[[[忘羡 | WangXian 1]] : The Second Kiss That Came Too Soon

[37.] Why have you forsaken me?

Notе:

*
The poem in this chapter is mine.

*

The refrain "My love, my love, why have you forsaken me..." is a reference to Christ's last words on the cross (My god, my god, why have you forsaken me?).

***

The next day was really hard for both boys. Lan Wangji tried to get back to his routine and practice. He started the morning with meditation. Wei Ying did his best to meditate too, but the situation had not changed for him overnight. He was sitting next to Lan Zhan, not daring to move, but he knew Lan Zhan could hear his uneven breathing, and his constant shifting and shivering, and itching inside. Neither could focus, for different reasons.

In the end, Wei Ying decided to go to the shore and try to meditate there, away from Lan Zhan. He closed his eyes and listened to the waves, trying to calm himself down and empty his mind. But it was impossible – he could still catch Lan Zhan's scent on his clothes, and the rhythm of the incoming waves was the perfect association of his lover thrusting into him and filling him up with pleasure and joy. 

Wei Wuxian was sitting there, teeth clenched, face all flushed, awfully turned-on, yearning, craving...for him.

Suddenly, Lan Zhan's voice startled him:

- This is not how it works, you know.  –  he said, disappointed.

Wei Ying dared not look up. 

He mumbled:

- I am so sorry, Shizun. I'm trying.

Lan Zhan sighed, took him by the hand, led him to the bed, and they spend the next hour making love. Both were happy to be together, of course, but Wei Ying knew that he was making trouble and letting Lan Zhan down. He didn't know what to do.

Later, he tried to walk further away, and find a really quiet place so that he would not be distracted. He wandered into the woods, and indeed found a sunny spot, but when he settled down to try, all he managed to do was cry pitifully and for too long. Something was happening to him, something had happened to him, and he could not put his finger on it; he did not understand it.


**
Hours passed, and Lan Zhan was starting to get worried. He strolled in the same direction Wei Ying had wandered off earlier that day, but could not find him. Worry was giving way to fear that something might have happened when he suddenly overheard a song. Surprised, he told himself that there could be only one person singing at this time – he walked that way swiftly.

He realized that he had never before heard Wei Wuxian sing. He had a gentle voice, still boyish, but not unpleasant. As he approached, he listened to the words:

~

I walked to the ends of the world, and my feet were bleeding.
I called in the night for you, even though my tongue was severed.
Why are you not answering, why are you not here...
Where do I search next, Golden Bird, blessing of Heaven?
Where is my love, where is the Sun?
My love, my love, why have you forsaken me....
I only wanted one thing – I only wanted your heart...

~

Lan Zhan was thunderstruck. He was standing in a meadow, basking in the last rays of the sun, looking at Wei Wuxian sitting on the ground, tears running down his face. He was singing from the heart, it was very clear. But did he really feel this way? Why?

- Wei Ying...  -  he let out, despair in his voice.

Wei Ying quickly opened his eyes and tried to brush away the tears and jump to his feet all at the same time.

- Lan Zhan! You found me! I am coming, I am coming... - he hurried up, thinking that his Shizun will scold him for being late. – I am so sorry, Shizun, it seems meditation is more difficult for me than sword fights! – he laughed light-heartedly, passing by Lan Zhan on his way back.

Lan Wangji got a hold of his arm and stopped him.

- What was the meaning of this? – he asked sternly, his soul numb with pain and fear.

- What? The song? Ah, it's just an old song – it has no meaning. I was bored, I guess, so I sang a little. Did I mess up your concentration again?!?  –  Wei Ying mumbled.  –  I am so sorry, Lan Zhan! It wasn't on purpose!

- To Hell with meditation and focus – what is wrong, Wei Ying?  –  he asked, sick with worry.

- I am fine, Shizun, really.  –  Wei Ying smiled and caressed Lan Zhan's face. – I promise. Let's go eat dinner – I am starving! – he laughed and hurried ahead.

For the longest time, Lan Zhan did not move from where he stood. He was wondering about the meaning of the last two days. Was it something he did? Something was wrong with his partner, but he couldn't understand what, and why. 

When he went back to their shelter, Wei Ying was almost done with cooking dinner, his face flushed again, and his hands trembling – Lan Zhan knew what it meant, he had been watching him closely, and during the last two days he was like this all the time.

They had dinner and cuddled by the fire, and when it was already too late – they went to bed, and made love again. This time, Lan Zhan tried to be as gentle as possible, and go slow, but Wei Ying was constantly begging for rougher sex, and in the end they ended up devastating each other again.

Everything hurt, Lan Zhan was absolutely certain of it, but Wei Ying would not stop – he was constantly begging for more, begging for him to go deeper and be harsher. 

Afterwards, he was holding him, speaking gentle words to him, but something had changed for them. And he was frustrated about it.