Just me things

Untitled Part 1

 This is very disorganized and random with loads of unnecessary info because I wanted to just write what was in my head without having to shape and change my actual thoughts into like, something professional, orderly and neat. I guess I'll try a little, to nothing would make sense lol (if it even does right now)  Why I'm sharing it, Idk. Something to do? I'm not really exposing myself because no one knows who I am on here, so I feel ok about it. This is just my first chapter, I plan on pulling as much as I can out of my head to see if it just, helps clear my brain, and I type better when I think I'm talking to someone. Opposite to when I'm actually talking to someone. So this is just random events that aren't too big, add my thoughts on them and just stuff have fun hope it's not super boring and if it is, tell me and I'll delete it ok? 

Alright, the first thing for me to barf out of my head.

 One dude I work with talks to me a lot (I honestly have no idea why especially when he also talks with everyone else and should have gotten bored of talking to me ages ago because I usually zone out to focus on my work without responding to him. Maybe that's why, because I let him talk for as long as he wants). One time he asked me why I was so quiet. To me, on the inside, I'm having 999999999999 ideas and thoughts and imaginary conversations per second, and around people I'm familiar with, I am literally super chatty and can almost never shut up, so it doesn't seem very quiet to me, but Ig on the outside with strangers, I look like I'm staring at a McChicken like it was the answer to how far space goes until it stops existing or if it even stops existing, which might look like I'm quiet or smthn. I just said "Idk, I'm working?" which seemed like a reasonable excuse to not talk to me, and then he just disappeared into whatever portal he pops out of to talk to me like ok bye spider man. Literally every day when I clock in he pops up but like, OUT OF NOWHERE and says "Hi Best Freind. How are you?" and yeah, that's polite with a side of slightly awkward weirdness, but what am I even supposed to say to that? "I'm good"? Am I good? I'm not bad, but I'm not like, feeling particularly FaNtAsTiC bAbY, but saying Ok, sounds like I'm depressed or uninterested in his existence or the fact that he decided to acknowledge me today or with what he has to say with life, and saying "I'm fine how are you" is literally so plain I'd sound so boring and he'd think I'm boring along with being quiet. Silent and boring, two of the greatest qualities to have. So I ended up staring at him until I managed to announce "I'm sweeping the floor" which was obvious as I had a broom and dustpan (the dustpan was stupid, just wanted to say that), and knowing that was kind of random and stupid, I said "how are you" because that was probably a better option than anything else that might come out of my mouth. But he went on and said "What are you doing today" and I was like, standing there with a broom and dustpan and just was like "does he not know? what am I doing after I sweep front to back, presenting? Should I say that? Why does he want to know? Why is he asking all this WHY DOES HE ASK THIS EVERY DAY" But I was just like "I'm working. How about you?" and I don't even remember what he said after that because I think I walked away....? Idek. I have no idea why I have so much trouble answering things like "How are you" or "What are you doing today?" I don't know How I Am. Am I supposed to feel something when I'm not feeling one of the common emotions most people use? Do I actually say "I'm feeling curious, wistful, a little excited about future possibilities, sleepy and a bit mystified about how many raindrops hit the ground in the woods without anyone even seeing or knowing, and also whats going on in your life right now" like, that's just weird. Also, How am I supposed to know what I'm going to do that day?! I have plans But LITERALLY, ANYTHING  could happen and I can't be GUARANTEED that what I say is ACTUALLY going to happen. Something could change and I'd have to immediately rearrange all my plans to work out with the unexpected event and then I might not have time to tell the other person I'm not doing the one thing after all. They'd think I'm like, lying, and then they'd think I'm a lier. Once they think that even just once, they would never completely trust me ever, and like FOREVER. I'd never even have had the chance to give a good first impression. What was I talking about. The one dude. I was in presenting (handing food out the window in the rive thru) and wasn't paying attention to what he was saying because I was trying to find the order on the screen to hand out the window, so when there was a pause in orders and we cleared the screen he started talking again and he somehow got into talking about how many friends he had or something, I wasn't listening, and asked me how many I had. After realizing he'd stopped talking because he was waiting to hear my response, I was like "Um, I have like, four really close friends. My best friend is online too. I don't have a ton, mostly just the small group." And after  I said that I realized it was the most "me" thing I'd ever said to anyone at work, like that came right out naturally, talking about my friends. I didn't stutter or hesitate or spend 10 seconds that felt like 10 years trying to decide what the best response would be. I was thinking maybe I found a topic I could talk to people about without being totally lost. But the next words out of his mouth were "Wait, seriously? You only have like, three friends? Thats so lame dude and sad. You should have more friends. Having just like, two isn't good. You should talk more and then you'll get more friends, trust me." (It was something along those lines, I can't remember it word for word, but that's basically what he said, not exaggerating.) Like, bro, maybe I don't talk to people in fear that they'll be as narrow-minded as you. Maybe large groups of friends makes me feel exposed and unsafe. Maybe small numbers of people make me feel more like opening up. Maybe I just have more thoughts than you so I have less time to talk. I would have said something like that, explained why I'm like the way he thinks I am and how I'm not what he thinks I am, but there's something I do that I hate to the very core of my soul when I talk to anyone I'm not 100% familiar with. I don't speak my mind. I don't say what I should to make myself clear. I just- talk. I laugh and joke and just say "Sorry haha". And I honestly hate who I am when I'm like that. It's literally the most boring annoying person ever. I literally change involuntarily around different people. I'm not like, changing like, acting like someone else to make them like me better or something. My stupid annoying brain freezes and says something based on that other person. Hate it to death. I can't be me. It's like a portion of their being possessed me and controls how I act. When they leave or I leave, I feel like it just stripped away and now there's just a cold empty me left there thinking about something dumb I said four years ago to my former crush and also wondering why I liked him at all. But anyway, I'm pretty sure the dude thinks I'm like, the most boring person he's ever met. But he still talks to me like, every time I walk in. Actually, he calls me "Best friend" and I thought that was kind of weird because he called me that the first day he saw me and I'd talked to him for an average of 20 seconds in my entire life due to my incapability of holding a conversation with anyone. At first I thought he just randomly called me that because he forgot my name, which is understandable. I forget almost everything, so I wasn't really bothered, but the next day, I walked in and he said: "Hey Best Freind" and like, I was having too much trouble worrying about how to respond to think about the new name, but after I started working later on in assembly I was like "Wait, why did he call me that again? I have a stupid name tag on, unless he's illiterate, he should be calling me by my name." And I got a little worried because he might be making fun of me from when I said I only had a few close friends, but I also thought maybe he calls everyone that. After a while I was like "Ok, this is kind of awkward, I can't even say his name for some reason" So I was clocking out one time at the same time he was taking a break and he was like "Hey whats up best friend, you're leaving?" And as always, the other random thing took over while I mentally sat back and cringed. I basically said he can call me by my name like everyone else, and it's ok if he wants to be friends, just don't call me best friend" and he was like "You don't want me to call you that?" (Like, what did I just say kiddo) So literally the next day he was like "Heyo Best Friend, how are you?" And yeah. Did I mention he stares a lot. Like, I'm not even joking, sometimes he'd show up to work early and when I was already there working, and as normal he'd be like "Hi best friend" and at this point, I was just getting used to it, and made my robotic response, and after that he just stood there leaning on the (electrically heated) counter (you ok bro?) just watching me work which I found EXTREMELY unsettling. Like, this wasn't a creepy staring-from-across-the-room-on-the-other-side-of-the-building kind of staring. It was an awkwardly-staring-from-two-feet-away staring. And there are three things I hate most in life:
1) Hate
2) Me
3)spiders
4)Being watched while I eat
5) Being watched at all

