Spotlight on the Mirror

Chapter Nineteen

Holliday constantly tossed and turned in the bed. It was Thursday night and the tour started on Saturday. There were so many thoughts running through her mind that it almost seemed like she was hearing voices. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't shut off her brain. She had once again failed and once again had no plans. She was a failure in every sense of the word. Holliday couldn't save anyone because she couldn't even save herself. She had ran out of time because in the morning, she was supposed to be boarding a plane for the tour. Many times during the night, Holliday felt as if she would lose her mind but she didn't possess the energy to do so. She had no more fight left in her and was officially ready to give up.

Natasha's bedroom was becoming a prison. Holliday couldn't breath and the once huge area of space now felt like it was closing in on her. She had to open the bedroom balcony doors just so she wouldn't suffer a panic attack. She took a few pills and waited for her vision to become blurry. Holliday looked in the mirror and saw a distraught Natasha. They were both trapped with only one way of escape. Holliday decided to lay her last available cards on the table one more time.

The more she thought about Natasha's plan, the more it made sense. After years of emotional, verbal, physical, and sexual abuse, Natasha had planned the perfect escape. At first, Holliday thought the plan was ludicrous but now it seemed reasonable. With Wanda's blackmail and the realization that she could be stuck as Natasha for life, made it real that she could be the one in rehab. But worse, if she defied Wanda and the switchback occurred then Natasha's life and dancing career would be over. If Holliday obeyed Wanda then she would be stuck on tour for almost two years with a group of dancers that thought Natasha fucked for her career and didn't deserve to be there. Natasha was shamed before the tour had even officially started and the rumors were bound to be leaked to the public. Regardless of the truth, the media would run the story. Natasha would be blackballed in the dance world for life. And if Holliday was stuck as Natasha then it was possible that she would never dance again and be forced to live as a disgraced dancer.

No one ever wanted to be known as a disgraced dancer especially if dance was the career goal. Most times, the disgraced dancer's name would be stripped from all awards and affiliations. Also, any company that gave the dancer any recognition would issue an retraction. Being a injured dancer like Ms. Dee or a quitter like Madison was bad enough but being blackballed was the ultimate downfall. There was no comeback for a disgraced dancer no matter the talent or resume.

Exposing the picture would also expose Natasha and she couldn't do that. Natasha had already been through so much abuse in her life that Holliday couldn't be another person to use her. Knowing Wanda, the blackmail would probably never end.

Since Holliday couldn't find the secret for the switchback, she was stuck as Natasha while her own body grew old without her. She would never hug her dad or Madison again. She would never touch her grandma's tombstone, with her own fingers, or get to properly say goodbye. The overwhelming feeling of grief consumed her and she felt paralyzed by the pain. Not a tear was shed but she was crying. The agony of not appreciating what she had and now what she had lost was killing her.

Holliday was backed into a corner but she had no desire to board that plane. She could never muster up enough courage for the tragedies that lied ahead. She had already used up all her power on Wanda and was now drained. She didn't have the emotional stamina to fight for Natasha's right. She was too weak and tired. Holliday went over her limited options again and still couldn't find a solution. By then, she was drinking from a bottle of expensive Brandy that she had stolen from Wanda's stash. The brown liquor burned her lips and mouth but added warmth to her throat and chest. She coughed often but continued to drink.

She needed the liquid courage.

Holliday didn't want to feel as if she was having a pity party but she did feel defeated. It seemed that her whole entire life was faced with obstacles and not the same amount as other people. It was like she couldn't get a break from the negative shit that was constantly occurring to her. She kept asking herself what had she done so bad to deserve this treatment that the universe gave to her. She might have been ungrateful and selfish but did she really deserve her current situation. Holliday continued to drink and ponder. The more she thought about it, the more she knew what she had to do. Her fate was now Natasha's fate. They were one and they would escape together. Holliday would honor Natasha's last wish and prayed that it would appease her.

****

Holliday could see that the sun was starting to peak beyond the clouds. It was such a beautiful morning and as much as she wanted to cry, she couldn't. Her depression was beyond the superficial aspect as tears. She hadn't slept a wink but she had completely finished the bottle of Brandy. Her mind felt checked out but she was still committed to the plan. She slowly walked to the closet to hide Natasha's diary along with the incriminating picture. Holliday wanted to burn it all to protect Natasha but it wasn't her place to destroy Natasha's property. Instead, she smoked a blunt on Natasha's balcony that faced the community shared golf course. Within the last few months, Holliday had experienced fine luxury in ways that she would have never imagined. She lived her dance dreams through Natasha but it came with a heavy price. She had to accept her reality and stand in her truth.

The weed calmed her nerves and for a few seconds, it felt like she had no problems. She fully enjoyed the moment of peace before someone loudly knocked on the bedroom door. Holliday instantly grabbed the Brandy and threw it at the door causing the bottle to break. She also screamed at the unknown person to leave her alone. Looking at the wall clock, it was 5:32am and it was probably Wanda reminding her of their flight in a few hours. Knowing it was only a matter of seconds before Wanda barged in to give her the only two options left, Holliday climbed the railing.

Due to her being heavily under the influence, she was slightly unbalanced but maintained her gait. Blocking everything else out, she closed her eyes and allowed the wind to caress her face. She was loving the feeling of her hair tickling her neck and how her loose fitting T-shirt was slightly rubbing against her skin. Holliday took one final last breath before looking directly into the sun beams in the sky. It was as if she could feel comfort and support from within like someone was touching her right shoulder and her chest above her heart. Holliday then quietly whispered to herself, "I'm sorry grandma but this one is for you, Natasha" with that, she stepped off the balcony railing.