The Sun

The sun is nowhere. It is everywhere. It never existed. It has always existed.

Welcome to Night Vale

Hello, listeners.

To begin, I'd like to read another quick notice from our city council:

The dog park does not exist

It has been determined to be a mass hallucination caused by the odd earthquake that occurred two years ago that was discovered yesterday.

Because the dog park is not real, there is no digital, static-y hum coming from the dog park .

There is no menacing, unearthly voice telling you too bring precious materials and toddlers to the dog park.

If you mention, see, hear, or think about the dog park, please seek medical attention immediately, as you are still hallucinating. Or, if you don't believe in modern medicines, please come to the school office and ask for the Glow Cloud (all hail) to scream at you. It will go silent for one minute before resuming its low whistling noise. You will immediately be cured of all hallucinations. If you are not cured, you may need to be re-educated.

And now, the news.

The earthquake that occurred two years ago and was discovered yesterday is set to happen in three day's time. I suggest covering yourself with pillows and blankets to block out the sound, and stay in the basement of your house, where the walls are thickest.

Desert Bluffs unfortunately won the baseball game last night, but we beat them in both basketball and football, so I'm not too bitter about it. I am, however, still extremely bitter about the fact that it was all STEVE CARLSBURG'S FAULT. He shouted at that poor Billie Todd and made him miss the ball, and now Billie has a baseball permanently lodged in his head. Thankfully it didn't seem to actually injure him, but a baseball where someone's ear should be is a rather odd sight, don't you agree?

We also have reports from John Peters- you know, the farmer? That an odd wave of purple goo is slowly taking over his land. It appears to be intelligent, but it has yet to speak, only emit sounds that sound oddly like angry crows. I'll update you if that story progresses any, though he claims it's been there for years, only growing to cover his land in the past day and seemingly already done growing, so whether or not anything else will happen is still unsure.

The city council is offering a free puppy to whoever can figure out how to get the dead lion off the roof of the Ice Cream Shop. It has been there for a long time now and is really starting to stink up the town.

I am very sorry to announce that the drawbridge project has been cancelled after a strange entity appeared in the city council to tell them that building the drawbridge will only destroy the city, not make it better. Unfortunately this message came too late to save Annie Mack, a worker on the project who fell when the cardboard was soaked last night by the strange storm, dropping her onto the ground far below. To the family of Annie, my condolences. The town will mourn with you.

Now for the 9-day forecast.

We're going to be getting an entire rainbow of sky the week. On Monday the sky will be the color of blood, on Tuesday it will be pumpkin-orange, on Wednesday it will be the color of a dandelion, on Thursday it will be the color of grass, on Friday it will that odd shade of blue that the sky is every other Friday, on Saturday it will be the color of an eggplant, and Sunday will be a very light purple, and next Monday we'll be getting a perfect white.

Now, let's have a look at the traffic shall we?

Oh, very crowded over there.

Over there too.

I'm not even sure how it's so crowded today, if there are no cars.

Woah woah woah, Steve Carlsburg just shoved that poor lady, the jerk-

While, dear listeners, I think the safest thing to do right now if you don't want to get caught in a traffic jam would be to stay home for a good hour or two. That mess by the dog pa- I mean, by the Museum of Forbidden Technology, is going to take a while to clean up. Hopefully the Hooded Figures get on that soon.

Speaking on which, a word from our sponsor:

Hoods, Hoodies, and More

Hoods, Hoodies, and More is a 217-star clothing store that can never be found by the hospital, that has all of your hood needs. Ending today Hooded Figures get 100% off everything. Angels, on the other hand, will have to pay three times the amount they normally would, and normal citizens twice as much. Any other creature not listed will pay the normal amount. This amazing offer is over soon, so come to Hoods, Hoodies, and More today. This is not a request.

Now for the main story of today. The sun, as most of you may have noticed, is everywhere. Or, for some of you, it is nowhere. The sun has always existed nowhere and it has never existed anywhere. It has always existed everywhere and has never existed nowhere. The sun is real. The sun is fake. The sun is everything and nothing. What is the sun for you, dear reader? Has the sun simply vanished, or are you questioning my every word, wondering if I've gone mad talking about something that does not exist?

Write me a letter, dear reader, and tell me how it is for you. Carlos is collecting information, and he'd love to hear from you.

The council is currently attempting to solve this strange sun problem, but their attempts have so far been unsuccessful. Because most of them have no clue what a sun is, they are unable to do anything, and unfortunately for us the ones who do still know what a sun is are, dare I say, not the brightest.

I do hope they aren't listening to this right now. That was a very dangerous thing for me to say.

Although, all this confusion about hte sun has got me questioning something. Is the sun real? I mean, I know it is. It's blinding me, being everywhere all the time, so it clearly exists. But is it real? Are those who forgot the sun actually the ones who remember the truth? Am I the one with false memories?

No, no, I must be correct. This photo here on my wall proves it- Carlos and I and the beach, the sun setting behind us. Even Jake, the intern, can see the sun in the photo.

Speaking of Jake, he's trying to tell me something. Give me a moment.

Oh dear- I'm so sorry, dear listeners, but I must go.

What? Yes, yes, I'm coming, just a moment...

It appears that Carlos, blinded by the sun, managed to hurt himself with some science thing, blowing up half of our apartment in the process, so this is all for now, dear listeners.

As always, Night Vale,

Good night.