Under The Moonlight

Part 7.

Y/N's POV

I am enjoying myself at the beach with my parents and my sister, running around, making sandcastles, and splashing water on everyone around me. A birthday hat on and a sash around my body which read 'Birthday Girl' in a really pretty font. Seems like it is my birthday.

"Look at my sandcastle, it's prettier than Clara's, isn't it?" I address my mom, showing her the sandcastle I built, which, was nothing but a blob of sand.

"Oh wow Y/N, you have done a great job." My mom praises me, clapping her hands.  The dramatic clap and exaggerated praise they give to toddlers.

"What about mine, mom?" Clara whines from next to me. 

"Aww...yours is beautiful as well, dear, my daughters are so talented." She gestures for us to come to her while giving the most sugarcoated comment ever, but the naive creatures we were, it worked.

"Thank you, mom." We hug her tight, the warm sensation of our mom's embrace providing us with a feeling of assurance and security. It doesn't last long though because the kid me is more excited about having fun.

"How about you try to catch me, Clara?" I say and immediately get out of my mom's embrace, running towards the ocean. 

"Don't go too far, Y/N." My mom shouts. I giggle and run around the beach expecting Clara to be running behind me.

Out of breath, I peek at Clara, and to my surprise, find myself alone on the seashore. I walk back to the spot where my parents were. No one. I am all alone on the beach. I look around, trying to find any clue of where my parents could have gone, to notice a familiar pair of eyes looking at me.

"Jungkook?" I walk towards him to greet him with a hug but he backs away. 

"Do I know you?" He says, taking me by yet more surprise. 

"What do you mean, Jungkook? Stop messing with me." I try to chuckle out the uneasiness. The look in his eyes feels too unfamiliar to take his question as a pure joke. Something is not right.

"I am not. I have no idea who you are, young lady." He declares and walks away from me.

"Jungkook? Where are you going?" I ask but get no reply. Instead, he slowly fades away into nothingness.

Confused, I look around, I am no longer at the beach. The sunny, clear sky is gone, replaced by a dark and dull environment with clouds ready to pour, and I am surrounded by dense trees. I look at myself, contemplating the fact that I definitely didn't look like a grown-up five minutes ago. The tall trees around me look like they are mocking me for being by myself amidst the conifers.

"Mom? Dad? Clara? Jungkook?" I try to scream all their names, but no sound comes out of my throat.

I opened my eyes wide and abruptly sat up, inspecting the environment around me. I was sweating and panting, my cheeks soaked in tears. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest, it felt like it was going to jump off my ribcage any second. 

I tried to calm down and reason with my surroundings. I was in my room, and whatever I saw and felt was a nightmare. Just a scary nightmare. I repeated in my head to convince myself that I was okay. Did it work though? Definitely not. The thought of being alone terrified me, whether it be in the nightmare or in life. 

I brought my knees to my chest and hugged them, hiding my face in between my knees, still repeating the phrase like a mantra. Just a scary nightmare. I tried to focus on breathing with all the energy I had left in me. Couldn't say if it was working though, with all the thoughts in my head, indistinct and unclear, like a static.

How did I end up here though? I was finally able to read my thoughts.

I recollected talking to Jungkook after avoiding him for the whole day because I was not ready to hear his cold voice again. Surprisingly, he was not at all cold, instead, he sounded worried. However, I didn't have any energy to do anything after talking to him so I decided to take a nap which seemed like the most terrible decision I have ever made.

"I miss you, Mom," I said and just stayed curled up for a while.
After I regained my composure a bit more, I grabbed the photo frame of my family from my nightstand and hugged it tightly. 

I thought it would help me control myself but I ended up crying harder. The nightmare haunted me every time I tried to calm down. I tried laying down on my bed, hugging my pillow, and covering myself with the blanket to have some warmth but nothing worked.

My bed was not providing me even the slightest bit of comfort I needed at the moment. I felt suffocated in my room. The room was devoid of a person, reminding me that I was all alone and lonely. I could not stay in my room and keep myself sane any longer so I got out of my apartment. I just knew that I needed some comfort right now and my bedroom was providing me with none of it.

. . .

Not even glancing around, I walked straight to where my family was. I just dropped myself in front of my mom's gravestone and hung my head low, letting my almost dried-out eyes water into the grassy land. I couldn't think of anything at the moment. So I just sat there in silence, grieving the death of my loved ones.

The weather was chilly, a typical fall night. I shivered every time the cold breeze hit me but I couldn't care less about it. In fact, the fresh air was making me feel less suffocated, helping me calm down.

After sitting there for god knows how long, my eyes got tired and deprived of tears making me able to finally pull my physical self together. I pushed myself to stand up and dragged myself towards my sister's tombstone.

"Hello, Clara." I greeted her with a raspy whisper, the result of crying for so long. I sat down and caressed the stone, hoping to feel the warmth of her scalp but all I felt was the freezing stone. I sadly smiled and slumped down, feeling my eyes getting wet, again. It's kinda surprising I could still produce tears but I didn't think about it.

Even after years of losing them, I still could not accept the fact that they were not with me anymore. I didn't want to. It felt unreal. Like a lie. A lie everyone was telling me and I had to go along. 

But I knew, deep down, that all of this was real-- the lonely, nightmarish life--because I knew my family. I trusted them. They would never leave me alone voluntarily. They would be by my side when I was struggling. Because they loved me. 

I lost my family when I was not even ready to face the world, and now I was losing my only ray of hope because of my stupid decision. I thought I would be able to keep my friendship intact even if he rejected me, but now I didn't even have any courage to face him. The fact that he hadn't even rejected me yet made me feel nauseous.

I felt like my life was falling apart, again. The last time it happened, I found Jungkook, who filled the void in my life. But it was not the same this time. I had lost all my strength and spirit to open up to someone like I did with Jungkook. I didn't know if I could stand up again if he left my side.

I never signed up for this wretched life, did I? What did I even do to deserve all this? Where did I even go wrong?

Why me? And as cliche as it might sound, I was asking the question.

I was so lost in my grief that I didn't notice someone placing a jacket over me and sitting beside me until they pulled me into their embrace. 

"Shh... I am here. Everything will be okay, calm down." The soothing voice made me more vulnerable and I sobbed even harder, wetting their shirt with my tears.