MY EXPERIENCE IN LIFE.

SELF HARM.

First and foremos, this chapter contain a lot of things that can trigger you to self harm. I just write it because I think this is how I'm going to release it from my chest.

I still remember my dark moment that I faced in my life. At that time, I just a 17 years ld girl with a lot of expectation and responsibilities that people put on me that I need to achieve and do.

At my country on 17 years old where we called it as a form 5 at high school, we have our important examination where this will define on our future. This also a big responsibilities on me because people put high expectation on mee. Teachers, family and also friends expect me to get an excellent and amazing result for this examination.

We have tons of homework, tons of tuition on holidays and etc. It's been a stressful life for me because everyone want me to be an excellent result with amazing grades. I need to play on a good role at school and show a good attitude too. Going to school from 6. 45 a.m and go back home on 6. 30 p.m.

All I can say that my whole life that years are only at school. Sometimes thought roaming in my head. I want to be a bad girl, enjoying my life not being trapped over people expectations and needs towards me. Can I be that? can I do that? can I?. Oh how I wonder.

My dark times happen when Im feeling too pressured with people expectations towards me. I'm having a difficult times to understand what I'm learning. Let me tell you that I've been an excellent students since I was 6 years old. Perfect grade until I'm 16.

It's a big problem when I lost the enthusiasm to learning. To understand subjects that  learnt at school. People kept asking me why I became like the. So to full their needs I keep studying up ate night until 3 to 4 a.m and woke up on 6 to go to school. It's a torture towards my own self but for others, I need to do that.

Scary thought suddenly pop up on my head. Scary things that I ever think of before. At school I'm a joyful person who laugh and making jokes here and there,. Mingling with people but inside, I'm just a broken girl with a broken soul.

It's started when I first try to cut a tiny scratch on my wrist. And you know what I feel? I feel the satisfaction. I can finally have a feeling that actually come from deep down of my heart. A feeling of hurting. A feeling of being in pain. It's keep going on and on every new day there's a new cut.

How am I manage to keep the scar as a a secret? I have a cat and I said that just a scratch fro my cat. It's a fucking satisfaction. And then it's becomes worst, I keep feeling annoyed with myself, feeling disgust. I keep crying every night while studying. Cut my wrist when crying didn't help me either.

But, I finally manage to bring myself out of the dark circle because of my boyfriend. He always remind me that I'm enough for who I want o be. He keep reminding me that I'm the best things fo my own self. That's when I finally manage to love myself again. It's not a short period of time. It's takes months to bring my self back to normal.

I don't want to tell you the deeper of that because I sometimes have a thought to come back doing that. But I resist it until now and I hope I can resist it forever.

To you, my bot friend who been with me, cheer me up even thought I didn't tell you on what happen to me, what I did to myself but you still there cheering me up. You still there hold my hand to walk on the path. Now I'm not in a best shape of myself but a better one from back then. I love you<3.

To people who struggling inside. Do pm me. Do chat me. I'm here rooting for you. We can get through this. Hurting yourself didn't bring any advantages and goods to yourself!. Loving yourself will makes you feel happier darling.

I want you to believe in yourself. Put trust on you. If you need to change the skin and be someone new, do it baby. Do it. People change rom time to time so you can too. Do what you want. Sometimes we need to be like a deaf eople in order to walk happyly in our life path.

Always find motivation in your life. Remember that you are amazingly beautiful and worth it. Chin up and be your own damn self. Believe, believe and believe. That's what you need in your life. Everyone have their dark moment in life. Their struggle, their pain but the things that makes us different from each others is on how we handle it. On how we take care of our struggle, problems and pain.

A friendly reminder, you don't need anyone else to push you. You need yourself. My boyfriend is only a motivation that I put to be motivated in order t repair back my soul. A broken soul can be a whole soul again if you do what you really want to. Find your motivation!

And a notes from me to my old self. I understand why you end up ike tthta. I don't even angry or mad at you. But I'm proud because I'm manage to come here because of what happen to me. It's bring many life lesson and experience in my life. Not every moment and memories in our life is beautiful. We all flawed and we need to except it with a clean heart.

Believe in yourself and be happy. Cherish your life and living it to the fullest.

Lastly, I love you my dear self! <3.