He's gone.
I stared at the message on my phone. Reading it over and over. I couldn't feel anything..not my breath that ceased all together. Not his stare, examining my expression. Not the tears falling down my face.
Just the burning. The burning unlike normal anguish I was morbidly used to, the kind that starts in the pit of your stomach. Making its way to the lungs as if I was breathing salt water, up to my chest and throat. My gaze seemed to peer past the phone in my hand as I lay on the bed. Past the wall, the neighborhood, into a space that is not memorable.
I can't believe it. Not as if I had a choice, my brain wouldn't process. Why? Why would he do it. I could of.. I should of.... I can't think. Suddenly Im standing, ringing in my ears like a flash bang, I can hear a distant voice. An angry one. I see my boyfriend staring at me with narrowed eyes, face red and mouth open as he screams. But how would he understand? How could anyone? The type of relationship Honey and I had it was.. special.. not sexual, but any man willing to scream at someone after their friend dies isn't the type of man that understands these types of things and moves past his own ego. No. I don't mind that he's mad. For once, no one matters. The ringing fades out as I walk past him into the bathroom to look in the mirror. His voice become clear again, "that guy is a bad guy! How could you be so upset? Do you know what he did to my father? I told you what he did remember? Him and his friend. Dad chased him around the car, he shouldn't of called him that." Ignoring him was almost as easy as it was to let the tears flow. Which up until now I forgot were streaming down my face. I look at myself. Pitiful. Disgusting. I hadn't realized I was such a mess. My hair needed brushed badly, my eyes dark and now puffy. Wet with tears making them glisten almost as if I had been punched in both of them. I narrow my eyes as I look closer, little spots appearing around my eyes and mouth. I've seen that before. I was crying so hard without expressing it the pressure made me look almost like I was struggling to use the bathroom. I turn and walk past him, back to the bedroom and sit down. Realizing the ringing had blocked out what he was saying again the whole time only for it to fade away once more.
The skin on my lips seemed to rip apart as they finally started to speak. I didn't know how long it had been now since I read the message. 15 minutes? 30? And hour? All I knew is that he hasn't stopped screaming. I pleaded, "please.. just stop.. how can you talk about him like that right now..I just.." my voice faded within me. I couldn't. I didn't have any energy to argue. There was no arguing. No one would ever know what Honey and I had, they would never understand. The thought just kept playing in my head. I stand up and walk out, out to the front door and go outside. I hear him yelling something behind me from the front door, loud bangs, I heard it before. No amount of walls being destroyed of items being thrown could change my mind. I was taking a walk.. all I wanted was fresh air and quiet..the cold textured sidewalk pokes my feet with each step. Suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder at I get to the end of the road and turn to see him following. I look down at his bare feet and can't help but feel deja Vu. I've been in this situation before. I look back up at him. "I'm sorry..let's just go back home."
The hot water fills the tub as I sit there. My face against the cold tile wall. His eyes still narrowed on me. I still don't care. Honey is gone. A part of my heart with him. Seemingly, a large part, at the state of my absent mind. "Babe...are you sure you're okay" I hear his voice cut through. Annoying at this rate. Quit acting like you care. Quit trying to get me to talk about how I feel so you can attack what I say and twist my words with your jeallious mind. I look at him and nod. If there was one thing I was sure of in this moment, it was that the only person who loved me, was dead.
