The Condition of Cynthia Rose

A Wonderful Union Indeed

Chapter 1 - A Wonderful Union Indeed.

1900

I stood in my bedroom window and looked out at my mother's rose garden. I saw it many times before and I suppose that day, I wasn't really looking at it. I touched the temple of my head and winced as the pain shot through. I needed to be at my best because the man I was engaged to was waiting for me. Headaches were never something that bothered me before but for the past several weeks they were becoming more frequent. I didn't want to have the evening spoiled by a headache because spending hours with Williams was painful enough. I dared never to tell him that his future wife was having headaches and other unpleasant symptoms for some time and that things were getting worse because she was with child, someone else's child. And he would think it odd if I happened to hold my head in my hand throughout the evening. He would say,

"My Cynthia, is there something wrong?"

And I would respond by saying, "No, no I'm alright," knowing that I wasn't. And I would continue to try to seem like I was enjoying our time together.

I rubbed a few drops of lavender oil into my temples hoping it would disappear and stepped away from my window. I sat in front of my vanity mirror. A fragile girl gazed back at me. I looked like a frightened fawn. My skin was a fair yellow-brown, almost beige, taupe eyes, and curly hair that was brown at the roots but the further away it got from my scalp it turned golden. I always wished that I had just a little more of it. It sat puffed out around my head with a small bun at the top, a few stray ringlets framed my square face. I had too much forehead and a pert nose. I thought that my chin was rather large compared to the rest of my face, making it look like everything above it was slightly squeezed on. I never really thought I was pretty but everyone else seemed to think I was quite beautiful.

Knowing my company was waiting, I reached into my jewelry box and pulled out the emerald necklace he gave me and fastened it around my neck. I watched it hang just above my breasts. Then I tucked it beneath my shirtwaist, under the collar so it couldn't be seen. A pair of pearl earrings came next. I pressed them onto my ear lobe and watched them dangle. Pearls were such a womanly thing to wear, but I felt far from a woman. Though I would be married in a weeks' time, I still felt very much like a child.

I held my left hand up to the light that came through the window and looked at my ring. It was lovely, but I no longer liked looking at it on my finger. I took it off for a moment to put some lotion on my hands, then slipped it back on. I stood from my vanity and looked at myself in the large mirror. I wore a white shirtwaist that had a simple embroidered pattern around the collar, an olive green linen skirt that was a half inch away from touching the floor and a brown cloth belt. While I stood there, I slowly reached down to feel my stomach. In my mind, it was much larger than it really was and I felt as though everyone could see that I was pregnant. I rubbed my stomach in circles, feeling only the fabric of my corset underneath. I knew that somewhere under my corset and chemise there was a little thing inside of me. . .and I would have to be a mother to it. How I dreaded the day that I would have to tell Williams! I reached for my purse and hat. I was now ready for an evening with my husband to be. I left my room and headed for the stairs.

Williams was talking with my parents at the bottom of the stairs near the front door. The three of them looked silly just standing there, all being different heights. Williams towered over my plump father. My father had a softness about him, kind and warm. He wasn't outspoken in any way but was a man who said only what needed to be said and sometimes not even that. And my mother was much shorter than he, but her strong and sometimes overbearing personality made up for what she lacked in height. She too, had my same facial structure but wore it much more proudly than I and had the same curly hair, though hers had less golden throughout.

When they saw me at the top, they all smiled. I descended delicately, being careful not to trip on my long skirt.

"Ah! There's my beautiful daughter," my father said.

He reached for my hand once I got to the last step and put it in Williams' hand. Williams couldn't stop smiling at me, which made me uncomfortable. And my mother was making quiet sobbing sounds as she dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief. I forced a smile and looked away from all of them, down to the floor instead.

"This is going to be a wonderful union, indeed!" my father said with joy.

My father opened the door and told us to enjoy our last night together before we had engaged in the Danbury wedding tradition--being separated for a week until our wedding day. Oh but how I wished to be separated from him long after that.