Wildest Dreams

I wake up in my bed staring at that polaroid of us ,from 3 years ago, on my mirror.

We were laughing, his arms around my waist hugging me from the back and the rays of the setting sun are reflecting on our blushed faces.
Don't know how long have I been awake staring at it. Not sure if I even slept at all last night after our fight through the phone.
It was the first time I heard from him in a week.

  He got his own problems and his own world and I have to give him his space and I have to know it's not my responsibility to fix every thing, Like he always tells me.
But I can't help feeling guilty all the time for not knowing how to help,and feeling angry all the time for not being a part of this world of his.
I can't find my way in if he's not letting me himself. And I will not allow myself to be his punching bag anymore.

We work it through last night though.
He apologized and set his reasonable reasons and I replied that it was okay .
Hearing the words coming from his mouth with his voice that feels like home to me, so familiar and so honest, I got nothing to say but ''It's
okay''.
He asked me to be ready at 4:00pm today, and I agreed.

I'm losing myself in the process of saving this relationship.
From the first day I met him, part of me was telling me it's just a matter of time, and at the moment I knew that I really loved him, that same part told me it's just the beginning of the end.

It's 3:55pm and I am waiting for him in the parking lot of my building, the street is quiet, only the sound of the wind running through the early-autumn leaves on the sidewalk and through my curls.
He drives his black car towards me, my heart aches on the sight of him, 'cause I missed him so much and I will miss him even more.
I stayed silent most of the drive, He said that we will go out of town to somewhere special.
And I think I know where we're going.

I stayed silent watching him drive. Watching his tate- olive-sleeved arms moving with the steering wheel, watching the way he talks, the way he smirks when he thinks he's saying something funny, the way he crosses his brows and narrows his hazel eyes each time he's making a U turn, the way his dark hair shines under the sun light and the way he's nodding his head with the whispering music coming from the radio. It is peaceful.

I want to cherish this moment and hold it dear to my heart and remember it very well, 'cause this is how I want to remember him.
I think these moments of peace are the reason I fell in love with him.
These small briefs when he lets his guard down and be his true self around me, they are such breathtaking moments, yet so rare among our chaotic relationship.

As I guessed, we are here, at the same spot we switched I love you's for the first time and took that polaroid from 3 years ago, up the hill viewing the sun setting in the sea.
He stopped the engine and uncomfortable silent took over the place.
"I know you're still upset"he said after a few seconds.
"I don't think it matters anymore" I said looking out of the window.
"Of course it matters, what are you talking about ? " he asked.
"I think you know what I'm talking about, you always knew, we don't stand a chance and you knew it"I  said  swallowing the lump growing in my throat ignoring the dumbness that started to gather at the corners of my eyes.
I don't wanna cry, it'll make it harder.

" I need some air " i said opening the door climbing out of the car wiping my eyes.

He followed me.

" I have no fucking clue about what you're saying ! "he said hesitantly.
" it's okay, I knew it too, and It's okay." I said looking at the birds flying in the golden-lavender sky above us to distract myself from crying.

"but I love you, you know that, I have never loved someone half as much, and you KNOW IT."he said slightly raising his voice.
" I love you too, so much" I said looking into his eyes, "Because of this I want to save what is left of me and you, We can't do this anymore " my voice cracked at the end and I couldn't prevent the escaping tear.
"I think Love is not enough for either of us" he said quietly, " I owe you letting you go, I caused you so much pain, and I can't keep doing it. " he turned away from me.
I thought this was what I wanted to hear, but hearing him saying it is something different. In hindsight I would choose any kind of sadness with him over the feeling I'm experiencing now and I'd rather be tangled up with him back home than being here,making this conversation.
A whimper escaped my mouth, I didn't realize I was already crying.

He turned to my direction with tearful eyes  and crossed brows, he pulled me to him, wiping the tears off my face, softening his eyes gradually, looking into my eyes deeply, moving a strand of my hair behind my ear, then he moved his gaze to my lips hugging my cheek with one hand and the other's in my hair.

he collapsed his lips into mine.

At this moment I felt absolute peace, eyes closed, my hands on his chest feeling his heart and the sound of its beats harmonizing with the sound of the birds and the sound of the waves striking the rocks of the hill, the wind blowing my white dress and his shirt, the scent of the sea and the grass and- the scent of him, rays of the sunset surrounding us,having our very last kiss.

It was like having the wildest dream of them all.

He pulled away slowly breaking the kiss as I did the same, looking in each other's eyes, I smiled at him leaning into his hand on my face as he smiled back, caressing my rosy cheek with his thumb, he kissed me on the forehead and leaned his head to mine, Then whispered" I will always remember you. "
I pulled him to my chest hugging him tight replying " I will always remember you too. "
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Hiiii !!
This is my first thing to write EVER and I'm so excited really
So vote if you like it and of course share your opinion with me in the comments .