I'm sorry (Heya oneshot)

Dear Heather

Dear Heather, 

Wow time went by so fast. It feels like yesterday was the day that we met. I still remember the way I felt when I first looked into those beautiful ocean blue eyes of yours. The eyes I got lost in so many times. The loving eyes that smile along everytime you laugh. Your beautiful laugh. A smile so pure, so innocent. Your optimism. Something that could make the bad days good ones. You taught me to always see the best in people. You taught me not to judge people on a first impression. I know you were right because if you had judged me on a first impression, you wouldn't have bothered to even start a conversation. You always did that. You kept reminding me to see the positive sides. I hated that sometimes. I hated that you would never lose your temper. I hated it because I couldn't hold myself together in a fight. I would always start yelling at you. You didn't even bother to raise your voice. You knew that yelling wouldn't solve anything. I didn't get it back then, but I do now. Do you remember our first kiss? The one in your trailer. I remember it so clearly. We were sitting on your bed, watching tv. It was late and we should've been asleep because we were shoothing early the following morning. You never needed sleep for a good mood though. We were watching that show you love so much. What's it called again? Gossip girl. Yes that's it. We were totally cuddled up. We were talking and laughing when suddenly we just stopped. You looked me in the eyes and leaned in slowly. I was terrified. I was about to kiss my best friend which was so wrong but it felt so right. The touch of your lips on mine was like magic. It was the most perfect moment. I remember how I felt your tongue move with mine. I remember your hands cupping my face. Everything I could think about in that moment was you, you and you. The rest of the world didn't exist. Just you and me. Do you remember how we woke up that morning? You holding me close to you. Your arms wrapped around me like you were afraid someone would take me away from you. The weird thing is that things were never awkward between us. We weren't afraid of each others touch. Then there was the hand holding. It was like our hands were meant to hold each other. Like your hands were meant to cup my face everytime we shared a kiss. Like we were meant to hold pinkies. All of those things. I loved the small stuff the most. The small romantic moments when we got to be together. When you kissed me when I was in the middle of a sentence because you just had to. Do you remember the moment where we heard that we had become regulars on the show? After a few minutes of disbelief you dragged me with you inside your trailer and we started making out. We weren't officially a couple back then but we both knew that you were mine and I was yours. I remember the celebration dinner we had that evening. You invited the entire cast. Everyone came. I remember Cory and Lea who anounced that they were a couple, even though everyone already knew that. I remember the meaningful look you gave me. I know you were ready to jump out of the closet and to tell everyone that we were together. I wasn't. I just couldn't and I'm sorry. You had so much patience with me and I just kept you waiting. I am so sorry Heather. Then there was season two. Ryan who asked if we were okay with portraying lesbians. You didn't even hesitate for a second. I wasn't sure if I wanted to do that. But it did give me an opportunity to come out. Of course I didn't go for it. I'm a coward. Our bed scene was perfect though. I got to kiss you in front of everybody and no one even suspected anything. I was so nervous for the reactions of the fans. What if they didn't like it? I was scared. Luckily they did like it. We immediatly got a shipname. Even though we prefered Santittany, we got the name Brittana. Do you remember when we got official? It was a few days after filming 'Sexy'. You came to my trailer with a bunch of roses. You went down on one knee and asked if I wanted to be your girlfriend. I remember not having to even say yes. The look in my eyes said enough. The night we spend after that was so perfect. We didn't just have sex. We made love. I had never felt that way about someone. I finally understood what being in love feels like. The feeling of not ever wanting to let you go. I got to sing songbird to you during the Fleetwood Mac episode and I remember meaning every word of it. I remember wanting to kiss you right there. During the last episodes of season two, we started hanging out even more and we got a real life shipname. Heya. A perfect name if you ask me. I know I didn't think that back then. I remember hearing about the name and crying for hours. I thought people had found out about us. You didn't mind. If it was up to you, we would've told everyone the next day. You comforted me during the crying. You said you understood. I understand now how much this must've hurt you. It must've felt like I was ashamed of you. And don't get me wrong, I was ashamed. But not of you. You were the one thing I was sure about. Time went by fast and things happened. Do you remember the summer we spent together after filming season two? We went to Greece. A place where no one would bother us. A place where we could lay on the beach and not being recognized. The absolutely perfect hotel room where we had so much 'fun'. I remember that vacation all too well. The way I felt. The chemistry between us. Everything. Back then I would've never thought we would have a last kiss. I never thought we would end like this. Then the summer ended and we needed to get back to work. Season three where I officially came out on the show. We sang I kissed a girl with Vanessa, Lea, Amber, Dianna and Jenna. It was so much fun. We got so many on screen kisses and they were all perfect. I think season three was the most perfect season. We were doing great together. We saw each other mostly on set and during the weekends. Then season three ended and things started to become different. We had a great summer but when we got back to work, things changed. My character graduated and moved to New York. We didn't have scenes together anymore. We even broke up on the show. I got to sing 'mine' and Heather I meant every word. You are the best thing that's ever been mine. I cried when I got home because I knew somewhere deep down inside that not only our characters would break up. It started to become winter and it's when the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind. I started avoiding you for no reason. I started being afraid of your touch. Why? I honestly don't know. I felt terrible. I still do. I still feel terrible because you gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye. I remember the tears streaming down your face when I broke up with you. I remember you yelling at me for the first time. I remember the hurt inside of my chest. I never gave you a good reason why I broke up with you because I don't have one. I broke up with you because I was scared. I started panicking. I broke up with you because it's easier to walk away than to fight for what you love. I remember the roses you gave me before I said the words that would change us forever. You gave me beautiful roses and I left them there to die. We stopped hanging out at first and eventually we even stopped talking. I lost my best friend and the love of my life all at once. I'll never forget the hurt in your eyes. I saw how dissapointed you were. I had let you down. You waited for me and I just dumped you. I'm sorry. Then we started filming season five. I got a new girlfriend on the show and officially stopped talking to you. Everytime I kissed Demi, I saw you in front of me. I know it was just a stage kiss but it felt wrong to kiss someone else. It was a few days after filming the first episode of season five when I heard about your new boyfriend. Taylor. It hurt so much but I knew that it was my own fault. I broke up with you. I broke your heart so you had every right to break mine. Then the 100th episode arrived and I remember the awkwardness at first. We hadn't spoken to each other for months. That kiss meant so much more to me than you know Hemo. It was scripted that I had to pull away but I didn't want to. I wanted to make out with you. I wanted to feel your hands cupping my face like old times. I know that kiss meant something to you too. Not that it matters. I could see in your eyes that he makes you happy. You say his name the way you used to say mine. You had that smile plastered on your face. The smile that was meant for me a long time ago. Back when everything was still perfect. Heather you have to know that if I could go back in time and change my mind, I would. I would've come out after our first kiss. But It's too late. Because now you are getting married. Married to someone you love. Married to someone who gives something that I couldn't. Something that you deserve. Commitment. He can give you everything that you want and you deserve. He better treat you right. He better be the best damn husband in the entire world. I hope he buys you flowers , I hope he holds your hand, Give you all his hours , When he has the chance, Take you to every party 'Cause I remember how much you love to dance, Do all the things I should have done, When I was your girl.

Look Hemo I don't know what will happen to us in the next season. I don't know if our characters will find a way back to each other. I just hope that someday we will. Not especially as lovers but as friends. I miss you so much. One more time, I am sorry.

Love,

Naya