tears turned to ink

july 10, 2021

☼☼12:06am

i came to a realization that i dont let myself feel my emotions, instead i let them feel me. i let them touch me and hurt me and control me, im in an abusive relationship with my own feelings. they grab me with so much force and push me around and leave bruises that nobody can see. they cause me nothing but fear and pain, my emotions are an abuser. i sit in puddles of tears and blood and confusion because i dont have the power to let them go. i find comfort in the agony i feel every time my depression gropes me, it's my only familiarity. it's the only thing that hasn't left me. it's like im married to my mental illness and i'm too scared to leave and too powerless to take control, i am submissive to my illness's every last wish, i give in with no hesitation i cant find the strength in myself to tell it to go away. i don't think i want it to go away, i want to stay with it and wallow in self pity and never let go because it's all i know and it's the only thing i can trust to always be here. i am pathetic. i wish i could leave, but when the hands of my depression graze over my skin and grab me in places they shouldn't the only thing i let myself think about is the warmth i feel coming from them, it's so warm and so familiar. i cant help but stay put and keep my mouth shut and let the feelings take over while i get small and melt into them, letting them control me in every way possible. it's easier than getting better. it's easier than admitting that i need more help than i could have ever imagined. it's the only thing i know how to do.
pathetic.