Butterflies (boyxboy)

Chapter 22: Frustrations

"Do you usually act on your impulses?" 

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Tamesh nervously looks at the time on his wall mounted clock. It was getting towards early evening and he wondered if Blake was actually going to return or not to carry on with the painting. 

Half of him hoped he wouldn't show. He wasn't ready to face what seeing Blake would mean for him. Confusion, most definitely denial, but also desire. Tamesh wanted to be under his own control when faced with the man, but Blake made his mind play tricks on him. He made him into something he thought he was not. Something he thought he shouldn't allow himself to be.

Another hour passes and Tamesh can hear a light tap on his shop door. He knows it's the model and takes a couple of breaths before heading through the shop to unlock the door to let him in. Tamesh doesn't speak as he opens the door and steps back to let Blake through, with the model silently slipping inside the dimly lit space, as if their meeting was a secret. 

It's not until they are both inside Tamesh's studio and the door is closed, that Blake decides to talk. "Just so you know Tam, I have no regrets. I don't regret telling you about Sonny, I don't regret what happened last night and I hope I don't regret coming back here today." He drops his bag on the floor and begins to remove his long black coat. He looks back at Tamesh who he expects will say at least something back...

"Ok" are the only two letters which actually part from Tamesh's lips. 

"Ok? Just Ok?" Blake furrows his brow, in frustration. He wasn't expecting much in the form of a response, but he was expecting more than just an ok! 

"Ok" Tamesh repeats, still not looking the model in the face. 

Blake rolls his eyes. "Fine...I'll go get ready." 

Tamesh hears the door slam, making him jump. He now looks up the spot where Blake had just been standing. He sighs heavily. Here he was again. Doing this again. Ignoring the elephant in the room!

It isn't long before Blake re-enters the creative space. Tamesh instantly notices the absence of the bathrobe as Blake swaggers his naked body towards the chair and sits down with a weighted thud. Was he deliberately doing this to get to Tamesh? Was this some kind of test? A test Tamesh was unsure if he was even going to pass....well he was going to at least try.

He glances across to Blake who was not remotely like the image in front of him. He was most definitely doing this on purpose. "If you think I'm coming over and moving you into the right position, think again! I've marked the chair and the floor with tape!" Tamesh's impatient tone shocks Blake a little.

He now spots the crisscross masking tape on the floor by his feet and on the arms of the chair. He reluctantly repositions himself to their correct position. Tamesh was proving to be more of a challenge than Blake had initially thought.

Tamesh begins to paint, with Blake resorting to silence as he racks his brains as to how he was going to get the artist to open up a little more.  Maybe a change of topic would help... "Have you seen your friend Alfie recently?" Blake sees Tamesh's expression brighten a little at the question.

"Um yeah, I saw him." He replies. Did Blake know what he knew? 

"My roommate is a little regretful this morning." Blake adds. Of course he knew exactly what Tamesh knew.

"Yeah!" He smiles. Alfie was most definitely feeling the same. "He tends to act on his impulses a little does Alfie." He adds.

"I see." Blake concludes. He then looks at Tamesh, with a questionable gaze. "...And what about you Tam? Do you usually act on your impulses?" 

And there he was! Back to feeling that feeling around Blake once again! That question... Did he usually act on his impulses? 

"By that remark, I assume you are referring to last night." Tamesh sighs. "What I did to you." 

"Don't say it like that!" Blake intejects. "You did nothing to me, we both consented, we acted together!" Blake now starts to feel the frustration building within him. 

"I shouldn't have done it." Tamesh says. His voice was remorseful. 

"Here you go again. Why are you sorry? What's so wrong in expressing yourself Tam? You're an artist! Look around you! You are surrounded by your own expression. I don't understand... is it me?" Blake's frustration now spills over into upset.

"No." Tamesh puts his brush down and turns his back to Blake and the painting. His hands rake through his hair, he feels tense. Why was Blake doing this? Why was Blake backing him into a corner? He had nowhere to go, nowhere to run!

"Then why Tam? Tell me, because I've been more than honest with you, I opened up to you about my son for Christ's sake!" Blake stands up from the chair. 

Tamesh can feel his face heat up. He screws his eyes closed and shouts out. "I'm scared ok! I...." Tamesh now calms his voice down as he turns to face Blake "I don't know what it's like to be loved and I don't know how to love another and I'm scared! ... Blake…you, me, this..." Tamesh gestures to both of them. "This all scares me and I don't know how to deal with it."