Personal Blog

Sunday, March 8th, 2015

I literally stayed up until 5am last night. I don't know how I made it. I had woken up at about 8:30 the previous morning. I usually can't stay awake that long.

I woke up tired. But, considering it was 11:40, I forced myself to get up.

My days are usually pretty boring. Especially weekends. I never have anything to do. I sit around all day. Maybe read a book or watch a movie. Sometimes, I'll catch up on one of my favorite YouTuber's videos or a tv show I watch. A lot of my time is spent with my laptop screen lighting up my face and my phone vibrating every two minutes from text messages from random people that I barely know.

I scroll through my Tumblr dashboard for about twenty minutes, maybe reblog a few things. Then I go to my Facebook newsfeed and scroll through that for about ten minutes. I might message my friend that I haven't talked to for a few weeks or play some stupid game I got an invite for.

That's how my day has been today. Boring as ever.

Right now, I'm listening to my Alternative music playlist on Spotify. It has played Take Me To Church, Stolen Dance, Champagne Supernova, and now is playing Riptide. I don't know if you'd classify those songs as "Alternative" but I basically put whatever I hear on 103.3 (my county's rock music station) in it. I've heard the songs that are in it about a thousand times each because it's the only playlist I ever listen to. Well, unless I'm sad or about to go out. I have a sad music playlist and a rap playlist and also a pop music playlist. I have stuff for random artists I like too. I love music so I have a million playlists.

Yesterday, I was really upset. My whole week last week was just really bad. I was in bad moods all week and my friends didn't really want to be around me. They never do when I'm upset. They kinda just leave me be, possibly afraid that if they talk to me, I'll hurt them. But I'm not that type. I just like to be left alone. And I don't talk my problems out with anyone but myself. 

I've been really confused lately too. That just fuels my sadness. I have a gigantic decision to make. And I have to make it soon.

Here's the thing. I fell in love about a year ago and got heartbroken. So I moved on very slowly and painfully. I had finally gotten over it (or so I thought) and he comes back again and says he's still in love with me. Obviously, I wasn't over it because I told him I would love to be with him again. And, truth be told, I would. He was my first love. I wanted it to work out more than anything.

But, since he waited a year, I found someone else. And now I love this new person. But I also love my first love. Your first love is just someone you never get over. Now I have to choose between them.

I don't want to choose between them. I guess I could say I'm afraid of decisions. But I'm afraid that if I let one go, I'll make the wrong choice and it'll be too late and we'll all get hurt and just ugh. It's really hard for me.

Anyways, enough about that.

Honestly, I don't even feel like doing anything. I've kind of just wasted my entire day away doing nothing. I hate wasting days but I do it often.

I don't even feel like writing anymore today. I think I'll just go and I can explain more things at a later date.

I bid thee farewell.