[[[忘羡 | WangXian 1]] : The Second Kiss That Came Too Soon

[38.] Sun-down.

They spent the next day mostly in silence. 

***

Each had retreated in his own private world, it seemed, and it was alright. The silence wasn't uncomfortable, and they both understood the need for some space for the other. Things had changed, this was the next step. It wasn't just two boys fooling around any more, and they needed time to get used to this thought. Things were serious now, and the problems they had seemed bigger and more serious than ever.

Wei Ying would cook some food and they would sit next to the fire, eating quietly, but his hands would still shake. The evening was approaching and the damp lake air was getting chilly. Lan Zhan looked up towards the sky, uncertain whether rain was coming and calculating changes if that would be the case during the night. Wei Wuxian looked up and after seeing him frown, he reached out and touched his face, smiling. Lan Wangji smiled back and they stayed like that for some time, together but apart, watching the fire burn, brooding. 

No one mentioned meditation any more.

A sudden movement startled Lan Zhan and his eyes followed Wei Ying as he got up and went up to sit at the edge of the lake. The Lan boy did not know whether he just needed to be all alone, but he could feel with all his being that Wei Ying was very sad. Something was worrying him, but he did not know how to talk to him about it. 

He felt despair in his heart – why did he have such hard time to talk about his feelings? Yes, of course, saying "I love you" had become much easier lately, but... still.

Minutes passed, the dusk was settling in. Lan Zhan was observing carefully, ready to jump and run towards his lover at any moment. Finally, his heart could not bear it any more – watching that lonely figure at the shore, hair flying in the wind, and just staring into nothingness was painful, at best. He got up too and approached quietly.


**


Wei Ying felt his mind was slipping away. He didn't want Lan Zhan to notice, but he was very close to falling down into the all-too-familiar abyss yet again. Last night was awful and wonderful, and his soul was weeping with the joy and the pain, but he inevitably felt that something was lost, something had shifted. 

Was Lan Zhan different today? He knew that his Shizun was giving him time and space to be alone – and he was grateful, and loved him for that. The trick was not to fall down while walking the ledge, and the abyss was beckoning, a hollow inside his heart that needed feeding, just like the hollow inside his body that screamed for filling-up, constantly at the back of his mind. Today its call was unbearable.


--
"What if he doesn't want me any more? What if this was a one-time thing? Many boys do this. Will he look and see me the same way as before? Am I impure in his eyes now? Is he disappointed in he? What if he leaves me? What will I do? I can't do this. It's too much... Will he leave me? Where would I go, what will I do? What if I love him more than he loves me... What if his heart grows cold one day? One day soon? How can I make him love me...how can I keep him close....Will he abandon me..."
--


Suddenly, he was brought back from the edge by two warm palms, placed on his shoulders. Lan Zhan stood behind him, now sliding his hands down and wrapping his arms around him, sitting behind him to hold him at the same time. Wei Ying felt numb, it really felt like his heart would stop at any moment now.

- Why are you sad?  –  Lan Zhan asked seriously.

- Hold me, I am falling into darkness, Lan Zhan... -   Wei Wuxian whispered, as if in a trance.

Lan Wangji could not decide whether this answer surprised him, or whether this was precisely the answer he knew was coming. He drew his partner gently in, and held him very tight, protecting him from the rising wind. 

Neither moved at all, and the gusts of wind played freely with strands of hair and their loose robes, but they never noticed.

It was almost dark when Wei Ying stirred, stood up and took Lan Zhan by the hand and took him into the shallow water of the lake. Lan Zhan followed silently, knowing that the water would be cold, and their clothes would take a lot of time to dry up, but he also realized this was important. They went in, until the water reached up to the waist.

Wei Ying faced him and wrapped his arms around his neck, leaning in and joining their faces together so that their foreheads touched. Lan Zhan could see he was very flushed and his eyes were burning.

- Make love to me. Please. Here. Now.  – he whispered, lifting his gaze to meet Lan Zhan's eyes. There was seriousness and urgency there, and also determination.  –  Please.

- I love you.  –  Lan Zhan whispered back, lifting him up, so that now Wei Ying was straddling him, his arms still wrapped around the Lan boy's neck, and his legs – around Lan Zhan's waist. He gently kissed his neck, just once and helped him out of his clothes. Wei Ying was shivering, his whole body tense. Lan Zhan placed his hands on Wei Ying's buttocks, supporting him, and also getting him wide open for penetration. 

The moment he entered into his hot core was the only moment Wei Wuxian gave out a deep sigh, his head falling backwards, staring straight up at the rising stars. Once they fully became one, the smaller boy fell silent, and his head fell forward, now resting on Lan Zhan's shoulder. His body relaxed, and went limp, as he gave up and gave in, leaving himself to the mercy of whatever his lover had for him. 

He made no sound.

Lan Zhan had never thought that sex could feel so sad and desperate. He turned his back towards the coming waves, and let them rock and lull them together, using those movements to slightly thrust inside Wei Ying. He held him very tight, scared to think what all that meant. Wei Wuxian was perfectly still, and absolutely silent. There was almost no pleasure in the act itself  -   Lan Zhan was only doing it because he was asked to. After a couple of minutes his erection was gone, but he didn't move, and stayed inside Wei Ying a little longer, unsure about what to do.

Wei Wuxian was the one to move first, letting his legs down, but never letting go of his embrace of Lan Zhan. So the tall boy swept him off his feet, and carried him in his arms, like a little child, back to the fire. He disposed of their wet clothes, and laid Wei Ying down, trying to keep him warm.

- Please, rest.  –  he leaned in and kissed him briefly and gently.

Wei Ying just nodded, but as Lan Wangji moved to go, he grabbed his arm and murmured:

- Thank you. For everything.  –  he said.

- Rest, you are exhausted, Wei Ying.  –  Lan Zhan wanted to cry, his love looked so pale and spent at that moment.

Soon, Wei Ying drifted into sleep; Lan Zhan was too nervous to fall asleep. He lay next to him, watching him closely, wondering what it all meant. How could he help? He hated feeling so helpless, clueless... He could understand and cure the maladies of the body  –  but what about the suffering of the soul? He hoped tomorrow this fit would be over and he would have his foolish and charming boy back. 

He missed him.

It was almost dawn when he finally hugged Wei Ying close and fell asleep, mostly because of exhaustion.