could tell, he really wanted to love me, but he couldn't. I remember him trying to hug me, but he still kept a distance, it was the kind of hug that makes you sad, because they're afraid to be that close to you. He was afraid. But he wasn't afraid of me, he was afraid of loving me, he was afraid of admitting he loved me. He didn't even look at me when I was sent away. He thought I was crazy. I am not crazy. All I remember is the boy across the street, his name was Cody, he didn't think I was crazy. He took an interest in what they said to me, all the voices I heard, it was usually just the same one over and over trying to get in my head, but there have been others, but they were never talking to me directly, they were talking to each other or to someone else, but I heard them. They were there. He understood, or at least he tried to understand, he didn't look at me like I was different, while everyone else glared at me like my existence was ruining their day, the coldness in their eyes had me convinced I really didn't belong here. He was my tie to the world, he is the reason I still think about leaving. His address is the only way I remember my own, I was at his house most of the time, it was the only place people didn't fear me or give me looks of pity. I wonder if he still lives there, I wonder if he still remembers me. I liked him a lot, I liked the oceans in his eyes, I like the way he smiled with half his mouth, I liked how he talked to me like I was all that he saw in a room full of people. Maybe I should have told him that before I left. It's too late to go back, and it's not like I'm getting out of here. It's useless, everything is at this point. I grabbed one of the blankets from the cot and wrapped myself up and sat against the grey wall. I closed my eyes and let my thoughts bang against the inside of my skull, I could feel the universe running through my veins and my memories and regrets running from my eyes. I cried silently, because nobody would listen to my pleads. It felt like there was an alternate reality inside my head and my mind was digging holes through silver and gold trying to fix me. I'm not crazy. "You look lonely," something whispered. My eyes shot open and I examined the dark room, the voices. It's been 21 weeks. "You're back," I smiled, my voice barely above a whisper. I was almost relieved to hear it, it's really there, I heard it with my ears, not my mind. "I never left." it said, and I sat up straight trying to pick up every word. "Why cant I see you?" I asked, slightly annoyed. I've never seen who's voice it was, but today it bothered me, I didn't like the feeling that I was alone and that I was talking to myself. It made me feel like I was going mad. "Why does the fact that you can't suddenly bother you?" 23 seconds of silence before I replied. "I need to get out of here" I muttered, more to myself than the voice. "How are you going to do that?" The voice asked, I could hear its amusement. "With you" I growled, not really trying to make sense of what I was saying. I knew it was hopeless, but pretending I could get out of here was better than soaking up my own misery. 74 seconds of silence before it replied. "Why would I do that? Why would I help you?" it finally responded, I could hear doubt in its tone and it felt like doubt and fear was cascading down my spine. "What do you want from me? Why are you talking to me? You must need something." I hissed into the nothingness. "Well, yes, but I'm starting to doubt a helpless kid like you could help me," I stood up with all the things I've ever felt boiling beneath my skin. I was growing tired of its remarks. I wasn't helpless. "Why can't I see you?" I asked the wall, like it would give me an answer. "I'm not a human" was my only response. 146 seconds of silence before I replied "So are you a tree? Was I sent to an asylum for talking to plants?" I said it sarcastically, but there was a spot of fear in my gut that I was talking to nobody. There was a growing black speck in my mind that couldn't keep me from wondering if I really am crazy. "No, don't be ridiculous" It laughed, I could feel it taunting me. "This isn't a joke, you took away everything I've ever had, you owe me," I wasn't weak, I made it this far, I wasn't playing games anymore. "You owe me an entirely new life." I insisted. "It's not my fault your parents couldn't love your flaws" it shot back like that would effect me. "You're not my flaw, flaws don't get people into asylums, but I'm surrounded by grey walls and it's your fault." 47 seconds of silence before it replied. "The world is dying and you need to fix it" 82 seconds of silence. "Is this a joke?" 33 seconds of silence. "No, this planet needs saving, and I know how to save it, but how am I supposed to save it with only a voice?" 12 seconds of silence. "Talk to people" I muttered, trying to get it all through my head. "Not everyone can hear me, and the people who can hear me won't listen to anything I say." 6 seconds of silence. "Are they crazy?" I asked, although I was fearing the answer. 56 seconds of silence. "Are you crazy?" I shook my head. "I can't save anything if I'm inside an asylum, lets make a deal. If you get me out of here, I'll help you save the planet," 234 seconds, I was starting to wonder if it left me here to rot, I probably would too, I sound insane. "Hello? If you help me, I'll help you." I repeated. "It's not that easy"