I hate being watched. It just makes me feel like there's something that caught their attention that makes them look twice and also it isn't good. Like, they're watching me in the process of messing up or they don't like something I'm doing or the way I'm doing it and they're just watching me be an idiot and thinking about how stupid I am while I do it. In the break room one time (this was the first time I noticed him just staring and not even hiding it) He was just like"Are you doing school?" (I was studying Korean, on my own because I want to learn it) And I was like "Um, no this is just, um, Korean, I'm um. Learning it. Outside School. I'm homeschooled, so it doesn't really matter I guess-" and then he was like "Oh, you're HoMeScHoOlEd. You should be public schooled. It's way better." And I know, I should have stood up right there and been like "I doubt you've even been homeschooled once in your life, and you probably spent most of your public school hours being expelled or something, you can't actually say it's better when you've never even tasted it." And then Kicked him in the gut and threw him off a three-story building but um, no the weird thing that happens when I talk to people I'm not familiar with was still there and was just  "Oh, um , I'm going to be public schooled next year . . . " and he's just "Oh, good. Thats much better." (Like, I want to go back in time as an actual me and tie the annoying chain that hangs from his pocket around his wrists and throw him out the window of a three-story building. On the first floor though, I guess.) But like, after that, he just sat there and stared at me. Literally like, two feet away sitting on his stupid chair just staring, and I thought it was kind of annoying so I glared back for about a quarter of a nanosecond before totally losing it and slowly pulling my hat over my eyes and started to txt my (offline) friend to look like I was occupied. For a sec I totally forgot that it's impossible for me to make eye contact.
One time I was assigned to do assembly, like a few weeks ago actually, and while I was closing one bag he literally suddenly just existed behind me like "Hello best friend" and I almost punched him in the face but I'd probably get fire for that, so I was like, as usual, incapable of talking, so I'm just "Oh, hi" and get back to my work without saying anything else. And then I notice after a few minutes that he isn't talking his head to pieces like normal, or even taking orders on the headset, so I turned around to see what was up, and BOOM pretty sure this dudes never even blinked in his life, bc there he is staring with those brilliant magnificent beautiful eyes (that was sarcasm, by the way, it was just awkward) and like, idek how long I'd been working before I turned around but how on earth is someone able to stare for so long and just..... STARE. I was like "Um, dude, so um" I was trying to explain what I typed above about being watched while I work and it makes me feel self-conscious about what I'm doing, and I was going to politely ask him to gouge out his own eyes of he had to, (no I wasn't don't worry) but for some reason all that I managed to get out was "So um, if you could like, just not watch me all the time... I'm just like, It's like, I can't really- .......insecurities..." (idek where "insecurities" came from because it wasn't one of the words I wanted to use in the first place, it just came out) but apparently he got my point and was like "Oh, yeah ok" like, bro you sounded like "Oh, was it bothering you? I thought it was quite normal and sophisticated to casually set my eyes randomly upon one person the day I first saw them and to continue doing so every day for the rest of my life every time I see them for as long as possible. Did it make you uncomfortable?"  but anyway, as far as I've noticed he doesn't stare anymore, at least not that I've noticed. I wasn't going to tell the managers because it wasn't that major, he was just an awkward dude, and he'd probably get fire for it, and it was on my first few weeks of even working there and I wasn't going to be like, getting people fired left and right. The dude still calls me "Best Friend" and still talks to me and I continue to be someone I don't like around everyone who talks to me and that just about wraps up what I'm typing in this chapter. I know some if not like everyone is thinking like, "Aww cute she likes him" or "he likes her" so if you are... then...there's literally nothing I can do about that. Keep reading if you like, I don't "like" anyone, I'm just typing things that happen in my life the way they happen and my thought on them. Don't even make assumptions here because.... well, just don't. Assumptions are the cause of misunderstandings, and I get misunderstood almost every time I open my mouth due to not being able to communicate my thought out loud and HOLY MOLY my brother is using a LOT of perfume, I can smell it from here. He's not even going anywhere, it's like, 11:00pm as I'm writing this loll he's going to bed
Well, I'll end my thoughts here I guess. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Kinda makes me feel a little special.

