Finding My Happiness

Not yet

November 3 2015

"Ewww what's wrong with her face?"
"Oh my god... What is she wearing?"

"That Emo girl should just kill herself."
"You didn't cut deep enough"

"Attention seeker!"

I remember those words. I heard them often because they were the words that got me here in the first place. And they just kept coming.

I was me.
I hadn't moved one bit until now, and my legs moved faster than before as I felt a strong urge in the pit of my body. It was me moving my body this time as I opened my jewelry box and grabbed a small box which contained my blades. I felt my body shake in sobs. The mere thought of being me was horrible and made me cringe, weaken at the knees. I was a complete failure at everything.

I wasn't smart anymore, my grades decreased more and more every day. My body just couldn't function or think properly. I surely wasn't pretty, being the fat disgusting pig i was. My athletic ability sure wasn't outstanding either. I couldn't do anything and it was embarrassing. My life was surrounded by other lives that were gorgeous or healthy, rich or intelligent.

I remember walking very quickly to the bathroom, opening the small box in the process. The door was locked behind me as soon as I could get it shut and I fell to the floor, blade in hand. The clean skin on my body was decreasing quickly and it was becoming more difficult to find an open area.

The piece of metal found its way to my thigh as I pressed the blade against my cold skin, my veins pulsing. I felt the metal break skin and i dragged it along my thigh, tearing it open. Over and over again my hand worked as my eyes watched the blood instantly collect and fall down my leg. I felt the physical pain overwhelm my brain, my emotional pain vanishing without a doubt.

I reached a point where I knew I should stop, but I didn't. I continued leaving long Crimson lines dripping all the way down to my ankles. When my right leg no longer had any space, i proceeded to switch my legs. "You are so fucking disgusting, Violet. I hate you, I hate you so much. Why did I have to be you. I want to die. I want to kill myself. I am a disgusting pig and I hate every fiber of my being." The words falling from my lips hurt more than every cut on my body combined.

I hated myself and I didn't want to breathe. My arm only slashed harder, my left leg tearing open. It felt so good and I wanted to do more but i was already feeling dizzy. I couldn't kill myself yet.

Not yet.

Soon, everything began to get fuzzy and i dropped the blade, the small clanging sound amplified in my brain. My sight began to dim and I fell myself fall.

Then everything was pitch black.