As Cold As Ice // Charlie Gillespie

Chapter 45

Today is the first day I'm wearing my skates again in weeks. I would have assumed it would feel weird because my body forgot the feeling of wearing them by now but it's not at all. It feels amazing. I can't force my feet to step on the ice though. For about 10 minutes I've been standing at the barrier, Charlie in front of me on the ice. He doesn't pressure me, just like he promised. Yesterday, when I wasn't wearing skates, it was hard enough to do it already but now I feel like it got even worse. "I can't do this, Charlie." I know my voice sounds like a little scared child but that's exactly how I feel.

I've never felt like this before. Not even the first time my parents took me skating or the first time I went back after an accident happened. Not once in my life had I been afraid of the ice until now. "Mia, look at me." I peel my eyes off the ice and look up into Charlie's eyes instead. "You're save. It's alright." I shake my head but don't break eye contact with Charlie for once. "I..." Whatever I was about to say, Charlie's sudden kiss makes me forget it immediately. "Don't overthink this. It's in your head. Your body knows what to do."

Charlie holds out his hand, probably for the hundredth time today. Only difference is that this time I take it. I didn't move an inch yet but my whole body starts shivering right away because my brain knows I'm about to take a step. "Baby steps Mia. Give it a second." I simply nod, unable to say anything. "Hey, talk to me. Tell me about Sarah. How is she?" - "Good... I guess. She..." My voice is haltingly because my heart is beats so heavily in my chest. "It took her a while to get over what kind of person Lukas is. I feel bad for her. She would have deserved a great love story. Instead... well." Charlie doesn't respond to that but I can see the anger rising inside him at the mention of Lukas.

"Whatever" I quickly say. "Mum and dad told me to say hi. I completely forget yesterday." Immediately Charlie's expression lightens up. "How are they?" - "Great. Well, mum is a bit devastated about..." I don't need to tell him what because he knows. "But dad took it really well. Or maybe he's pretending to make it easier for me and mum. I don't know." Out of nowhere the brightest smile appears on Charlie's lips. "What is it?" - "Look around." When I look to my left and right I see the same thing I saw minutes ago. The sides of the rink only... hold on! I try my best to look over my should and omg we're almost in the middle of the rink!

My grip on Charlie's hand tightens right away and I can feel the panic returning but for some reason it doesn't feel as bad as earlier. When I turn back around to Charlie my legs seem to give in for a moment but in the blink of an eye Charlie has wrapped his arms around me, keeping me save. "I got you" he whispers. I can't believe this happened without me noticing. "Just look at me, Mia. Look at me and keep talking. Don't overthink it." I would love to keep talking but I feel like my mind has been completely wiped. I can't think of anything I could say. Charlie seems to understand because instead of waiting for me to say something he pulls me even closer and starts whispering into my ear. "You know what I'm really excited about? My mum promised she'll take us to Toronto next weekend. I haven't been in forever but I remember that I loved it. I'm so excited to show you all the places I loved when I was younger."

The soothing sound of Charlie's voice helps steady my heartbeat and I can't help but imagine a tiny Charlie running through the snow. I don't know why but snow was the first thing my mind pictured. Maybe it's because of all the snow outside. I don't know how long we keep standing like this, Charlie whispering into my ear, but eventually my pulse feels normal again. I have no idea why but I suddenly feel brave enough to say "Can we try? Skating I mean." The moment I say it I feel foolish because I know my anxiety will betray me. "Are you sure?" Before I can change my mind I nod once and place my second hand in Charlie's. "Just promise you won't let go." - "Never."

I take on last deep breath before I nod once again, giving Charlie a sign to start skating backwards. I can't help but smile at the memory of when he came to visit me and I asked him to skate backwards so I can lift my leg up into the air. Well, that girl is gone. The girl I am now is too afraid to just skate forwards. "Mia you're doing it!" Ripped out of the memory I look at Charlie in confusion until I can feel my legs moving, my feet sliding over the ice. "No, Mia, don't overthink this. Take a deep breath." So I do. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I focus on the feeling of the ice under my skates, the feeling of Charlie holding on to my hands tightly, keeping me save.

When I open my eyes again I'm caught by Charlie's gaze. He's watching me so carefully. I can feel my lips curve into a bright smile. "Thank you" I whisper. I know this is a really small step but it's a start. "Time for a break?" Right now I never want to stop but I know I shouldn't overstrain myself so I nod. Once we're at the barrier I throw my arms around Charlie and whisper "I love you."