If you want 

Heres a bit of info that I've gathered from this person and I haven't even been watching him:
1.) He ain't the best kid. 
2.) His dad(I think? I'm not even sure) also says we are friends a lot because he is friends with my older brother, and talks to me a lot so idk, maybe it's genetic or smthn.
3.) He likes to talk to and make friends with most of the girls. *eye roll* I caught this right away and thought it was hilarious because he's actually shorter than most of us loll but the girls all like having attention from guys even if they act annoyed and talk about how "annoying it is" behind their backs, they don't care who it is, so, win win I guess.
4.)He seems to mostly like talking if the other person engages in the conversation with him (so I'm not sure why he still constantly talks to me when most of my replies come from  the "not-myself" person that takes over.)
5.) He kinda flirts with most of the girls so I didn't think much of his constant talking to me and thought he would just give up after a bit. 
6.)He has an interesting history that makes me wonder if he's faking his personality
7.)Where in the fiery pits of Hades are his "lots of friends" hiding, or do I just have a very high standard of the definition of friends, because most of the "friends" he talks to seem to be just, like, random people he met two minutes ago (very very possible, come to think of it.)
8.) As far as I've noticed, he actually doesn't call everyone else "Best friend" so yeah, that's a question I have. He might tho, Idk I don't watch him every day to be able to say he doesn't. That would be interesting though, But that's a thought for another Chapter I guess. But I'm wondering, should I let him just be friends or assume he's just treating me like he does everyone else and I'm thinking too much. I'm just going to go on that but like- idk. I have to choose my friends carefully but I can't be picky right? I can make like, light friends, just people I talk with, there are a few at work who seem ok, but when I say friend, I mean like- Loll This is already pretty long. If you actually read all this all the way to here, I'm flattered. If you're reading to criticize or because you have nothing productive to do with your life (which is the same reason as criticizing lol) then whatever. You're choice I guess. If you want, you can leave me like, a comment on any of your thoughts about my thoughts or something random you did today. It'd be interesting. I hope that doesn't sound creepy, I'm just starting to get tired lol. Later I'll explode with a pile of colors for you to read and idk I hope its at least entertaining at any rate to read.