Heartbeat

Part 1

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface

I don't know what you're expecting of me

Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there

Become so tired, so much more aware

By becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

I'm not alone. Someone's felt this way too and that's why the song's there. I know it's kind of a sad start but let's just face it. Life sucks. Welcome to the struggle of living. You're gonna love it. *sarcasm intended*

I'm everything a damsel in distress can be. I'm a fat, middle class, second born, neglected, isolated teen to whom puberty did the opposite of what it should. It gave me acne, lots of weight gain, strech marks and a lot of shaming from the world. But I never gave a damn. I was lucky enough to have a good school and friends unlike how it is in Mean Girls. So, I guess it was easier to get away with all of this. The added point was that I was a confident ass nerd who had all the hot friends. Too much irony. I was the brains with charisma... Lacked a little beauty but considerably above average looking.

You must be thinking what problem in the world I must have had when I survived school with ease right? Go back and read again. It's all past tense. And that's not the whole story.

School wasn't that easy when my crush broke my heart and I went into depression. I was lucky to have Ethan, my bestie stand by me and pull me out of my depression. It is hard having a crush on someone for 3 years and then having your heart shattered in a million pieces. Specially when there's no one who would understand what you felt. But that's past. Well past yes, but not forgotten past. Even though I'm out of my depression, it has left its effects.

I've come to believe that everyone leaves. Some day or the other. People enter your life and you make then a part of it. When they leave a part of you goes away an a part of them remains. Memories. But they leave. What so ever. Your childhood best friend, your lover, your friend... Everyone leaves. So it's better not to get too close and live life normally without any expectations.

Easier said than done. I might try not to expect things from Senior High but I don't know what I'll expect from my personal life. The constant fat shaming by relatives, the ignored and not loved second girl child. An ass hole elder brother who gets all my share of love, food and life! A mother who's just the enemy I was missing in my life. A dad who doesn't care about anything.

I've struggled enough. Everytime I fight with them or get angry I hurt myself. Why? Because somehow its my fault the way I am right? I can't hurt them... So I hurt myself. This time the scars are too far. I'd stopped for 6 months but my bullshit family will not let me live in peace. I know sounds bad but I wish they weren't alive... Atleast I wish they weren't my family. With all the problems that I have in my life, they are cherry on the top.

So that's it god! Yes, I'm talking to you. I've decided. It's been too long and too much. I can't take it anymore. I know I'm not so weak but I don't know what else to do. I cannot live a life of being a disappointment to everyone. And of losing everyone I care. Not having anyone to love or be loved by. Today, March 25th 2017... Marks the date. If by March 25th 2018, my life doesn't change for the better, if I do not find happiness, I'm going to suicide. That's decided. 1 year. 365 days.

365 days of waiting for a miracle.