My Notes App

i love you.

28.06.2021

Evienne Hurst; i hurt you. i did what i swore i wouldn't. i said i wouldn't do it and i still did. i was jelous of you and luther. but it's not over luther. luther doesn't matter. it's you. i didn't think it was. i was trying to kid myself. thought maybe my trauma was making think platonic was romantic. but no. it's not. i really love you. not just love you. but in love. like i wake up and check for you name. i get sad when you dont reply to me. i smile when you text me and my heart skips a beat when you call. i love spending time with you. every minutes slips away into seconds before realising it's curfew or that i have work. you're my yellow. your one of the only reasons why i'm still alive. but i got scared of my own feelings and hurt you in the process. i was pushing you away and i didn't mean to. it just rips my heart into tiny little pieces everytime i near abt all the stuff that happens between you and all your ex's and the boys you've liked. you're one of the reasons i realised i was gay. you've been by my side through more than you even realise. and i can't tell you this because you'll hate me even more. or you'll just think i'm saying. but i'm not. i am generally in love with you. like fully. and now i no longer even have you as a friend; well... now what. i'm sorry i hurt you. stupidly sorry. words can't describe the immense guilt course through every fibre of my being. i didn't meant to hurt you i just got upset jelous and overwhelmed. i've over reacted and i'm sorry i didn't mean to. but arles now this won't hurt you. this won't matter anymore. you'll be happier this way. you won't have to hear about my eating disorder any more. you'll be free from hearing about my jobs and how they make my life shit. you'll be free from hearing about me ranting abt people i love dearly because i trust you. you'll be free of the late night phone calls as i'm walking home. you'll be free from my bad influence on you. if it wasn't for me you would've probably never got that stick n poke. you wouldn't have met luther. so i wouldn't have pushed you away. i love you so much and i hope you're happier without me. genuinely. i hope the flower smell sweeter; though take you gay fever tablets before you smell any because i don't want you getting sick. i hope the colour in the world are just that tiny bit brighter.