Painting Annalise

13.The application of I'm fine

I've decided to leave this line for comments on the motivational pictures <3

Growing up, a lot of us tend to live for others. We let them decide what we wear and what is appropriate for us to say. Suddenly what started as a friendship turns into a master and slave relationship. Secrets hold power, and that's why the master will always maintain the status because the slave has something they're not willing to lose.

Apart from being caught in the act, secrets are found through a bitch known as trust.

We open our mouths and pour out our deepest secrets to someone we trust and hope they keep it, then they do the same and so does the receiver till you get to school figuring out your tiny little secret is now the topic of discussion.

Unknowingly we sacrifice our freedom to make friends and when we discover this, it's too late because we don't know who we are anymore.

In my school, there isn't really a Regina George. I mean there were friendships where you could tell one was the minion but there were others where they fit like a glove.

Lori and I became friends when I realized I didn't want to be the back row friend or the friend who just followed and never suggested. That's what watching from the back of the classroom taught me.

Somehow Lori had forced herself into my plain life and tried several times to color it but she still never gives up, no matter how many times I try to push her away.

She has this black hair with blue highlights I admired because I would never dye my hair, my low self-esteem would kill me even if every fucking person said it looked nice.

Her eyes are hazel, and she always has this bubbly energy around her even when you could tell she was dying on the inside.

After she had approached me the first time and I cursed her away, she sat next to me and asked me questions I didn't answer.

The next day was the same, and by the third day she was basically talking to herself because I never said a thing but I took all she said in.

Her mum raised her since she was a kid, so she never knew her dad. It wasn't like it bothered her, I mean she didn't notice the difference till kids would show up with male and female adults and that's when she realized she didn't have it all. Her story was kind of similar to Jacob's, I think that's what made her bring him to the group. Except for the fact, he knew his dad, he just refused to acknowledge him because of his abusive ways. Casper and Jacob were like a package; friends since their old town. 

None of my friends really knew my dad, I had grown up with him and even I didn't know him that well but that didn't shorten the love I had for him.

That was my excuse for not telling them about his death.

Sometimes I wished I had someone to speak to who understood me, but no one did and I know no one ever will.

So instead I lay under my heavy blanket and cry for reasons unknown, but once my brain decides to process the tears even the used tissue papers around me couldn't stop them.

I hated the feeling so much.

All my life I had been a cry baby, except when I was actually born.

But the thing is, people don't judge you based on what they don't see. So, everyone sees me as a rude girl. The one who never gets affected by the rumors around her. When in reality, every word that has been spat at me goes straight to my heart where it's locked till I get in private and the waterworks begin.

I had been crawled up in this position for as long as I couldn't remember, beads of sweat on my forehead and the heat I felt made my whole body itch but I stayed there regardless.

My laptop was playing a coming of age series that my brain couldn't comprehend anymore.

At this point I wanted nothing more than to just end this fucking pain, to take it all away with just one decision because the pills didn't make me feel better.

"Hey honey, are you ok?" my mum's voice comes from the door, it was the second time she was asking, the first was when she was going to church in the morning and now.

"I'm fine" I yell so she could hear me and believe me and not come in.

After all, that's what everyone wants when they all ask how are you? majority wait for the I am fine because if anything other than that comes out it means discussion and I was already more than enough burden to force anyone to sit and listen to me talk.

She walks away satisfied with my reply or maybe tired I don't know, what matters is that, she left me alone.

For some reasons unknown, right now I actually don't want to be alone but I don't know how to say it.

Not bothering to pause the show, I manage to drag myself to the bathroom pausing it wouldn't matter because I didn't understand a thing right now.

My eyes shut quickly at the brightness of the bathroom. Opening them gently, I try to adjust to the light, and when they do I hold onto the sink because I feel like the floor is pulling me.

Grabbing a sanitary towel, I change my already full one.

One thing I learned about being silent among girls was that everything was a competition for them.

It was always who had the better hair, the nicer eye color, the better body shape even who had the cutest boyfriend.

They had built standards without considering the fact that other people may not fit in. An example will be having your period. Many girls in school had competed to start their period, some even went as far as lying when they hadn't bled anywhere but their finger or maybe knee.

Middle school came and the competition wasn't about who started first it was about what you used. Some would purposely bring their tampons to the girl's bathroom as if it was something to be shown off.

Tampons scared me, after reading enough stories on it getting stuck and toxic shock syndrome. I stuck to sanitary towels even though sometimes it feels uncomfortable, it was just going to have to be that way.

The cramps hurt like a bitch and none of the pills I took were helping me, so I settle for laying under my blanket and crying because of the intense cramps.

When I crawl back onto my bed, the stupid show is still playing. Slowly but eventually my eyes close and I don't bother giving them a reason to open because if my body felt tired it wasn't a usual thing for it to shut down no matter how hard I tried.

Hours go by and I don't know if I'm still alive anymore, I mean I feel bliss but too much bliss. I try to sit up but I feel like something heavy is sitting on me.

My bedside clock that once said Sunday now says Monday, and I don't know if I slept a whole day or if I actually lived it. All I know is that I need to get up but somehow it appears to be the hardest task in the world,

Aaron bangs on the door for me to get ready for school and as much as I want to yell for him to go away I can't because my head feels so fucking heavy.

"uh ... Annalise are you okay?" I hear the concern in his voice as he knocks again 

Don't hate me for the ending,
xoxo your favourite author.

This update is for how well the other chapter did 💕