It Takes Time

Waiting

Aria's Pov 

I see a child holding her two parents hand she looks like she might be 4 she is holding their hand tightly like she is afraid of getting lost in this huge city but one day she might not be afraid anymore. I am stuck in a whole waiting to be rescued but no help comes no matter how loud I scream or cry it doesn't make a difference I feel lost though not sure where I am suppose to be anymore. I want to be up in the clouds seeing the city in all of it's bright lights and then fall feel that adrenalene taking a leap of faith. Trust is everything to me trust is painfull lies are painfull even the truth is painfull everything is painfull but It's life you can believe in anything you want be anything you want the thing is, am I actually living am I just exisitng and taking up space in this air and earth or do I want to feel invinsible. to be honest I feel like nothing, i want to do something I've never done before something that  gives me goosbumps where i get this feeling inside my gut that i won't have a clue on how to describe to someone that I will only feel it.  I'm waiting for something just something that will hit me like a train although actually getting hit by a train might give me that adrenaline and die but i mean something or someone who will ambush me like a tiger hunting for it's pray but instead of killing it, it will save it. that doesn;t make sense at all as I think of it. That's the point though I don't want to see it coming isn't that what  true love is, I guess that's what I'm simply asking for is that alot to ask for am I being selfish do I not deserve love, is there something wrong with me. All these thoughts are what drag me down to the ocean floor making me tumble through the riptides that almost make me drown is that the reason is it my thoughts that are making it so hard to live. I feel innocent I've always grown to follow the rules I never really thought I'd end up wanting to break them. My family was split up when I was 16 my brother was forced to stay with my Dad and I was forced to live with my mother I only had the chance to see my brother on the weekend. We were split because of my fathers infedelity with my mother who I still feel guilty of it all maybe if I told my mother that my dad was cheating on her sooner or maybe if we never lived in New York he wouldn't come to the point where he wanted to cheat on my mother with some slut who my mother actually aquainted through the many dinner parties we had. I guess that's why I have trust issues I try not to be so gullible to the people I am close to nor am I ever getting close to people anymore it's too hard for me to let out personal stuff but Andrew my current boyfriend who I never really see alot has always helped me through those hard times when I'd have nightmares or when I'd cry myself to sleep because I feel so fucking miserable with my life he has always cared about me since my Senior year of highschool. We've been together for so long and I'm just waiting around to see if this relationship is what I want still but I can't help letting him go knowing he is or was the only person who never left or the one guy who never lied to me. That's the hardeset part not sure of anything anymore I love Andrew I do but I'm not in love with him anymore. I started to figure that out when we had sex I felt nothing no spark no gut feeling he was the one no matter how cliche it sounds I mean it was pleasurable but nothing that felt amazing. I am the bad guy here I am over here having all these doubts about this relationship and the one person who has never hurt me. I am a horrible person that I cant' help how I feel no matter how hard I try to push those thoughts to the back of my head the stupid part is that those thoughts will always be there in my head way in the back struggling to burst out. I don't see Andrew alot he is a CEO of a contruction company i laugh at how I ended up with someone who has passion for business instead of the passion for literature do opposites attract or is that a myth or only the lucky ones are attracted. I can tell you I'm probably the unluckiest person in New York and the most selfish person. I'm alone alot I read a little too much than I did before I try to go out with my friends and actually try to put in effort to enjoy myself but how could I my mother is the one who is telling me she has already forgiven me for keeping my fathers lie i just don't believe her no matter how many times she constantly tells me the guilt eats me I never see my brother anymore I haven't seen my father and I don't think I'd come to truce with him i blame him for making me have trust issues for making me miserable for making me lose myself in the world. 

Ezra's Pov 

I lay in bed every morning exactly at 6 am thinking about how miserable I feel I've got this great life great girlfriend yet something is missing why do I feel like this am I selfish for feeling like this does anyone else feel like this wanting more than they already have but a different kind of more. I wonder if I'll ever get out of the place I'm in. I want travel to space, funny how childish I sound like I'm a little boy who wants to be Superman.I want to float and keep my eyes wide open capturing every thing I see the stars a comet the whole entire earth. i just want to leave everything there maybe even just stay in this exact spot for the rest of my life trying to figure out why I thought of a person I use to know in highschool someone who probably has forgotten all about me like I even matter now she is probably successful maybe even a best selling author who lives in the suburbs with a perfect husband and two beautiful children. I lived to my parents expecations getting good grades and getting that scholarship to college. I never really lived to finally sit down and think, I think about one crazy thing I did in college. I can't think of one not even a simple drunk night. I don't want to  be naive I want to be free, free to have actually lived a good life you only have one life to live not 9 lives just one what do you want to do with it, i think and think i want to feel like i've cheated death I might be crazy; Yes but does it matter I'm not afraid to die I'm afraid to live how do I live their is no book on how to live no matter how much books I've read. It is my choice to decide on how I should feel alive but I haven't figured it out yet';  it might take  months maybe even years, I will wait it seems that it won't do any harm to wait. Me and my girlfriend are just not compatable anymore ha I sound like an asshole, we argue every other day it's just not good for me anymore or her I don't want to feel like this anymore I'm just tired of yelling what feels like everyday this relationship is literally killiing me but i can't let her go we've been together for too long that it's too hard to end it. I'm a fucking coward I don't know what I want anymore, but what I do know is I want somethine real why can't I be happy it's the only thing i wish for everyday I can't make myself happy anymore so how do I heal I feel lost how do I find myself.