I found my last two days at the jail went smoothly. Once word got out that I had shatter-shinned Hernandez the other inmates didn't mess with me. Despite being young and still looking like a kid I earned in-house cred. Heck, I even had a couple guys ironing my clothes and bringing me meals. Things were definitely looking up.
Then came the day of my hearing.
Mr. Bieber, am I to believe that you innocently brought over 300 bottles of oxycotin pills across an international border, and you simply forgot to get the perscriptions?
Like I said, I didn't do it. I just picked up a few bottles for some friends. They were suppose to send their emails, and in my rush to come meet them, I forgot to take the paperwork.
You know, Mr. Bieber, it's funny you say that. Was one of your so-called friends Gabriel Marcel?
Yeah, sure. He goes to Western Washington University, and we got to know each other through the Spanish club there.
Is that right? Well, your honor, I call DEA Agent Gabriel Marcel to the stand.
Mr. Marcel, raise your right hand and swear in. ... Now tell us, who do you work for, and what is your position?
I work for the Drug Enforcement Agency, most often as an under-cover agent. My most recent assignment was to infiltrate the cross-border perscription drug buying that was operating out of Western.
Are you familiar with the defendent, Justin Bieber?
I am. He was my Canadian contact, and had agreed to bring me 300 bottles of oxy. My sources tell me he got caught at the border, and ended up spending 3 nights at the federal joint in Seattle.
Mr. Marcel, do you have a partner.
Yes. Enrique Hernandez works with us, undercover. He is often planted at the federal jail, as an inmate, to try to get information about cases we are working on.
Your honor, I'm finished with Marcel.
Defense Counsel, do you wish to cross-exam.
Yes, your honor, I would. Mr. Marcel, is it true that you have never laid eyes on my client, Mr. Bieber?
Yes. That is true.
So, you cannot say for certain that the defendent is, in fact, your contact.
Actually, ma'am, I can. We have voice recognition equipment, and we have already confirmed that Mr. Bieber is the same individual I have been in audio contact for drug purchases.
Just how accurate is this so-called voice recognition device?
It is 98.78% accurate, ma'am. For evidence, it beats the established minimum for acceptable accuracy by 13.78%. 85% is considered acceptable.
No further questions your honor.
Does the prosecution have any further witnesses?
Yes, we'd like to call Enrique Hernandez to the stand.
Go ahead.
Mr. Hernandez, please...
You gay piece of sh...
Counselor, control your client! Mr. Bieber, if you so much as sneeze out of turn, I'll throw your rear end out of this courtroom!
Mr. Hernandez, do you swear to tell the truth, so help you God?
So help me God.
Agent Hernandez, are you familiar with the defendant?
Oh, most definitely. I called him babyface on the inside. He was my cellmate.
And what did you learn about him.
A couple of things. Most important is that he definitely did conspire to bring in illegal perscription drugs. Apparently these 300 bottles were the tip of the iceberg. He bragged that this was his 13th transaction, and actually one of his smaller ones.
Anything else?
Well, nothing really worth mentioning.
OK. Defense, would you like to cross?
Absolutely! Mr. Hernandez, is it true that you attempted to molest my client while at the jail?
No, ma'am.
Did you not attempt to lick my client?
Well, since you force me to dislose this, I did learn something else about Mr. Bieber. He apparently enjoys such activity, and badgered me to accommodate him. Personally, I loathe this aspect of the job, but sometimes we have give a little to get the trust and information we seek.
Mr. Hernandez, I remind you that you are under oath. I ask you one more time, did you not attempt to forcibly molest my client?
No ma'am. As Bieber has said throughout this episode, "I didn't do it!"
__________
Epilogue
Justin Bieber was found guilty of conspiracy to distribute illegal drugs and sentenced to five years in federal prison. The two DEA agents were promoted to supervisory positions.
Marcel to Hernandez: Hey, did you really try to molest Bieber?
Hey, he lied, I lied. By letting him appear to beat me up I let him think he was on top of the world. He got full of himself and stopped being careful. That's how we got him.
But...if anyone else asks me I'll tell them: I didn't do it!
