drown it out / rob jetten x Jesse klaver / resse

when we meet again

The days following Rob his death were all a blur for Jesse. He remembers Sjoerd being the first one to arrive at Rob his apartment. Apparently, he had come back to the Netherlands that day to surprise Rob. He had come back one day too late. One day could have made the difference, that one day could have maybe saved Rob his life, or could it really? Or would it just have been a delay of the inevitable? Rob might have stayed a view more days, weeks maybe months, but eventually it all would have led to this point.

Sjoerd was the one who found Jesse curled up on the couch, tears streaming down his face but not responding to anyone, so Sjoerd had made the call to Jolein asking if she could come by, pick up Jesse and bring him to the hospital. Sjoerd was convinced that Jesse was in some state of shock, but who could blame him, he was the one to find Rob, Sjoerd couldnt imagine how traumatizing that would have been.

Rob his mom and dad arrived shortly after immediately falling in Sjoerd his arms, they cried in each others arms, what was understandable they just lost their son and partner. They didnt even have a proper goodbye.

Jolein had arrived in no time, to pick Jesse up. She took him to the hospital where they checked up on him. He seemed to be in some sort of shock, but that was to be expected. But what no one knew was what was going on in Jesse his mind. Everyone thought it was the shock of finding your colleague and friend dead in his own house. But that was not it.

Jesse was blaming himself. How could he not have noticed? How could he not have noticed how skinny Rob had become, how he was closing everyone off, how the bags under his eyes were getting darker, how his skin was becoming paler, how Rob would wear long sleeves even when the weather was so warm that you would melt away in shorts and a t-shirt. Could he have prevented Rob his suicide if he had confessed to him? Told Rob about his feelings, maybe things would have been different. Maybe Rob would still have been here. ye sure they would be in a big mess, both in relationships, but they would have managed and they would have had each other.

Rob his funeral was all over the news, but also this was a blur for Jesse, Jesse felt like he was outside of his own body looking down on himself. He was on autopilot. He speeched at Rob his funeral telling about how passionate Rob was about his work, how great of a politician he was, and what for great friend Rob had always been, Jesse was numb during his whole speech but broke down when he looked at his left, at the coffin that held Rob. He looked so beautiful, he looked at peace, peace what he wanted, something he couldnt get when he was still alive. Guild yet again taking over him, what could he have done to save Rob.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and things slowly turned back to normal, but the ghost of Rob was still lingering everywhere Jesse went. In the parliament, his empty seat that would be kept empty till the next elections, their spots they would go to for lunch, nothing was the same anymore, and Jesse wasnt handling the loss well, shortly after the funeral Jesse came clean to Jolein about his feelings for Rob and they decided it was the best for them to take a divorce, Jesse just knew he couldnt simply move further with Jolein.

He ended up moving into the same apartment complex has Rob used to live in. was this the best decision ever? Probably not, but Jesse wanted to be as close to Rob as he could be. He would visit his grave every single day after work, bringing new flowers, he would stay there for hours, just talking to Rob, about politics, about life, how much regret he was feeling. And Jesse really believed that there at Rob his grave that he could feel Rob his presence as if Rob was sitting there beside him listening.

Jesse was slowly slipping away and spiraling. It started slowly by not eating breakfast or lunch, then came the sleepless nights, some nights were so bad that he ended up at Rob his grave simply sitting there till it was time for work. Jesse became closed off, didnt say much more than he needed, showing up to debates but he wasnt as sharp anymore, he wasnt at the interruption mic as offend as he used to be, he would zone out while staring at Rob his empty seat.

He picked up smoking, a habit Rob had, Jesse was never that fond of it, but ended up smoking himself, the irony really. Jesse had turned to alcohol to numb the heartache, to drown out the guilt he still was dealing with. But the alcohol wasnt enough and he knew he couldnt become addicted to it. so one night consumed by the guild, the pain he found himself in his bathroom, staring in the mirror with a razor in his hand. Was he really turning to this? Was this how Rob had felt, so out of control of his life, in so much pain that he had turned to cutting to gain back the control? To down out the internal pain by inflicting external pain on himself? Jesse would never know, but he quickly found out that it indeed numbed the internal pain the minute the blade sank into his skin, how at ease his mind felt when he dragged the blade over his wrist. It felt as if he was high on painkillers, but without the actual consumption of painkillers.

What started off once or twice every few weeks turned into a daily routine for Jesse, he would come home to his apartment, he would smoke a cigarette to relax, he might have dinner, might not, he would get to his bathroom get the razor blade from behind the towels and would drag in across his arm, thigh, stomach, sometime he would re-open an old cut, sometimes he would create a new one. Some days it would only be one cut, other days it would be more.

And thats how we got here, parallel to Rob Jesse was sitting on his kitchen table an exact half year after Rob his suicide, writing his own note, to his dad, and one to who might find him. Jesse could not live a day longer with the heartache, with the guild, it was enough, he had enough, he was ready to reunite with Rob, wherever that would be. Rob would probably be disappointed in him, that he couldnt get himself together, that he could do what Rob had asked, fight for the causes both men were passionate about, he couldnt make it till the elections to beat Mark, Sigrid would have to do that for the both of them. Jesse knew she would be capable of it.

When the letters were done Jesse has sent one last text to Sigrid Kaag telling his goodbye and asking her to win the next elections for him and for Rob, he went into his bathroom for one last time, getting the razor blade, he took it with him to the living room, he sat down on the floor, dressed in one of Rob his sweaters he had once left at Jesse his place. Jesse was ready to finally be freed from the pain and be reunited once more with his lover who never actually was his lover.

He pushed his sleeves up and pushed the razor into the artery and dragged it across his wrist, switching the blade to his other hand already started to get dizzy while he pushed the razor one last time into his wrist opening his other artery. He closed his eyes letting the pain come over him one last time before he lost consciousness,

Jesse woke up in his own house, looking at his own dead body, he saw Sigrid and Sylvana storming into his house, both women dropping down next to him, checking his pulls, but it was in vain he was already gone, both women breaking down, loosing yet another colleague to suicide. Jesse looked at them feeling the slightest bit of guilt, but he knew he couldnt live another day.

That is when Jesse felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around, and there he stood Rob, he looked as good as ever. Jesse immediately pulled him into the biggest hug ever breaking down, finally being able to see him again, feel him again, hear him again after half a year. Rob held him tightly. "I am so sorry Rob, I couldnt do it, I couldnt do what you asked, I couldnt make it to the elections and beat Mark for you" Jesse spoke. *I know Klaaf, I know, please dont feel guilty, I know how much you have struggled and I am sorry for putting you through it, but it's in the past now, we are here, together" Rob spoke right before pulling Jesse into a kiss.

hey, besties,

so I couldn't leave this story just yet so I wrote a following up chapter. because well for some reason I felt shitty tonight and needed to write it off and was in need of a good cry.

to whom had sent me messages asking if I was okay if I needed to talk or generally concerned messages, trust me I am fine, I haven't felt this good with my mental health in a while, it's just that I do tend to write angst really well.

well, I hope you enjoyed the somewhat happy ending. let me know what you tough of it in the comments and don't forget to vote.

lots of love,

your local Rob Jetten Simp