In My Mind..

So!

I think I m depressing a long long time now.

I.. I hide my pain behind food, laugher and keep saying that I m okay. But am I ?

Sometimes I 'm not sure of that.

I m not saying that my life is difficult or anything like that. I have a loving family, but sometimes I feel alone, like a child in the dark forest who has to face his demons in loneliness.

I m in pain and I m not asking for help 'cause I m not sure it's going to help me but mostly I m thinking about the money. I prefer to keep them for my own needs instead of giving them somewhere. But then you 'll enter the room saying that it will help me, you might be right but there's always a but.

More like excuse, I had learnt about them! Aren't they pretty? Find excuses to almost everything you are not sure if you 'll get hurt or not?

I keep questioning myself right now:

Dude, why in English? I kinda feel this way, that my pain won't be discovered under this language but words are words we give them meaning and life..

Let's congratulate our ancestors for finding us ways to let our feelings speak to a bunch of strangers who might feel the same or have been through a similar situation.

Not judging guys, I m just finding another excuse right now 'cause I am thinking my memories of my deeds or act and I m not feeling ready to speak up.

Well revealing a part of yourself can always be scary. I m appearing to my friends as a person who doesn't feel anything. I have my breakdowns but none of them in front of people. Always alone, in my room or in my world while built as safe space.

I guess night is my safe space, sea, countryside and pretty much everything feels like home with neutral energy and no people around!

Imagine being in your safe place and your mom sibling get into that, it never gonna feel safe as long as they are around. Gosh I was just thinking I m good with small talk in English but not good enough with big words like entrepreneur blah blah. Don't take the word for it take the meaning. I can't speak like a politician on that with big extreme words who no one knows what they mean..

Anyway, pain .. what is that huh? I m keep listening LARG - Elgit Doda and I have no idea what he's talking about but it has something nostalgic in it. Like melancholy, hope in it. Something might have happened, did he found his love or lost? Not sure..

Finished rolling my cigarette and I m gonna reveal only that.

I lost my meaning in writing when my flower has been announced dead. You ll say it's just a flower but it's always a metaphor. I grew up since then.. A LOT..

I am young but I feel already like a grown-up with issues. All I can think is that. I have to remind myself that I m still young and feel young but I am able to do that?

I love that laugher and jokes makes us look we re not in pain but we are! We fuckin' are.

Oh my god that's a hell of an essay. 588 at the moment and change!! Hehe

I kinda find a meaning in what I m doing right now, exposing myself once again in different language..

Means lot be able to write. I m not sure I can yet to give you how I feel and how the words feel but I am looking forward to make that happen one day.

That's all from me now.

P.S I mentioned before that I don't have a difficult life. It came with issues yes, but not difficult if I would compare my issues with 10 other people mine would be meaningless, yet everybody experiencing it always different!

P.S.2. 07/08/2021 Goshh looks like a child's essay for school .. anyway

~ The End ~

Sorry if I have mistake on Grammar, is my weak spot!

Thank you for reading!!

Justin Batsios

Ιουστίνος Μπάτσιος

661 words

28/06/2021